Sunday, October 30, 2005

Thank you !



Neil x

Friday, October 28, 2005

in the middle of the island of dreams...

hi all
another week goes by and it quickly speeds towards that awful fucking festive time of the year when people gorge themselves on bird flu stricken bodies and over sweet chocolates that have never been near a cocoa plant in their lives. I may not really like xmas but i have pushed the boat out this year and go to the two major works do's which i don't normally attend...this year i have decided that i am going to have the bestest ever time at xmas, i may even wear a santa outfit and absail down the side of our 15 storey tower block. I don't know why I have got the urge to do this but we shall see what the consequences of this enjoyment forethought will be...

On the medical front I had blood test results this week and my doc was pretty positive about things such as 5.3 cholesterol level (which beats maries 5.6 whilst dosing herself on olivio spread!), liver function good and blood sugar levels acceptable. Still problems with the old tubes but am still waiting for consultant from local hospital to get in touch. It looks like I may be going the BUPA route because I phoned the secretary, of aforementioned consultant, today and found out that it may be 8 weeks before the appointment. I told the secretary about the private med insurance and she said "Oh well, in that case we could fit you in next week"...I shuddered and found it totally unacceptable that in this day and age its still only the money that talks. Okay so it will put me out of worry but i couldn't help thinking about the people unlucky enough not to have private insurance. I will ponder over this this evening and get back to you...

off to see 'Thunderbird 5' at the local pub tonight, a good rock covers band, so lots of singing and drinking is sure to go hand in hand...

hopefully we will have part 2 of steves story tomorrow but he has been away for the week in lovely Manchester, but i'm hoping for the best
peace and out
Neil x

Thursday, October 27, 2005

....splat!...splat!....splat!...but what was it?

If I do over the speed limit in this country odds are that I will get caught. Well that’s the official line, and judging by the number of speed cameras up and down the country it’s probably an odds on bet. In contrast in the land of the free you can drive for mile after mile without even the sniff of a speeding fine. According to all those movies that we are fed from America there is a law enforcement officer behind every road sign and in every lay by.

Actually talking of law enforcement I was listening to the radio the other day and as I was half listening to a show I heard some one give the reason that the police in this country are held in such high regard by the rest of the world. In this septet isle the jolly of bill are there to “uphold the peace”. Whereas in the states the police exist to “enforce the law”. It’s a subtle difference granted until you actually start to thing what it means. Go on just take a few minutes out and think it through. Ok now on we go. Well its just not true, just like the fact that the speed limit is 55mph. Actually the Americans have a much better system for organising there speeds than we do. This probably has something to do with the extra space that they have. This lets face it is a major reason that most get away with cruising at way over the speed limit all the time.

As I am sure you are all aware during September I was over in America on holiday and with the aid of Marie’s excellent map reading in the time we was there we covered nearly 3000 miles. 3000 miles and only one speed trap. 30 miles is about the limit from my front door before I get nicked by the fuzz. And not even a real man but one of those lets make money and pretend it’s in the name of safety Gatso things. So as with everything in the states it’s bigger. No man with a hairdryer oh no. They CH”i”Ps use a plane. And they don’t creep up on you either, for the 10 miles before you hit the trap there are signs everywhere. “Speed trap coming up” or “This speed restriction will be enforced”. So there really is no excuse not to slow down to avoid there fine. No points on your licence over there that might stop you driving and. If you can’t drive you can’t function. After all not having an accelerator pedal welded to your right foot is worse that having your cock chopped off in the eyes of most drivers. So if you’re daft enough to speed when the police almost plead with you not to I suppose you deserve the book thrown at you. As I said everything is bigger, the plane circles and picks out any cars going over the limit. For the duration of the trap there are police cars all along the shoulder. As soon as they get you description it’s you’re nicked and hand over the credit card. Simple efficient and typically American.
Matt x

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

...and in the distance all you could hear was 'splat'...

Hi All

Urgent help required from all my friends, can anyone suggest where I can obtain cheap car insurance.(may i suggest ?...blogmaster) My quote for this year comes in at just under £400, ok, so it includes protected no claims and breakdown cover(forgot I had this!), but surely at my age, with no convictions and I drive less than 5k a year it seems a little expensive. I have tried but I am reluctant to sign up with a company I have never heard of. Asking a lot I know, but suggestions from 40+ females, or men in the know, would be most welcome. Maybe we could do a mini survey, how much does your car insurance cost you?

By the time you read this I will have been ciggie free for 8 days and 9 hours. I'm feeling fantastic, and this time I really want to succeed. As Friday is fast approaching I am aware that the temptation maybe too much, but the vivid memory of smoking whilst wearing a nicotine patch is still firmly with me, so fingers crossed I remain on track.

Usually at this time of the year I begin to go into a deep depression, Christmas is fast approaching(it's only October and they have managed to erect the Xmas lights in town) I also hate the winter months, but this year seems different, why? I feel as if spring is just around the corner. Nothing in my life has changed, I'm still single(out of choice), but I am feeling great. Will the big low hit when I least expect it, or have the events of this year made me realise I am truely happy just being me, at long last I love me, just because I'm me! Probably talking a load of crap, but happy doing so. See you all Friday. Gx

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The return of the lisa!

Firstly apologies for not providing a blog last week but there was a lot going on in the job front but now I can put that behind me having passed with flying colours!

Well what a great week we had for blogs – sorry I have not commented on many but have only been able to read them and not make comments if you know what I mean

I have to say that the men seem to have raised their game and gave us some outstanding and quite brilliant reading Matt’s blog was a hoot and even in this day of PC gone mad I have to agree any country that can vote in GWB must be low in the gene pool of life.

