Monday, February 28, 2005

Neeeyyy! Posted by Hello

why are you such a control freak?

..."are you sure this isn't cruel" said sammy, as the tadpole shot out of the teet pipette and flew across the biology classroom and hit Mr Buckle on the head...

Lets talk about the Oscars...fuck 'em...Million Dollar Baby did NOT deserve Best film, Best Director, Best Actress and Best supporting actor. The film was good but there were a lot which were a damn sight better. It really pisses me off sometimes how Hollywood plays it so politically correct. Martin Scorcese deserved the Oscar this year for The Aviator, Imelda Staunton should have won Best Actress (ooh abortion..dodgy subject for americans, that one) and Clive Owen should have one Best Supporting Actor for Closer (the pc chat scene was probably too filthy for them)...the last two films being British should have got a look in but the Hollywood Fascisti got in the way. I always look at Cannes or the Golden Globes now for the real winners...Oscar does not mean shit!

Male rape is a subject that doesn't get much of a look happens, it happened to someone I know, it happens all around us but guys are too scared that their macho image will be dented and that they would never live it down. Rape is rape, enforced sex on a person of any gender. There was a case in the paper at the weekend, a guy wrote to the problem page saying that he was a young and attractive guy of 19 and that he had recently started working for a company. One male colleague in an authorative position made it quite clear that he fancied him. The young guy wasn't interested as he was hetero and pretty much told the guy this. The older guy asked the younger guy to work late one evening where he made his move and to put things bluntly (and i apologise) ripped the guys anus by forcing him into having sex with him. The agony uncle of the column suggested that he go for counselling, no talk about police or pressing charges, no talk about medical help, HIV tests etc...counselling...that was it, to help him deal with his emotions. This is fucking pathetic, the young guy has had his life torn apart and all they suggest is counselling. If this was a young woman shouting rape, do you think reactions would be the same...makes you think doesn't it...

Somebody asked me the other day what the strangest thing i had ever done was, i thought about it and the recounted the night i had dinner with the was when I was working for Virgin Retail as a video buyer when I got an invitation to dinner because of a new video release, so we just thought they would show the video and there would be a buffet, that was the normal thing. We arrived at Chelsea Harbour Restaurant and was shown into sort of a holding are where the 10 of us were plied with drink, about half an hour later the call to dinner came...they opened the double doors of the private suite and there in front of us was a huge table with all the muppets sat there moving and talking. You can't really describe the wonder of something like that, but we were then seated in between muppets and dinner was served. Nobody even thought of looking under the table at the puppeteers, it was truly magical as course after course came and Miss Piggy and Kermit argued, fozzie told jokes and Animal...well he was just Animal!
After about two hours we were all escorted away from the room and as the doors closed all the muppets were waving and shouting was a great bit of PR and something I shall never forget...has anybody done anything stranger?...let me know in the comments...

...suddenly Marvin the Mosquito blew up like a huge Goodyear balloon and realised that he had hit an artery...

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Boom bang a bang

...opening the window, Sue took a deep breath and it was that moment that she remembered that they had bought the cheaper house next to the pig farm...

I went to a roman catholic lower school yesterday for a bit of out of hours training and I was mortified when i saw how many religious icons and crosses were scattered round the wonder most catholics (apart from Marie!) grow up to be religious screw ups. I went to use the male teachers toilet and i walked in to find a Virgin Mary staring at you as you go in...whether this was to make the teachers refrain from knocking one off or just to frighten you I don't know, but there she was as you came out of the cubicle, stood next to the sink...mind you I suppose you could have always used her as a towel rack. In the classrooms were 'little person' sized altars which i found really strange and just a tad disturbing. What will the teachers have them doing next, flagellating themselves and having an Opus Dei joining up lunch?

I told you that they should have left the pope to die...look whats happened now, a tracheotomy so he can't speak cruel is that...see nobody listens do they!

Great night of TV last, watched everything that was awful about Celebrity Fame Academy for Comic Relief, and then later on we had the comedy Tsunami aid which was a fabby 2 hour set of the greatest comedians alive today...although it didn't have Peter Kay on it...everyone was great though and a barrage of text messages hit lisa as one great joke came out after another...lisa gave up answering later on, i think i must have fingered her out...

Off out to lunch in a minute, we are going for the 'as much food as possible for the lowest possible price' option so are aiming for the Hungry Horse, the only problem is that children are allowed and i really HATE children, but it is good sport to see how many you can trip up when they are running around because when they fall over and start crying it's really great to give the parents a really cold Paddington stare and tut tut tut a lot!...

...Chav played joyfully with Mindys nipples, but this didn't go down very well with the ladies at the bus stop...

Saturday, February 26, 2005

A passing

I got home today to find that an old friend of mine had passed away...she died of cancer and was the same age as today i dedicate this page to Gill and hope i meet up with her in heaven one day...


My world fell asleep the day you passed on,
with hesitant steps I walked from your room,
the kitchen seemed still,
an old worn out broom stood soulless,
and I the virtuous son stood soulless also,
tears for past lives long gone.

The depth of night with the cold shadows soon
entwine the crevices of each empty room
with bouts of sadness, the removal of one.
But you, you were light as a spring wisp breeze,
with colour you lit up the star's night gaze,
you left imprints of footfall with graceful ease.

The laughter gone,
the smiles no longer raise lines in your tortured visage,
sudden cease.
Dear departed, you still set my heart ablaze.

Neil Piddock
Copyright ©2002

Friday, February 25, 2005

oh how i howled! Posted by Hello

Oh how could they!!! lol Posted by Hello

a friend in need is a nuisance

...Mindy hitched up her skirt and let Chav explore her inner desires, that was until the fanfare started and the bride started to walk down the aisle...

Lets talk about exorcisms...namely Channel 4's much touted live exorcism which was in fact recorded earlier in the evening. What we wanted was...heads turning 360 degrees, lots of swearing and projectile vomiting, a priest shouting "May the power of christ compel thee", lots of rasping noises, bloodied crucifixes with a demon shouting "Look what she did to me, your cunting daughter", priests flying downstairs and beds floating up on the ceiling. WHAT WE GOT! was... a small northern man being hovered over by a lay preacher for about 50 seconds and then the northerner said "Yeah I'm alright now"...and that was it! I looked astounded at the TV as they had dedicated 2 whole fucking hours for a northerner to utter Yeah...I'm...Alright...Now!!! have got to be fucking kidding, some people somewhere are having a fucking good laugh...but Channel 4 ..I AINT ONE OF THEM...Tossers!

Next thing...I turn on the TV this morning to have my daily fulfillment of sofa jollifications when up pops Katie Price aka Jordan. She proudly declares that she is singing a song which may represent britain in the Eurovision song contest this year but we have to vote for her at the competition next week. She looks awful, yellow hair, ultra orange tan and deffo too much make-up. Anyway it goes to break and comes back after a few mins.."and here she is...Katie Price"...the music starts and then it happens, this noise comes out of her mouth like a thousand randy tomcats at a pussy fest, I have never heard anything so god damn awful in my life, who on earth told the bitch she could sing...I wonder if it was her singing superstar boyfriend Peter Andre. If this represents our dump of a country at the big event, then i will definitely turn straight and go after a date with Edwina Currie...PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR KATIE PRICE...SHE IS EVIL...

