Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween spookiness!

Bugger me, it's halloween and here I am sat working in an undertakers...i've already had flickering lights that never ever flicker and a couple of temperature drops...I feel like i'm on a vigil with fucking yvette fielding and the 'Most Haunted' crew. It's a bit disconcerting but "I ai'nt afraid of no ghosts" as Ray Parker Jnr once said...bring it on!

1. Diets Ahoy!....
First of all for those that know me you will know that i am a big fat motherfucker and so I have decided to yet again do something about it. I have joined '' and so far results are good...I have been following their plan since last Friday and have lost 12lbs in weight. Now I know you lose more in the first week but even so it's pretty good going. I am being helped along by some wonderful Hoozier tablets (plant which is like a cactus but has amazing fat burning properties, without the shitting through the eye of a needle thing that goes on with normal fat burning tablets). If the truth was known you could see that i am just starting to make room for the xmas food and drink that I will devour, well you have to don't you!

2.Remote viewing...
Fascinating subject, just been reading about people who can explore rooms and houses by just sitting in a chair and visualising. Wouldn't that be great, you'd be able to listen in to your friends conversations until they got to the point where they say "and that wanker Neil, what a big fat motherfucker he is" and then that wouldn't be so nice. It could have it's plus points though, I could become a big fat James Bond type who wears a mumu instead of a tux, drives a mobility scooter for easy access and drinks Macdonads chocolate shakes instead of Martinis...very classy.

2a) Top Tune..

3. The good the bad and the pikey...

a)the good...Mother teresa for her work with the poor and the sick, Lt Colombo for all the crimes he solved in a raincoat. Dame Julie Andrews for incresing the tourist trade to Austria and for the fashion of dressing children up in curtains. . Dame Edna Everage for showing our royalty how a real queen should behave. Ian wright for showing people that you really can be thick AND famous. Dame Shirley Bassey for proving that not all pub singers are bad.

b) The Bad...
pooh, Christopher Robin and Roo who should really get off Eeyores case. Bob Dylan for thinking he could sing for the last hundred years. People who make films about ladies who have a terminal illness when there are children and small mammals involved. Petrol pump attendants who dribble and expect you to pay for it. George Bush for still being alive when he has 'died' in front of cameras so many times. the people who print 'small children can choke on peanuts' on packets of food.

c) the pikey...

David and Victoria,The Queen (too much bling), the pope, Pete Docherty, Tranny and Susannah.

In a perfect world I could go on for hours...ciao x

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Monday, October 29, 2007

Spurs that jingle jangle and a willy like a small childs arm...

...and it's a very good evening from me, your host...

1. Saudiism.....

As we speak the Queen is pandering to every need of the Saudi Arabian royal family...what the fuck! is them that should be pandering to us for buying huge amounts of oil at incredibly inflated prices, making the Saudi Royal family the richest uberpikies in the whole world. Of course the Queen lives in a world of her own and has no idea of the hardships her people go through on a day to day basis. "what, does one have to BUY petrol?" she asks her aide and you see the titters and tiaras roll around when she finds out the truth. Fuck her and her family, the whole place would be better under a presidency as I have said many times before...if anyone can make me angry it's her and her inbred half wits...oh, and the pope because he's a cunt.

2. Saw 4....eeek it's here...watching it tonight so will post a report in the next issue.

3. something to keep you amused....

it's just brilliant!

4. Sex talk....

What's 'fisting' all about then...I for one could not imagine anything worse than putting my hand inside somebody's rectum and using them like a glove puppet...if i wanted to do that i would have become a rural vet.

'Piss play'...why?...why would you want to roll around in something that somebody has excreted through their kidneys as by-products that their body doesn't want. If i had wanted to do that I would have got off my tits and gone into the darkroom at some god awful Ibizan club.

'Swallowing'...why all the turned up faces and squealing...its only like sucking an egg out of it's shell with added sweet and sour flavouring.

5. Ticket Prices ....(an old theme revisited)

"Hairspray" is now on sale at £60, I remember when Ellnet was £1.39 for a huge can and i thought that was expensive...seriously though, every time a new show opens in the West End the price goes up...60 pounds! For 60 pounds I would expect 4 of the 5 westlife boys singing their greatest hits, a full facial from them and have change for a packet of moist towelettes from Superdrug....60 pounds my arse...although the soundtrack is fine it ain't worth the money.

My intentions are very good, but my alter ego is very very bad...more goat soon...ciao x

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Tantrums and Tiramisu

Gosh...3 blog entries in 6 regimented am i being ;)

1. 30 Days of Night....
Watched this yesterday and boy oh boy its good...josh hartnett is extremely good with his little puppy's fucking scary and gruesome, just like something out of a clive barker nightmare with vampires that have big teeth and go snackity snack on the local with your throat covered up :)

2.A New Rose....
Lets talk about Gordon Brown for a minute...let me get this straight, i do see myself as a socialist but not on the same track that the current Labour Party want to lead us down...lets face it, Gordon Brown is a shit...he is the worse possible choice for leader, his speeches are boring and he won't commit to any 'proper' policies that would do the country any good...hell,lets face it he won't even commit to the people of this country that he is meant to be looking after. If we had had an election for leader of the Party, he would not be it, plain and simple...Gordon knows this, hence his backing down from announcing a General Election recently.He is scared of David Cameron, an excellent Orator and charismatic what do we do, do we really let hime ride out his 2 years? By then he will have been ousted or unelectable...c'mon Labour Party followers, lets get vocal and get someone who can deliver something to this country once and for all.

