Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Muffin the mule is not a sex offence

...and so it came to be, that everytime that miriam now took a bath the dog would be locked outside...

Lets talk about...shop assistants. Why oh why are they all so fucking rude these days, any shop you go into, the staff mostly have attitude problems (except Waterstones...coz i love waterstones and the people are all fluffy and nice). Lets take a certain clothes shop for example...a clue, big stream with a piece of land in the middle of it...being a big giant of a chap I walked in the other day and the assistants looked over at me, looked at each other and just laughed. I felt humiliated, i felt abused but they just stood there and laughed. I walked out. This happens fairly regularly in clothes shops these days so i just tend to order from my next catalogue at home and be done with. Record shops are also piss takers, I used to manage one and probably have more music product knowledge in my cock than they have in the whole of their thin studenty little under nourished bodies. When i wander in now to buy my Partridge Family albums and my David Soul albums I don't expect to get intimidated...and thats why more and more people are turning to the internet, better service in a nice and peaceful environment with a no hassle returns policy...perfect shopping!

Lets look at sex shops...the palaces of forbidden delight, the emporiums of sin. I only go into sex shops with friends as it still looks a bit seedy when you wander in as a middle aged chap. Once you are inside its great fun, you get to wobble things, you get to vibrate things, you get to size up things for girth and width, but overall you have FUN. I remember the time i went in to one in London and came out with cock rings, lubes, johnny's, vibro massagers, nipple clips and all sorts of carnival looking toys...all of which sat in a bag for about two years before they got thrown out. Sex shops have some sort of magic attached to them whereby the goods draw you in and before you know it 'bang', a bagful of spunk inducers! If you are a hetero couple, its normally the guys that buy stuff hoping that the girls won't be freaked out by their weird fetishes (unless the town has an Ann Summers shop, then it will be the girl who buys the toys!). Hmm fetishes, lets talk about fetishes...I have a close friend who likes to be spanked, she likes to be spanked really hard in fact but has a real problem finding a guy that wants to do that to her for fear of causing pain. I know another guy who is into S and M and he finds it really hard to find partners who will chain him to a bed with a hood on and give him small whippings with a cat 'o' nine tails. I don't think the British public are quite as open to sexual deviance as they think they are....unless you can prove me wrong?

10 films you should have in your collection...

1) Brief Encounter
2) Now Voyager
3) ET
4) Pulp Fiction
5) The Elephant Man
6) Brainstorm
7) Jean de florette / Manon des sources
8) The English Patient
9) Wild at Heart
10) Spongebob Squarepants The Movie

...Tinkerbell suddenly set fire to Pinnochio, and thats when they found out she was pissed off at being a fairy...

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Im into mouth clamps and painful sex but if you think for one minute Im going to sign this think again. So there you have it yes us British will not admit to it. Im going to make up a new E mail address and get it to you somehow Neil so that you don,t know who I am. So you can tell me who the lady is who likes to be spanked hard its not Lisa ,Lauren or Gina is it ?

piddy77 said...

oh this is great...suddenly i turn into a dating service! lol

Anonymous said...

I can see what you mean about shop assistants in this country we just don't have a culture of helping people. Working in a shop is seen as the sort of job that is done by teenagers, and people who can't acheive anything else in life.
Can't say I agree with you about the films though. What about Cassablanca , The Matrix , The Italian job (original), Thomas Crown Affair (either) Its a wonderful life, etc etc. Matt

piddy77 said...

yes matt...what about those other 'also ran' movies that you mentioned...

Anonymous said...

Also ran also fucking ran. I don't no people just can't see quality when its in front of them. Matt

Anonymous said...

Is Martin going to own up to the first comment then. ?

Anonymous said...

I will always love you Neil xx I'm not into spanking at all so not guilty Lauren xxx

Anonymous said...

Hi Neil loved the blog tonight - i am not admitting to anything lol - but rumour has it you like to spank lol is that right? and i am sure its every womans dream to tie a guy up and blindfold him oh and gag him and then......... leave him there lol that way we get the remote for a few hours/days lol

Oh and i love you lots
Lisa xxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

Who on earth thinks that first comment is mine is wide off the mark. Im not into panfull sex im into soft sensual sex. I like to kiss........ ummmmm stop there martin otherwise there will be a few people sticking thier fingers down their throats. Bbest film ive ever seen is spice girls the movie
Martin

Anonymous said...

Hi Neil, you know how to get a reaction! Mention sex, handcuffs, blindfolds, spanking etc and the comments come flooding in. I have to ask is the guy who likes S and M, single? Martin, we all know about your sex life, but do you really have to be so desciptive, just think about your friends who have almost forgotten what it's like!!!!!!Gx

Anonymous said...

You can not be serious Sponge Bob as a must have movie, I know what I would like to do with Sponge Bob and it would be come an X rated too violent film no kiddies allowed !!

Oh and one used to be a Sales Assistant in a large department store and I agree hugely with your comments. Shop assistants are mindless idiots these days. We used to serve our customers proper like. Guess who!!

Anonymous said...

I to worked in a shop reason went onto care for eldery was cause they were so sweet in our shop how wrong was i.I would just like sex full stop but not into spanking,like toys thou.hey you guys have sense of humour i need some help i need revenege i need to send something really horrible to some bi*** who left me neg feedback on ebay ,did think cat shit(i have loads that in garden)_or fish head and gutts anyone any better ideas cheers guess who

piddy77 said...

...by the way, Spongebob was a joke, i thought i had just better mention that!

I will not tell who it is who likes to be spanked...

I didn't realise Lisa was so kinky...that now gives us extra things to do on holiday! lol

as for the revenge seeker...putting people on the readers digest mailing list is a good one...but the cat shit sounds perfect to me!

Anonymous said...

Just had to post another comment, can't leave it at 13! To the person who wants revenge, you say you are not into spanking, just remind me again how many whips were for sale on ebay? Glad you have become a regular blogger, most days it will make you smile:)but please sign your comments-Miss whiplash will do. Gx

Anonymous said...

On the subject of sex, Susan informed me today, that she heard on the radio(probably radio 2) that the average couple have sex 9 times a week!! Bloody hell, how to really rub someones nose in it. I'm sitting here wishing I was now Mrs Average. Is this true?(you don't need to comment Martin as we know with you its more like 9 times a night).lol.

Anonymous said...

are you sure that susan heard that right i cant imagine 9 times a week - maybe we should conduct a poll lol - sounds like a fun holiday neil should i bring the whips - handcuffs - blindfold or will you - mmmmm do you think we will get through the egyptian customs Lisa xxxx

Anonymous said...

Sex 9 times a week, it's now Thursday and so far I have missed out, only 3 more days left this week-does that mean I can have sex 3 times a day for the rest of the week, or just 9 times on Friday???