Day (i forget the numbers now...) Darcy is growing up very quickly, he is only 4 and already has whispy hairs on his chest, he does seem to frown a lot and has picked up a nickname from the nuns who now call him 'arsey darcy'...I caught him in the stys the other day exploring a pig, this does not seem a healthy pastime for a boy. His father came to see me, he has now gone back to Africa to see if we could live out our lives on his fathers land but i don't know whether i will ever see him again. Papa is happily married with fifteen children now and I myself have found a lover. His name is tebold and he works for the local council picking up leaves with a little stick which he fashioned himself out of willow. Tebold is a simple man but he shows a lot of love for my son and myself. The nuns wonder what i see in him but when i tell them the size of his cock, they all understand and smile wistfully. My wimple collection is getting rather large, I wonder if they will ever go out of fashion...

...and she sat down in the greek sunshine and cried to herself, totally fucking forgetting that the marathon was going on around her...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

nifty is not the word you are looking for

...susan swore she could do more than two things at once, and then the girls noticed she had eight arms like an octopus...

supacalafragalisticexpialidocious, sit on my cock and take me home, riding me like a grand national was THAT sort of day today, the day that you wish you had stayed in the womb and sealed it shut so no one could get reason in particular but just not a day to repeat in a hurry. Today i feel full of cold, can't just get rid of it and it annoys me, but nobody cares so I just have to get through it on my own. Other men are allowed to have flu symptons when they have a cold, i don't...when i have a cold its just a cold and its very hard to evoke sympathy from anyone when you're not suffering and you don't need a cold wet flannel bath...oh well, thats another bad part of being single.

I started talking to a guy yesterday from the net, he is greek, extremely good looking (yes i do have a pic Gina!), speaks seven languages and is a financier in London...could this be the one? He is really great to speak to, appreciates art, good food and fine wine, and hopefully will meet up in the next week or so. Now i have to think whether i can keep up with him financially! lol

Lisa is coming round this evening and I am going to frighten her to death with the DVD of 'The Grudge' which i saw recently, Sam Raini's finest scare fest since the 'Evil Dead'...I had better get here to have food first as she might not want to eat after.

Thursday is a good day because its the day before friday...and we know what friday's the weekend!! woo hoo!

I think that will suffice today, did not have time to read or even buy a paper today so I don't really know what might have upset me ...if i find out then i will rant about it tomorrow.

I send you blessings...

...Chav licked Mindy's ear and rolled his tongue right round her ear didn't impress the doctor as he was taking a smear test at the time...

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Teddy Ruxpin promotes beastiality!

...and it wasn't until sandra got her first pair of contact lenses that she found out she was living with a lesbian called michaela...

Well, well, well...the old dog of a queen (no, not me...the other one) can't be bothered to walk across to a town hall for the wedding of the I said its doomed from the start. If he wants to marry a woman who looks like she should be serving in the equestrian department at Harrods then its up to him...but this commoners marriage is a bit of a laugh, imagine the wedding party popping into the old frog and strumpet on the way back for a pint and a pie. Camilla would be knocking back the Gins and Charles would be talking to the plants in the corner. If Princess Margaret was still alive, she would have shown them what for, swearing like a trooper in the snug surrounded by gigolos all ready to sniff her crusty muff!...does it really show that i dislike the royal family?

Stunning article in The Independent today about bloggers and how many are being sacked from their jobs because of what they write about their working day and their colleagues. I suppose it is a bit of common sense really but as there is no backing for bloggers, as from now I will not write about work and I would ask any readers comments not to include any work details. I would like to also make a legal statement that the views on this website are my own and are not affiliated in any way to my place of work or the staff of the aforementioned workplace. Readers are responsible for their own comments and any deletions made by me will be purely in my own safety!...phew, heavy bit over, i think that has it cleared.

Didn't Gina do a lovely job on the blog...the exciting news is that next Tuesday we will have another guest, namely Matt who will give as good as it gets from a mans man point of view (expect lots of lumberjacking, blonde jokes, talk about cars and testosterone spraying...not!), don't say i don't spoil you sometimes. Thanks for the comments about the Darius picture, bless him...unfortunately thats the only one...and no Martin I am not turning it into a porn blog site!

Day 500. The baby is getting a bit bigger and a bit more interesting now, I think Darcy will be a very big ladies man because he keeps reaching out at ladies decollete as we walk by. The nuns have just informed me that he probably wants feeding and he was going for any tit he could find...i feel so foolish. Papa and Tina are having a baby and are buying one from the local workhouse. Papa informed me for the first time that I have a brother by the name of Bussell, I just hope I haven't slept with him...I like the fact that my sons name and my brothers name go together so well Darcy, Bussell...hmmm (sorry, that was an arty ballet joke thrown in cheaply). The nuns are taking me into town soon to buy a new wardrobe for the child...i wonder if there will be a whimple shop?

...Mindy looked at her boyfriend lovingly, put her legs behind her head and said, "is that sexy enough for you"? Unfortunately this caused a few laughs as the queue in the bookies got longer...

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

God bless Darius in a kilt and god bless the paparazzi photographer!!! Posted by Hello

Are you ready for Gina...?

...It wasn't until Mindy took down her boyfriends pants and eyed his bewitching tool that the people collecting their giros got a bit annoyed...

Well here we are folks, its the very first Piddys Place guest's Gina!

Welcome to Gx's world - The Dating game(and for some it's just that, a game!)

What's it like being single and 42. Most of the time it's fantastic, a close circle of friends who care about each other, uncomplicated fun, never having to explain where you are going, who with, and what time you will be home, cooking what you want when you want, fancying the same guy as your gay friend(what good taste we have Neil). But of course there is always a down side, the things I really miss, a hug, the relaxing massage after a busy day at the office, some else putting petrol in the car, coffee in bed and occassionally, sex-honest I only miss it sometimes!

So 2005 is here, it's time I started seriously looking for that single, some-one special, sounds easy, but the reality is very different. Armed and enthusiastic, (after a drunken chat with Martin, one night) I logged on to www.I'msad& All the time I thinking "why am I doing this" but 5 weeks on, I can honestly say I've had fun. I'm trying to be very careful and I thought very selective, but, of course you can be whoever you want on paper. I personally prefer to be upfront and honest, but have discovered that others do not feel the same. This year so far I have had two dates, both very nice(ish) and both very different.

Date 1, fab, sexy, intelligent man, own house etc etc........ I will refer to him as "dangerous", he's a "player", just looking for sex. Well sunshine, my advice to you is to keep looking, I wanted to be dated first, and shown some respect. He was not prepared to do either, so subsequent dates were always cancelled. His nickname for me was "Miss prim and proper", I feel sure my friends would never describe me as this!

Date 2, a nice guy, made me laugh, but unfortunately there was not the "something special" I'm looking for.

Date 3, nearly happened, but some-one got there first, he was honest and told me, and I can't ask for more than that.

So my quest goes on, or does it? If I'm honest, I have become addicted to logging on, checking emails, etc.(of course, I always read the blog first!) But maybe it's time for me to have a break from this sad and desperate life, and enjoy being single. People (all of them married) keep telling me I will meet some-one when I least expect too, I'm not so sure, so for now I will take it one day at a time, and maybe my efforts will pay off.

So to all the single people out there, good luck, and lets hope that one day we will find that illusive special some-one! Must go now, I need to check my emails again!!!! lol

Special thanks go to: Neil-for inviting me as a guest blogger, and for introducing me to a gorgeous man on Friday(who unfortunately forgot he was married), Lisa-for loaning me the relationship books, and making sure I don't make any mistakes, Martin-for giving me to courage to log on, Karen-for giving me the enthusiasm to continue, Lynne-for keeping an eye on me, Lilian-for selecting date number 2, Helen-for keeping a secret!!!!! and off course, to all my friends who are always so supportive, even when I have shocked them.