3.The Goat and the Ambush Tree (part the third)...

Thwap!....Emery looked astonished as stood before her was a Manatee flapping it's huge sloppy tail onto the dust ground beneath it..."What the fuck?" said Emery (please not that 'fuck' will be changed to 'heck' in the childrens illustrated edition).."Manatees are meant to live in water, where did you come from?"...The manatee looked puzzled for a minute and then quietly asked Emery "have you not read the bible?"
"What's that got to do with anything" muttered Emery, now looking a little scared and apprehensive.
"It tells you where I appeared from" it replied...."I have one here, I'll show you", and with that the Manatee flipped up it's tail and magically threw a bible onto the ground before Emery. It had underlined a specific passage. "Excuse the spelling mistake" the Manatee begged and so Emery read. Emery got to the bit where it says 'and people will expect Manner from Heaven'..."thats it" cried the Manatee excitedly, "it's really meant to say 'Manatees from Heaven' but they were a little shy about correcting spelling mistakes in those days".
Emery was now very puzzled indeed, she looked inquisitively at the Manatee and asked "but why?".
The Manatee asked Emery to take rest on her haunches and began to explain it's purpose as quickly as possible...(to be continued)

One singular sensation after another....roll on.....ciao x

Friday, October 26, 2007

Thursday, October 25, 2007

ooo ee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep...

1. top tunes...

band of horses

the wombats

2. Random flashes of energy...

why is a beaver called a beaver? is there a verb that i have not heard of 'to beave'? if thats the case, what is beaveing as it sounds like it might be quite fun!

Britney Spears is a's official, really. smack headed, bald fannied, harlot starlet that thrives on bad publicity. She keeps asking for help so for gods sake somebody do it and put her out of her misery...saying that the new album is fairly listenable...therefore...full cunt status is removed and she now has the title of 'official cunt in waiting'

the pope is still a cunt....see previous blogs

In a cinema, why is there always one tiny piece of the screen that glistens bright white all through the film and really pisses you off.

I really hate walking on sticky carpets.

3.Did you fact for the day

in porn land sometimes when stars can't produce ejaculate, they mix up a batch of white cotton wool balls with nail varnish remover...apart from the smell it's quite convincing....there you go boys, if you feel tired pre fill a johnny with the mixture but whatever you do don't use it!...have your wicked way with your partner, pretend to cum, roll over, flick off the empty genuine condom and quickly pick up the pre filled one which you have secreted somewhere and hey presto...a satisfied and unaware partner with no effort on your part :)

4.The goat and the Ambush tree (part 2)

'Yes', Emery thought, 'This is indeed a strange and peculiar day'...She heard a voice resounding louder at terrifying speed coming towards her.thwap! be continued.

I'll be back before ye know it....ciao

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Confessions of an undertakers assistant...

yip yip coyote....howdy all!

1.Whats been happening?....well the truth is i got too lazy too write! I know, how sad is that! Every proper gay guy should be ready to share all his salacious gossip at the drop of a Jimmy Choo. I'm back though and will catch up with you all on a more regular basis....first of all I have a guy in my life who is still 'the one' and i really don't expect that to change anytime soon. His name's Mike (for those of you who haven't met him) and he really is heaven and earth to me. we are very opposite but neatly entwined and it works really well because we can learn from each other and teach each other different aspects of lives rich tapestry :) He's funny, witty, charming and I really can't wait until we get our lives together and 'together', if you see what i mean!

2. The Goat and the Ambush tree.

Once upon a time, in a land that was barren and dry, there lived a goat...we shall call her Emery. Emery was 3 years old and had lived the life of a goat as only special goats do...she woke up in the morning, udders pulled and milk drained she trotted up to the highest point of the land and began her daily song...the song was a rather raucous affair and all the other goats frowned at her accordingly. For us humans it was like putting whitney houston and barbra streisand in the same room together to see who could sing the loudest, understand? Emerys song went on for about 10 minutes until Kelvin (the little boy goat from downland) kicked a stone at her which shut her up. She scowled and went on her business of munching at all the bushes and berries that she could find...these were daily events for Emery until one peculiar and rather unsettling day, something changed... (to be continued)

3. Fuck me I've really missed talking about films...I have watched so many since we talked last that i don't know where to i won't! I will start afresh with new releases as from today. The first one that i watched last night was "License to Wed" was a monday night so i needed something fluffy to watch, and fluffy it is's a rather nice comedy starring Robin Williams and Mandy Moore. Yes Robin Williams pulls the old faces and mannerisms but the part of Father Jack really suits him and it turns out to be his best work in a long time. Mandy Moore brings style to the proceedings of this feel good film that is just right for a girls night in. The story isn't very taxing, Father Jack sets the couple a test before he will marry them to prove that they really do love each other, but the jokes are thick and fast and the supporting cast bring a whole lot of fun to the frothily light storyline. Its a 7/10 from Piddys Place.

4. Alison Moyet is a goddess...just check out the new album which has just been released called 'The Turn'...its so so wonderful...which is more than I can say for the feminist bleatings of Annie Lennox on her latest release...I really wanted to like it but the girl power thing just got a bit too much for me by the end of the album, it's pleasant enough but don't expect the genius that was 'Diva'

5. Russell Brand in 'Ponderland' ...Channel 4....genius :)

If you feel you would like to complain about the content or the style of writing please don't bother, as I'm really not interested what you fucking think or do with the stuff that i write...even if you print it off and use it as toilet paper, at least i have made one arsehole happy....ciao x