Aww, many thanks to Gina for that special look at a ladies libido...more from me tomorrow.

...then Timmy looked at his plate of large meatballs in gravy and wondered why he was being called a faggot...

Monday, February 21, 2005

snow is just gods dandruff

...he took his ear plugs out, opened his eyes and realised that the plane had landed three hours previously...

I have just been very bad, we changed our minds about the Rosemary Conley diet tomorrow so I have ordered from Pizza Hut this very very debauched!

I thank you all for the comments about the first chapter of the book, alas there is no more...yet!
I think i should just briefly explain the idea behind was meant to be a sort of snapshot about a tower block and the events that took place all at the same time in this one particular day in the various flats that would have been connected with each Isaac heard next doors having sex, it turns out that her husband went home in the afternoon to have sex with her once more before he left her for the lady at number 32...then it carries on with what the lady at 32 is doing at that moment etc etc (even i confused myself a bit there, but i think i've explained it okay), very sorry but there is no more of isaac, he simply is left dying and no super hero or hunky policeman is going to burst in and find him in time, it doesn't happen in reality so why should it happen in my book...I may now proceed to write further chapters after your very generous comments.

Had a fulfilling afternoon with matthew today...he was puttting this brown glue on the wall and i was placing cork tiles...I told Matt that it looked like he was having a fecal protest about some cause or other, but it now look very nice in the office and will be a great gallery space for mine and matts photography.

Lets talk about breakfast tv i really want to be eating my Special K watching babies being changed or listening to a very soothing voice talk to me about Thrush and intimate feminine, do i fuck...i want to see cartoon animals eating chocolate and people laughing as they run along beaches, and car adverts that are exciting and diverse. I want to have that last step away from reality before i join the humdrum of the day....PLEASE!

Day 414. I am finding motherhood very disappointing, I thought it might be like having a pet dog that plays and snuffles, I have ended up with something that sleeps, eats, defecates and then goes to sleep again. Papa has been in touch, he wasn't very amused as the baby is quite black and looks like his footman charles...perhaps he was that sexual shadow that i dreamed of. I am sure Darcy will grow up to be a fine standing memeber of the town, but for now i'm rather bored with him.

Don't forget to read the special guest blog tomorrow...

...tears fell as he walked away from the lover that he no longer satisfied and all he could hear in the winds gale was "you've forgotten your mac"...

Sunday, February 20, 2005

tower people... Posted by Hello

Sunday Special

...mark and mandy looked at the 'sold' sign on the house, looked each other in the face and said "right, now lets trash the joint"....

Today is one of those blog specials that i do occasionally, (and no...its not because i can't be bothered to write anything!) and today I am presenting to you the first chapter of a book I started to write and never got any further with...let me know what you think, i might be tempted to carry on with it...and apologies to those who have read it before but i will have more new stuff for you to read tomorrow...

Tower People
Neil Piddock

Munchen Court – A tower block run as general needs habitation, 114 flats on 15
floors, owned by Tenamore Housing assoc, Central England, Present Day.

Flat 114 – 2 bedroom, penthouse apartment, roof garden

Mr Isaac Rubens, 78 year old doyen of the local Jewish community, sits crying and
wanks himself in his trusty old leather recliner. He lives on his own, his wife died
just over 3 weeks ago from Ovarian Cancer, a slow and energy draining passing.
Mr Rubens finds wanking a release for his emotion that he still feels for his wife, he doesn’t produce ejaculate anymore but the feeling he gets when his testicles tighten and his penis tries to shoot, seems to make him happy.

Today is Friday, and, being the start of the Jewish Sabbath Isaac has been to the shops and bought his supplies that he buys every week. A good kosher diet and plenty of fluids. Today though Isaac has added a little extra to his list, a tin of caustic soda and some bleach, for today Isaac has decided to commit suicide. He feels that he can’t go on anymore without his beloved Ruby, together for 60 years last spring. He knows that all his family and friends are there to support him but that’s not enough. He just has a few more things to do before the end, so Isaac gets out of his chair, wipes his eyes, fondles the tip of his cock and closes the button-fly on his favourite trousers.

Isaac goes to the kitchen and prepares his last meal of Beef stew with Bagels; he lovingly stirs his preferred pot and slavers at the thought of the juicy meat dissolving on his tongue in little under an hour’s time.

Isaac leaves the kitchen and just does one more look around the apartment before he feels he is ready for the act to take place. He goes into the bathroom and straightens the rug once more, looks at his sad face in the mirror, as he does he looks deep into his eyes and thinks about everything those eyes have seen over the last 78 years. He doesn’t think about the war, Isaac feels too many people still think about the war and God must have had a reason to do it, so why question.

Isaac walks across to the second bedroom where he has placed out everything that will concern his family. He has neatly numbered all his documents in the order that his family will have to process them. No one will be angry; he has been very fair to all. He discussed this with Ruby before she passed, so if Ruby was happy so was he.

Everything is fine; he closes the door of the bedroom and walks down the dark corridor to the main bedroom. On the door of this room he has neatly pinned a sign that says “Body in here”. He walks in and just makes sure that the window is slightly open, just enough to take away any odours that may expel when he dies. He realises that there is a drawer of the dresser that he forgot to tidy, he opens it and sees letters that his wife sent to him on various occasions. A waft of Lily of the Valley emanates from the drawer and he smiles as his eyes well back again. He knows the letter on the top of the pile is the one she gave him in the hospice and he decides to re-read it once more...

“My darling Isaac, Our time together is over, I have enjoyed every ounce of your spirit…your smiles, your love and your patience with me in my time of need. You are now free, make the most of it, think of me often but don’t dwell on the fact that I’m not there. I will leave now in the knowledge that my love for you has lasted until my death, for that fact I am extremely happy. I will wait…Ruby xx”

Isaac places the letter lovingly in the drawer, he knows his children will find them and treasure them.

Isaac returns to the living/dining area and waits for his stew to cook for the last ten minutes. He can hear the Nelsons at number 113 just starting to have sex again. He wonders how they find time in the daytime to do it. Isaac gets angry when this happens; he feels they have no consideration for other residents. He thinks about knocking on the wall but then why should he, it’s his last time of hearing it.

Isaac methodically wanders to the kitchen, takes his stew off the heat and ladles it into a large serving bowl. He then takes a glass out of the cupboard, nothing too extravagant, a normal tumbler will suffice. He puts the tumbler on the side and pours some barley water into the bottom, it has to be lemon flavoured, next he puts four tablespoons of caustic soda into the glass and its starts to madly fizz, he opens the bleach and pours approximately one hundred millilitres into the already lethal mixture. Isaac then goes to the tap and adds a little water to make it the right consistency. He takes his bowl of stew and glass to the dining table and proceeds to eat. He finishes devouring his stew and takes the bowl back to the kitchen, rinsing it and the saucepan out thoroughly to escape the risk of maggots. Isaac returns to the living area, picks up his glass and takes it to the main bedroom. Isaac puts the tumbler on the bedside cabinet and proceeds to divest himself of clothes. He can still hear next doors having sex. Isaac realises he is aroused and gets annoyed because he knows that this is not the right time to have an erection. He tries to think of other things and sits down on the side of the bed and picks up the glass…a sip…he thinks it is the most disgusting thing he has ever tasted…he gulps the rest of the liquid down and the burning inside starts immediately. Isaac is in agony but he lies back on the bed and closes his eyes, he sees Ruby looking for him and falls into a final sleep…Mrs Nelson will notice her neighbours absence in a couple of days and be alerted by a smell emanating from his doorway…

...and once again Alice achieved a gold star in the 'licking the teachers arse' book...

Saturday, February 19, 2005

I love you so much it hurts

...squeak, aqueak, squeak went old jacobs three legged dog as it trundled by on its little wheel...

My god, the pub was full of sexual predators last night, it was a very very sexual event, lisa ended up horny, Gina was near enough stuck to the chair and i was left feeling dead jealous (for reasons of decency i shall not go into!) We were surrounded by beautiful people last night and it was an awe inspiring evening...I am so tired today though, I did the usual drunk thing of getting home and phoning the kebab shop for the emergency food parcel delivery...greasy food and beer does not sit well, hence getting up early and then feeling sleepy all day...

Well me and Lisa have decided to go to Rosemary Conley class on Tuesday and its the diet and salsacise class so I am hoping its not going to be too strenuous!...I am determined to lose a couple of stone before we go away later in the year. Apparently in this class there is lots of hip wiggling and slidey moves to gyrate belly and butt, we shall report how we get on...

Next week I will have a guest blogger for one day and that will be Gina this feel free to post any questions for Gina on the comments section and I am sure she will get round to answering one or two within her blog...I of course will remain ineditorial control so nothing gets out of hand!

Somebody mentioned about other friends in the comments the other day...Matt and Marie are very well and such a beautiful married couple, Lyn is fine although probably suffering this morning, Lauren is keeping in touch...i don't think i've forgotten anybody but sorry if i have..

So no ranting and raving today (there might have been but something was resolved!) and i will be chilling in the beautiful sunshine of a peaceful Saturday...

..."Oh pish!" cried the gay carpenter as he broke another nail...

Friday, February 18, 2005

Living in a worm hole

...the moment of panic set in when sheila realised that sweat didn't move from left to right...

Today will be a little blogette as it is Friday and i need to get into happy pub mode...

What is it with you girls and pants...yesterdays blog comments are pants, literally! Pants doing this, child with pants, dirty pants out of jeans like rabbits out of hats, big pants, little pants...enough about pants now, otherwise us boys will start to talk about skid marks and wee stains and thats just from your pants! lol

Lets talk about hospitals, hospital porters in general or lets just call them monkeys (even though that is a bit of an insult). My friend reccounted this tale and i thought it worthy of mention...he was at hospital having his bits looked at (something to do with cutting a testicle open...I was allowed to say that wasn't i? ...sorry R*******.) and the porter was called to shave him down in his nether regions. Now being the sporty type 'R' was already clean shaven and very smooth down there so when the porter arrived he lifted up R's gown and looked. he looked bemused and then hollered over to the sister that R was 'as bald as a bandicoot and that it looked like a plucked chicken'. R was not amused and told the porter to 'fuck off you dimwit', the sister was furious and asked the porter just to take R down to surgery. They trolleyed off and finally reached the place where they give you drugs (only called this because i can't spell aneeeethsstetissts) and R was put under, while he was going under he did have vague memories of his gown being lifted up and people laughing. The op was a success and R came round lying in a ward, the nurses came over to him and looked 'down there' and laughed. R panicked at this and wondered what had happened. He asked for a mirror and to his horror just above his cock was a drawing of a pair of eyes and ears with curly hair, all drawn in permanent marker. His bollocks were the size of small lemons and he looked ridiculous...inside the gown pocket was a little not saying 'never be rude to a porter' the moral of the story is beware of the porter mafia, they will win in the end...

Day 391. I have a beautiful baby boy, I think i shall call him Darcy.

Oh i just love these little critters!

...and when it became dark, Fred became the best sexual athlete God had put on this earth, not bad for a lollipop man...

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Are all neutred cats gay?

...suddenly the blood shot everywhere and it was in that moment that trainee nurse suzie remembered the difference between a vein and an artery...

Lets talk about sex advertising...a couple of years ago I thought i might be able to make a bit of money on the side on one of those sex talk lines, you know the ones 'I have the glory hole that you want', ' Cum to my room' or 'I need some playmates' or perhaps you don't know...anyway I phoned up and was told that i had a good voice for the phone and should go along for a test and an interview. As the pay was about 20 pounds an hour I thought it might be a good laugh for a couple of hours, so i went to the address that i was given, it was a hovel, there was guys all over the place, dirty unwashed with that heroin chic look. The place stank of weed and this guy came over to me and asked me to go to the office upstairs, I went in to the empty office and sat down, the phone started to ring and somebody shouted out to answer cut a long story short the guy tested me by telling me what he wanted to do with me and i think i gave all the right answers and moaned a fair bit, he shot his bolt and then the phone went dead...the guy came to the office and said that was great and when could i start so we started discussing money, it turns out that the company pay 20 pounds an hour but you have to hire your space as such on the fact just like hairdressers rent their chairs, with added cum. So you only really get about 8 pounds an hour so i told them to screw it...I suppose if you are desperate enough it's alright, it seemed quite a laugh and guys were sat there doing puzzler and crossword books whilst metaphorically sucking somebody dry and playing with their chocolate starfish...but it wasn't for me...well, this time anyway! This may have all been a dream, i'm not quite sure!

Todays European film is "Life as a whore"...A Russian youth goes on the run to Moscow to escape from gangsters who were taking his money from him and forcing him to perform sexual favours. He realises that he could make money for doing the same so goes in search of clients for himself. Along the way he meets a blind girl who he decides to look after with his rent boy earnings and they set up in a small room on the outskirts of the city. Eventually after turning a few tricks he makes some very important contacts and becomes fabulously wealthy...the blind girl suddenly becomes terminally ill and he has to spend his money on hospitals and medication for her. She eventually dies, which leaves him destitute and desperate...he catches a cold which then turns into pneumonia and the youth curls up into a ball and dies as the snow falls around him...the last shot is of one of the gangsters (from the beginning of the film) visiting Moscow who throws a coin in slow motion which lands on what he believes is just another young vagrant but it is in fact the young man that he stole from originally...fade to black

Day 390. I am about to give birth, the nuns have been very good and told me the lord is with me throughout my sin, which is quite nice to know, but not very helpful. Papa has not contacted me for the last two months, it seems he has married Tina...what am I to do wimpleless and poor, how will i bring up my child...are we really destined for the workhouse?...

(please tell me what you want to happen next in Jane Eyres Diary...just a couple of words and we shall take the story on a journey which i will write for you.)

Smelly people...there is no excuse, soap costs pennies and there is no excuse not to change your underwear. We should not have to stand in queues behind people smelling of wee! The shopkeepers should not have to spray everytime a certain person leaves the shop...its an outrage...all people who smell should be terminated or at least put in a bath with some coal tar soap until their elbows bleed!

..."Super", said Georgie as she examined her new hermatically sealed Tupperware with executive air lock...

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

...the aforementioned chicken in a basket... Posted by Hello

A chicken does not come in a basket naturally!

...after the ambulance had been, Gavin realised that, at 32, he was probably too big to sit on Santas lap...

Ah bless Moby and all who sail in him, he has a new album out on March 13th (which i have already and its so so now, baby!) and so to celebrate this fact I have put a link to the new site...enjoy it, its very seductive...

Lets talk about the British travel industry moaning about declining tourist numbers at British resorts...well have a word with Billy fucking Butlin for a start..I got a quote for their new hotel at Bognor for September time and for four people in two rooms you know how much it was?...wait for it!... £ 852 for three days bed and breakfast, this included a charge of £ 180 to actually use Butlins across the road while you stay at their hotel! How extortionate is that and how fucking funny! I am really sorry but when faced with a bill of £ 600 for a week for four in the Costa del Sol or three days in Bognor, what would you choose...I actually wrote a letter of complaint this morning and did receive a hasty reply this afternoon, all they said was that the price was comparable to the full price of a Gold or Deluxe room in the Butlins camp..oh yes, and can somebody bring me someone that has paid full price at Butlins in the last 5 years! Ha.!

Has anybody been watching Celebrity Detox, I use celebrity in the loosest term, its a great programme where you get to see celebs purge themselves in the Himalayas by drinking so much saline that they have to crap and sick it out, elsewhere In Slovenia they are sleeping 400 feet up on a ledge to conquer fears of height etc...and the best one is in Thailand where the celebs are learning how to masturbate yogically and are having to perform in front of the group...its great car crash television and is on straight after tonights Depsperate Housewives.

If you want to see a really girly film you have to see 'Shall We Dance' with Saint Richard Gere and Dame Susan Sarandon in it...its a lovely lovely fluffy feel good type of film featuring J-Lo too acting rather well for a change.

Hmmm this blog is far too nice today, nobody must have upset me and so the vitriolic side is staying buried today...why do newsreaders always bang their papers at the end of the broadcast?, why do 'Subway' sandwiches cost the price of 5 premium loaves of bread?...

We finally have our first sighting of the Samurai kittens, Jesse Martin from Lowestoft phoned me after chasing a cat out of her back garden and she found a little samurai sword was left where the cat had been...this time she was lucky. Do not approach them, please be warned its only a matter of time before they find a Korean...

Congratulations to Lisa as she now has another family member added to her household...bless them all..

...and 'Zing went the strings of his heart', but unlike the song this meant that he ended up in the cardiac care unit under constant surveillance...

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Hooray...All is well in the house of Piddy!

...'Snap', came the sound, as Tigger bounced on his tail for the very last time...

The Joys of Sex - your problems answered (as good as the answers can be, anyway!)...

"Dear Piddy, I am having a problem maintaining an erection when having sex, do you have any ideas"...Dear Drooper, I suggest you get your boyfriend/girlfriend to suck on an ice lolly long and hard whilst you are naked. Once they are finished, ask them to tie the stick round your knob and hey presto! a perfect splint...not really useful for intercourse though or hand jobs.

"Dear Piddy, I am a lady of 30 and I cannot seem to achieve an orgasm when pleasured by my lesbian friend"...Dear Butch, I have a small trick for you to try, get a small make up sponge and fill it with as much water and honey mixture as you can, then insert as far into your lady garden as possible. When you are being pleasured by your dykie friend just squeeze your muscles as hard as you can and a flood of sweet juice will flow, okay it won't feel the same for you but it will shut the other bitch up.

"Dear Piddy, Can you please tell me if the rhythm method works?"... Dear Dancemeister, it depends what gramophone record you are doing the deed to, obviously a waltz is nice and fucking to the blue danube is a favourite of more genteel ladies but if you want a real down and dirty bang try Riverdance, frantic and fun when trying to stamp your feet at the same time.

That's all the questions we have time for today, more soon...

Day 156. I have fallen pregnant, papa says it must have been immaculate unless he was terribly drunk and mistook me for one of the mill girls who seem to be living with us now. He is at his wits end, Tina is furious and I have been talking to nuns ensuring my safe escape when the time comes...I am no longer allowed to wear a white wimple.

Piracy downloading versus a trip to the cinema...
What do i get when i download the latest films from the internet?, a comfy chair that I am used to, a pause button for when needs be, a fully stocked kitchen ready for stomach gratification at the drop of a hat, peace and quiet, concentration, a bottle of wine, total involvement with aforementioned film, gratuitous sobbing if needs be, a toilet within 3 metres and finally satisfaction and contentment.

What do i get when I visit the cinema?, a torn fold down excuse for a chair that has copious amounts of black 5 year old chewing gum on it, a snack bar that insists on selling giant size items for extortionate prices (this isn't too bad if you need supplies for 'Gone with the wind' at nearly four hours but when its 'Spongebob Squarepants the Movie' at 70 minutes then its a bit of a fucking rip off), constant talking bickering snoring moaning coughing sneezing bastards (and also the wanker that insists on telling his mate in front of you what the fuck is going to happen in the next half hour), the inability to concentrate on the film at all because the sound is too fucking quite and the screen is smaller than the widescreen tv at home, no wine or beer, no involvement at all with film, no emotional outburts except to tell the kids behind you to stop kicking the fucking chair and then having to deal with the raging parent whose kid you have just made cry, a five mile fucking hike to the toilets which are always flooded and stink of piss and puke, no satisfaction and the loss of the will to live at the end of the film.

Thats why i will remain a pirate for evermore...amen.

...Tristram farted and everyone looked around and laughed at him, and suddenly the funeral wasn't sad anymore...


...Mindy sighed as Chav finished going down on her and just had enough breath to tell the assistant it was take-away and not eat-in...

Monday, February 14, 2005


'm sorry but i really can't do this today...normal service to be resumed tomorrow...

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Hmmm Posted by Hello

In the spirit of all godliness...go fuck yourself! wasn't until luigi unveiled his new ketchup machine that tommy the tomato put his suicide pact into place...

Today is a bleak day, it started off alright but as the day has grown longer, so has my face. I get really pissed off sometimes, perhaps i'm watching too many bleak films or reading too many bleak books but i need someone to lighten my mood, you know sometimes that you just want to cry and you don't know why, well thats me today...sombre and forlorn...that doesn't mean i can't be sarcastic and ironic though!

Day 122 The mill burned down three days ago, papa was very helpful and gave shelter to the mill women whose clothes had all been burnt off...i am hoping he will come out of his room again soon. Tina has still been hovering outside the window and sending me love notes...I feel funny, i think i need to ride another horse...i feel a wimple buying spree is called for.

Another film for you today..."The Party", set in a slavic village the film is all about a young adult male who is coming up to 21, and to demonstrate his deliverance to manhood he has to perform a public erection. The film follows the building of the stage where he will perform and the entwined lives of his relations and friends as they build the aforementioned platform. The angst that the young man shows throughout the film comes to a head (pardon my pun!) when it appears that he cannot in fact perform the deed...his mother then commits suicide, his father kills the son and then the aunts beat the father to death with the hams that had been hanging in preparation for the party. The uncles then cast their wives off in a fishing barge never to be seen again and the uncles move to a new area of the country to build a new village and pray for the birth of a boy who can maintain an erection when the needs be...the full circle of life.

When I Loved You,
The world was a brighter place,
My burdens weren't so heavy
And I could laugh and sing
And dance and play.
I felt special
Lying there in your arms.
So that no matter what I faced,
I knew I could make it through,
With you beside me,
Holding my hand,
Lifting me up
When I didn't have the strength to stand.
An emotional oneness
Shared by two hearts
That made life worth living
That made my world complete.
But when you walked away,
My burdens grew quite heavy,
Almost more than I could bear.
And now once again I must walk alone,
While my heart yearns
For When I Loved You.

--Jo A. Witt
Copyright 2004

...straight afterwards Dan turned to him and said "Don't ever leave me again, Happy Valentines Day" and everyone spontaneously cried...

Saturday, February 12, 2005

It was a very entertaining Aardvark

...three bumps and a squirt and it was all over for that occasion...

Ahh...have just been watching 'Before Sunrise' from 1994 with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, beautiful film about how a couple just meet on a train and spend one intense night together just walking around Vienna and finding out about each other before he has to fly back to the states the next it can be done, they fell in love but made no firm arrangements to meet up again...true romance.

Had my reply back from advertising standards people today...I will precis the reply, basically it says that I am the only person who has complained about the Kellogs Fruit n Fibre advert which indicates that 'viewers generally are not interpreting the material in the same way as yourself'. Its actually quite a funny letter (irony plays a large part) and i might just start complaining about other ads just to see what letter they send out...what about the 'Charmin' adverts, bears do not use toilet roll so it is displaying a false picture of bear domesticity. That should do the trick.

Its BAFTA night tonight so i shall don the old evening suit and sit with a nice bottle of wine to cheer the Brit films on. 'Vera Drake' should do well but we shall have to see what the panel have come up with. I always thought about making some arty world cinema films and i used to write the ideas dow, heres a couple...the first film I would make is 'A Toothbrush for Anya", it tells the story of a mothers trek from North to South Poland in search of a 'Wisdom Reach' toothbrush that she has seen in a westernized advert. The film would be shot in a grainy black and white and would feature industrial imagery, angst ridden faces and very little dialogue. The film ends with the mother buying her holy grail of toothbrushes but then she gets run over by a depressed taxi driver who is trying to kill himself and as Anya the little girl runs toward the dead mother she herself gets trampled by a hoard of people waiting for the bread shop to open. Their lifeless bodies now left in a desolate empty street...fade to black.
The second film is 'The Crossing', this will be shot in extreme candy colour and feature a man standing at the edge of a Russian shoreline trying to figure how to get across to the other side. There will be no other actors in the film and the storyline will depend on what the actor wants to portray. He talks to himself about general things in life but we will never find out anything about him. At the end of the film he will collapse and die of Hypothermia and will be eaten by a pack of wolves who then swim across the lake, thus symbollically making the man reach his destination. No music...fade to black.
Well thats me in contention for Baftas next year then...

by the way, i'm sorry but i had to remove the chatterbox as it was causing too many 'pop-up' problems, i will try and find a less agressive alternative...

...It wasn't until Anthony got the fake fur wet that he realised muff diving wasn't all it was cracked up to be...

Friday, February 11, 2005

trying again!

...Henrietta the baroness sheep was so looking forward to her forthcoming debutante dip...

...lets talk about people who go to bed early, especially people who go out on dates and still manage to be at home in bed by 10pm (no they are not 13 and no they do not live with their parents)...what is it with you guys, if this habit spreads any further then there will be no reason for over 25's night clubs, 'grab a granny' nights or Bingo clubs. So what if you are tired the next day, you smell like an old ash tray, you still have sick in your hair and pubics in your one will notice, would you rather have a reputation of being a party girl/boy and the office bike or would you like to be known as the safe quiet lady/man that sits in the corner and is very good with children...get a life, get a know one of the most exciting dates is one that carries on through the night and you end up sharing the same sunrise wherever you are in the world. I beg of you, forget feeling tired, love your life, love yourself...

Matt has provided me with a couple of greta links for you...


Great fun for all...

So Charles and Camilla have opted to share a double horsebox in future then...I couldn't think of a better pairing for the ugliest couple of cunts I have ever come across, sorry i shouldn't call them that as cunts are very useful, money grabbing scum...just don't ask me to contribute to the wedding present...

Did you know?...Cunt is the oldest swear word in the English Language and it was the first swear word to appear in the Oxford English Dictionary. It has always been slang for a dirty woman and In london there was a street just behind piccadilly circus which was always inhabited by whores which was originally known as Cunting lane...Shakespeare liked cunt very much and used it at least five times in as many plays...

Thats all i can remember of todays blog...sorry! wasn't until the silver ring was put through her nose the Matilda realised she had been sold to a piercing fetishist from Rotherhide...

damn those knights who say...nik!

fuck fuck was brilliant, it was dramatic and it took me half an hour to write...and now i have just accidentally deleted todays blog...i may write it again but you may have to wait for tomorrow...fuck!...really pissed off now.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

it's the Incredible smoking hamster

...josh pushed past everyone excitedly, he wanted to be the first to see the woman with three nipples...

Hi all, hope you enjoyed the blog yesterday...there was one thing that i did in London that even Lisa doesn't know about, I shared it with Matt this afternoon and he said I should put it on we were at the Trocadero centre Lisa had to go on a comfort stop, so I just hung around watching a girl bungee trampolining up to the ceiling and back. Then i saw two big screens showing an advert to text your messages of love to 82222 and they would show up on the screens in the was only 25p so I texted "Lisa I Love you Loads...Neil" and nothing happened, just then Lisa came out of the toilets and the message was there on the two screens in 1 foot letters for all to see but Lisa was concentrating on her mobile phone and we went up the escalator and out of the centre without Lisa being any of the wiser...until now!

Matt said to me today that my blogg is more fun when its here we go then...Why didn't they just let the pope die recently, he is no use to anyone as he is, give a younger guy a chance to change the worlds attitude to Catholicism...what they need is a PR Pope, someone who can communicate with persons on every level, someone accessible, someone good looking...heck, why not even a gay pope! that would set the heads rolling!
Catholicism is outdated , dangerous, it causes dysfunctional families, it causes trauma and fright in early chilhood leading to self deprecation in adulthood...according to statistics there have been more allegations of sexual abuse by Catholic priests than in any other religion in the i need to say any more...the current pope will not admit to anything, ditch him for a younger model!

Phew, now thats had an airing lets talk about me! i feel good about most things in my life, i feel that i am at the edge of major changes for me in social and sexual circles and somehow i feel really excited inside but i don't know what about. Last time i felt like this I busted a nut with a guy 15 years younger than me but i can't see that happening this time! I mentioned about one night stands in the headline yesterday and that caused quite a stir, I had a couple of episodes in my younger life where I ended up in bed and didn't even know the peoples names at the end of the that so wrong, if you know its not going to turn into a fully committed relationship why do you need to know the slightest bit of information from them, that way you remain in control at all times and have no come back when you forget them. The worse thing is when you meet them later in life and say "don't i know you from somewhere" and the answer comes back , "yes you fucked me once"...thats always a difficult one!

...he washed up onto the shore melted to his lilo and thought that was perhaps enough sunbathing for one day...

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

the big wheel of London life... Posted by Hello

One Night Stands are alive and well and living in Bedford!

...'ping', 'ping', 'ping','ping', and then it fell silent and the children realised that perhaps they should have given it some water...

Welcome to the special edition of the blog...

Travellers Tales - A Day out with Neil and Lisa
The wondrous journey began on the train as I looked into Lisa's eyes and saw the little girl inside, grinning and playing with pigtails flying in the wind, Lisa was excited and I was determined to give her one of the best days I could manage before time runs out. We arrived in London and decamped over to the Emankment tube station, we then made two mistakes, 1) trusting my intuition and 2) asking a policeman for directions to the Tate Modern. After having walked about half a mile in the wrong direction we returned to the spot from whence we came and started again. Our journey took us in the Queens footsteps over Jubilee bridge taking in tremendous views of the london eye etc..

We walked along the South Bank taking in the OXO tower and stopped off for a coffee in the National film theatre cafe...this was a thrilling place full of people talking about treatments of screenplays etc...mind you with this you always get your loud tossers hanging about, the table next to us was trying to talk as loudly as possible about possibly hiring a stunt man to get run over and whether there should be a romantic daliance etc...I nearly leaned over and asked if that meant the leading lady was going to get fucked but i withheld my tongue and Lisa laughed sweetly with her eyes, saying to me "who are these cunts?"

We carried on our journey and reached the Tate Modern, home of the weird and truly wonderful, the most eclectic collection of art that has ever been put under one roof...apart from the Saatchi warehouse which was a big big mistake! Floor upon floor of Rothko's and Pollocks and Dali's...they even had Rodin's "Kiss" on display which was sublime to see in reality, it was a truly moving moment for me. Lisa was awe inspired and we wondered from gallery to gallery being involved, disturbed, emoted or simply scared at what was put in front of us. I tried not to cry as we entered the Rothko room with the "Seagram Murals", its a beautiful and dark place for me and really tells people something about the tortured soul that he became. We then wandered down to the bookstore which I could have spent a fortune in but luckily didn't!

Onward onward onward we walked to London Bridge tube (totally missing the closer one I was looking for!) and went back to central London, a place that comes alive with the lights and night freaks. London is great for walking around, its vibrant, noisy, stinks of piss, dirty but its atmospheric. We found the Chinese buffet 'Mr Wu's' in Leicester Square and Lisa ate...and ate a bit more whilst i was very daintily sipping on my 2 diet cokes...before wolfing down two double cheeseburgers from M********s later on. Ready for the theatre we set off...

The Apollo theatre is one of Sir Andrews property portfolio (for a while!) and its a beautiful old theatre. We arrived and outside was a big hoarding of Patrick Stewart, and Joshua Jackson so i lined Lisa up in front of it to take her piccy, I think she was a bit shy at this point because we were being watched, do i care can see the result below , I personally think its a fabby picture. I tried to get Lisa to take mine ...I won't be asking Lisa to take my photograph again...
The play was fantastically poignant and very funny, both actors were great and we actually got to see Joshua Jackson in just a scimpy pair of pants. After the play we were on a special do where we got to have a Q and A session with the director but we got back in there and Patrick and Joshua were there we have both been close enough to spit at the lovely pair!

It was time to go back to Bedford and after a safe and fast journey home, I bid my goodnights to Lisa and trundled up the lonely 15 flights to remember a day of fun, enlightenment, laughs, food and was a good memory day today and as the farmer says at the end of 'Babe', "That'll do pig, that'll do"...

...the mission had failed because of one thing, Howard had bought crutchless pants instead of tights...

lisa with the stars! Posted by Hello

Pigskin shoes for my babies

..."In the name of God the holy father" shouted the priest as the possessed duck waddled manically up the Church aisle...

I'm very sorry, there was no blog today as we were off having exciting adventures in London. These travellers tales will be told in a special edition tomorrow.

...Percy closed his eyes, puckered his lips and let Bessie the Sheep do all the hard work...

Monday, February 07, 2005

Beam me up spotty!

...of course it was always obvious to the family that jemima was going to eventually become Jim...

Those are the noises that could have been heard out of my flat over the last couple of days, was it a bout of pleasure you ask me, like fuck it was i will say back. There is a nasty little bugger of a computer pest going round called Elite Toolbar. If it gets into your system you suddenly have hundreds of pop ups...more in fact than you can wave a stick at. Its really complex to get rid of it but following instructions it works, anyway i cleared it yesterday only to go onto one of the music web sites this morning and pick it up having spent the last 30 minutes cleaning it out I don't want to have to do it over, problem is none of the anti virus or pop up stoppers recognise it yet so it just gives it free rein to install itself...oh well thats the teccy bit over.

Patrick Hall our local MP came to see me today, he's a jolly good chap for a posh boy and is all for the common man, which is good as you can't get much more common than some people that live round the area (did i just say that out loud!) He wants us to try and recycle more and be proud of where we the local population would understand that!...anyway Patrick holds the record for the most questions asked in the house of commons in a year...they even counted "What times afternoon tea" so i don't think its something to boast about really.

DO NOT PANIC about the Samurai kittens, if you are not Korean you are safe...okay? are safe...ouch!...ooh the little bastards just nicked me...fuck!'re turning they're turning...stay in your homes ...the Samurai kittens have escaped!

Day 80..Papa looked a bit concerned today when I asked him to describe what a lady garden felt like to a man...

Off to London tomorrow to see Capt Jean Luc Picard...since he left the command of the Enterprise he has been doing well as an actor so we are off to see his latest effort. Also am dead excited because we booked the holiday to Egypt yesterday so now have to lose a couple of stone before September...does anyone think I can do it?

...after giving her boyfriend fellatio, Mindy looked around the bus and wondered what they were all staring at...

Sunday, February 06, 2005

a womb with a view

..."Higgins", shouted the teacher, "Putting the Raw chicken on your head and dancing round the classroom is not part of the Domestic Science syllabus"...

Wooh! bad nights sleep, very restless last night, you know when you get an overwhelming feeling that something bad or disturbing is going to happen, well i have that now and it won't bloody go away...and so i feel more tired this morning than when i went to bed last night!

Lisa sent me a good story from Yahoo the other day about two young girls who made cookies for all their neighbours. They tied them up in little bundles with red ribbon and paper hearts and left them on the doorstep after knocking on the front doors. One neighbour sued them because the knocking bought on a panic attack and the lady ended up in hospital. They ended up being found guilty and made to pay 850 dollars fine!...where has all the love in the world gone!

I know we have mentioned it before but every man and woman should read "He's just not that into you", keep a copy on the bedside table, keep it in a drawer at the office, keep multiple copies everywhere! you just have to have a really changes lives!
(go to the link above and click on the valentine box on the left hand side...extra cheap deal!)

Okay enough now of the samurai kittens..Lisa sent me a picture of Samurai Pizza Cats, it was a disgusting portrayal of the heroic figures. THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE! They do not have shiny outfits and glittery boots, they do not shout "Banzai", and they certainly don't have girlfriends...Our samurai kittens are brave, fearless, furry and fact normal kittens but with very careful, you will never spot a proper Samurai kitten until its too late!

Thanks for the lovely comments about Jane Austens diary, I may do some more of that in the future ...Day 46, Papa found out about my affair with Tina from the Iron Mine, he has been very quiet and most perturbed...the wimple has been burnt.

..."how do you stop it", said Uncle Derek as Harvey the rat gnawed through his slippers towards the big toe...

Saturday, February 05, 2005

A lychee is also known as a fanny fruit!

...Edward did up his flies and, feeling refreshed, ran out to join the other lads in a game of 'kick the oik from the local council estate'...

Today I am a bit sad...don't know why...just one of those days i suppose. Anyway, I had many many questions about the Samurai kittens of yesterday asking if i had a photograph of one to share with you all, the answer after many hours of searching is no, but i thought this might be close enough... ...okay so it doesn't look very violent but you wait till he's armed. That tongue is one of the most lethal weapons in the world!

Well lisa and myself discussed Orlando possibilities but we have decided to ask Mickey to hang up his ears because it works out at least £1200 each without food whereas a nice 2 weeks all inclusive, lazing about by the red sea is about £700, with all the food you can sniff and all the drink you can pee!

I'm finding it hard to write today so i will keep it as a short one...talking of short ones, or long ones in fact, but why do these new dating clubs on the internet insist on you putting your dick size in your profile. Are there really people out there that shallow, who would not sleep with someone that has a dick that is either too small or too big, that intrigues far as I go 'any dick is a good dick' lol!

...Jaques hung up his onions, put away his bike and settled in the noon day sun with his pint of John Smiths, ready for another afternoon at the French Farmers Market...

Friday, February 04, 2005

Amanda Beaverhausen rocks!

...and the applause was rapturous as Tommy the mouse finished his audition for 'The Rodent Players' version of "A Chorus Line"...

Great article in the paper today about Japanese officials training Samurai Kittens, its all meant to be a bit hush hush because of the Korean thing but apparently what the Japanese have been doing is strapping mini Samurai swords to the backs of specially bred kittens and teaching them to roll and lunge so as to create the most carnage in a crowd. I tell you now for one thing, I would not like to be in a market crowd buying a selection of Pak Choi when hoards of rampaging Samurai kittens come rolling through. I think we would be wise to keep out of this one.

You will be pleased to know that I finally finished the "Da Vinci Code" book last night, half an hour before the TV documentary about honestly has to be one of the best books I have ever read and it was nice to see that the TV documentary backed up some of the legend behind it.

It only seems like yesterday that I was saying I was doing fuck all at the weekend and yet here we are again doing fuck all for the weekend this weekend (if that makes sense). I am looking forward to Tuesday though because Lisa and myself are off on a cultural jaunt to London. Off to the Tate Modern ( i can look at cubist statements, rothko's soul and the exploding shed) and some shopping for Lisa (so she can touch and feel some pink and fluffy things!), then on to the theatre where we both can drool over Patrick Stewart (Cpt Jean-Luc Picard) and Joshua Jackson (the adorable Pacey from Dawsons Creek) in David Mamets play 'A life in the theatre'...its had some tremendous first night reviews so we are looking forward to it lots and lots!

Now..all good plans and all that...we were looking at going back to Egypt this year but I can't get the Orlando adverts out of my head, I put it to Lisa and she didn't object, so now at every opportunity I am looking at Disney websites and things for added excitement and inspiration...I just remember what a fantastic time I had last time i went, and i still say you are never too old to wear a pair of Mickey mouse ears and scream until you are sick...

...suddenly the portaloo exploded and blue dyed shite was flung straight towards the vicar who had just finished judging Mrs Bartrams buns...

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Oily yet accessible

...and squidgy laughed his socks off when Bunfrey caught his left testicle on the gatepost...

PHONE lets talk about phone sex (now someone is sweating! tee hee), its just one of those things that sometimes happen in a modern relationship. You do a lot of grunting and groaning across a land line or a mobile (with free minutes of course!) and you find out whether you are compatible with each other through your use of provocative and slightly primeval language. Its a great way of finding out what people like in bed before you actually sleep with them (always tape the conversations if you can, only so that you can review and make notes like 1) wants me to call him hettie etc etc)...ladies, you may hear your man shout "now stick a thumb up my arse", this is quite usual, do not, you may hear her cry "Now flick the feathers faster", again this is really want to avoid relationships with people who use phrases such as, "Now use the kitten" or " now, quickly, let the glass break", these might be problem relationships in the future. If you are doing phone sex, just be careful, its a wild world of telephony out there!

Matts birthday was a reet ripper of a was had by all..nuff to say that you will find photos under this blog...

In the car on the way home somebody mentioned something about a Jane Austen diary (I think...or i might have dreamt it), but i got to thinking what sort of things might be in it...Day 1 "I bought a new wimple today, its a bit daring and papa told me it made me look like Joan of Arc (the horrible french lesbian that tried to battle the church), I have put it in the cupboard for later"...Day 2 "Thought of a new book today and it features a very erotic triste between a local lord and an orphan girl, I shall call it 'Fanny its there' , I shall write some chapters when papa is asleep"...Day 3 "Rode on a horse today, it was most gratifying, now i know why all the ladies tend to have smiles when in recreation"...Day 4 " secretly wore the wimple today while father was out of town and was followed home by a rather manly lady called Tina who works at the iron mine"... and so on and so on... was a very hot day and candice was very disappointed to see a small yellow puddle where her sex butter had previously been...

...and me! Posted by Hello

Gx Posted by Hello

ahh...matt and marie Posted by Hello

a threesome...lisa, gina and lynne Posted by Hello

birthday balloons Posted by Hello

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

slippery yet provocative

...and all the party hilarity stopped when the cat got fed up of escaping from the jam jar...

Marie and her amazing buns!...It was Matts 40th birthday today so we all had fizzy drinks and maries special buns...and they were truly buns to behold, one was carrot cake dusted with chocolate and the other was coffee and walnut, both recipes of Saint Nigella. Marie was applauded for her buns and joy reigned over the office for the whole afternoon...oh and matt was around somewhere too...anyway, back to the buns!

What a great response to the Nigel story, I shall have to see if he has anymore. One thing I have been thinking is to have a guest blog day occasionally where people in my life will be able to talk about me, or anything they long as it has a bit about me in it...and i will put it on the out for that soon.

Joined a new dating site yesterday so will have to see what wonders that brings forth...don't seem to have much luck really, i don't think i'm too could be that people think i'm freakishly ugly, but i do have beautiful eyes! lol...c'mon guys, bring on the testerone, waggle your ball sacks, lets party...God if i was only that energetic thats what i'd be saying...reality me if you want, put the kettle on and let me fall asleep while you stroke my hair and call me 'poppet'.

..."Oh Tippy", "What on earth is that on your dress"..."Have you been playing with that Clinton boy again?"...

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Rolling around in an elephant box

...wading through all the nipple clips, sasha found the cheeseburger that she had dropped earlier...

I talked to my mum and dad today, not an unusual occurence but today my mum told me my blog was weird!...not funny, not enlightening but weird...hmm its a good job i don't write half the things i think about! Does anybody else think it's weird? Please don't classify me with whacko Jacko and call me weird...I am now sobbing, I want to be known as a shining great wit (a whining great shit, i hear you cry)...weird indeed...i still love my parents though!

I was told a story last night while I was working which I have permission to share with you all. Nigel (a work colleague and 'a friend of Dorothy's') had to get his picture taken when he first worked for our employer so he trotted off to the local photo booth to get it done. He went inside the machine and it was one of those photo booths that had celebrity pictures inside so he sat down to get his required four shot, only then realising that he had pressed the wrong button and out came four pictures of Nigel sat with Ali G !..i nearly pissed myself laughing at this point but he carried on and told me that he didn't know what to do so he went to one of the specialist photo shops that do the passport photographs and handed the aforementioned photo over to the shop assistant and asked if they could cut round him and mount him on photo paper. Well I nearly died, it was just one of those stories that you don't hear very often...thank you Nigel for that tale.

Did anyone know that the Pandas that we have in Britain are having trouble ejaculating? I think this is a most serious issue and it has been kept from the general public, so what I did was phone the Royal Zoological society (no, really) and asked them about the story in 'The Independent'. There reply was that 'yes, the Pandas were having problems and IVF treatment was being tried with fresh Panda sperm from China', what the hell kind of country are we living in when a Royal Society can pay out for fucking Panda spunk from China when Mr and Mrs Duncan in St Albans have to travel two or three counties away to get turkey basted...ohh it makes me cross!

...she knew she was a special girl when she could count up to 13 on her toes...