Both Neil and Steve have left out palates wanting more both were brilliant and all of them hidden talents.

Neil’s reminisce about what if was brilliant and made me think about my life. When I left school I was sent on a YTS scheme and was very lucky my first placement was working in a Day care Centre with babies and young toddlers I would help out with playtime, toileting all the good bits. My second placement was working as a Clerk to the Justice in a Magistrates Court I loved this job very much and the boss at the time had told the lady who ran the YTS scheme that I attended that he was very keen to keep me on. But my life took another turn my parents had brought a bakery shop and house in the beautiful village of Buckden. My parents wanted me to help them run the shop and this is where my life changed my life may have been so much different had I not gone to work for my parents. I would have probably stayed working in the Magistrates Court and would probably never have moved to Bedford or ended up in the direction that I went. I certainly would not have met my ex and who knows maybe I would have been married with kids!

Do I have regrets about the path my life took No I always think there is a reason behind it and I would not have met all the people I know and love now. I love my life yes sometimes I have the odd pang of wanting to share a moment with someone special but my life seems too full sometimes to fit me into it! I know that some would say that I fill my life up to compensate for what I don’t have but at the moment I love just being ME!

Lisa x

Monday, October 24, 2005

My Kingdom...Part 2

..."Harsh words from a young man" retorted Simon, laughing and curling himself up into an embryonic ball. "I just have a feeling that everything is going to work out fine" I said softly to myself..."What was that Ruppet?", my thought trail being dragged from my subconcious, "Oh nothing" i blushed, and got to unpacking my suitcase that my mother had kindly packed with totally the wrong clothes.

"You should look like a young gentleman" she cried as her pasty and moist hands tried to hide her falling teardrops. "Oh mum, dont be soft, i'll only be a couple of hundred miles away and i'll ring you every week and I'll visit at half term, okay?" "You say that now but once you get in with your crowd, you wait and see, just like your father, full of empty'll leave me, just like that bastard did", mum was now wailing inconsolably and I decided that I had to go now while she was at her lowest point, only so it couldn't get any worse for her. As the taxi drove away I couldn't think of anything apart from my mums red dress being covered in a dark salty mess of tears...

"Snap to it you mad fucker" shouted Simon as he realised that i had relapsed into memoryville. Simon told me that we were going out to explore campus and score some weed, neither of these things filled me with the urge to go 'woo hoo' and turn somersault but i suppose its what had to be done. We both changed into some trendy boho rags and walked into the psychedelic blackness of the university at night.

BIG signs everywhere and I mean BIG. 'BAR THIS WAY', 'SHITFACED?, YOU WILL BE, BAR THIS WAY' and so on and so on, you know how it goes. We turned the appropriate corner and were blasted by a torrent of sense, noise, taste and smell. Simon looked around increduously and just shouted at the top of his voice, "YOU CAN SMELL ALL THE CUNT FROM HERE", at which point (as in many previously seen films) the music stopped just as he finished the last part of the sentence. To say that people glared was an understatement and by the looks of the 'friendly lesbians for jesus' stand a lot of praying was occuring. His moment of shame was short lived as the music restarted and people got involved 'in the moment' as such. At this point you may have realisedthat I suddenly became very disheartened with the words that came out of his mouth. I was shocked that I had been so naive as to even think that events in my life would fall in a natural and progressive order whereas all around me was randominity and chaos. I decided to say nothing and enjoy the evening as best I could. We mingled, we chatted, gathering half understood phrases from each conversation so by the end of the evening we had met many people but didn't know a single one. I should have played it differently, I should have shown more interest when Alex started talking about the Geophysics club and Mary had tried to coerce me to join the Plushies for pleasure club (people having sex, dressed in furry animal costumes) but because I wasn't sure what the hell she was on about I declined gracefully, if she had asked me thirty years later though the answer may have been different!

I kept an eye on Simon but gave him free reign to enjoy himself. I was determined not to become one of these little queens that followed their special friends around by their coat tails. Simon seemed to be doing okay and contradictory to what he had previously bellowed he seemed to be more of a 'mans man' in social circles. The evening got progressively more frantic with grammes of speed flying round as the cheap coke substitute that it was. I remember dancing to the 7 mins 40 secs version of New Orders Blue Monday (Arthur Baker remix) which seemed to only last 3 mins and 52 secs and it was at this point that I decided I needed my bed. Simon came over to me flinging his arms and shouting incoherent speed babble, talking at 140 miles an hour whilst sweating profusely like a human rainstorm. I took his arm and we walked off to halls, each carrying 8 pints of cider (internally), a bunch of blow and 4 wraps of speed. The walls of the halls were throwing themselves at us and trying to squeeze us of our skin moisture as we rebounded backwards and forwards. We finally reached the safe portal of door 2c and threw our bodies into the dark void in sleep, perchance to dream...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Literary Debut....

I am proud to present the beginning of a new piece by our own Steve M....enjoy...

The waves of the lake lapped the shorline ,gently rolling the pebbles over each other, it was a familiar sound that the two anglers had become used to on their many nightime fishing jaunts. Peter had just finished a eight year stint in the royal navy,he had served as a submariner on HMS Valiant and had seen action in the gulf war Escorting troop carriers through the straits of hormuz and on to Basra in southern iraq, he was a strong tempered guy who did not suffer fools gladly and was quick to put anyone in their place if the need arose.
Martin on the other hand had just let life slip past him since he had left school. He had drifted from one dead end job to another and from girlfriend to girlfriend, never being satisfied with what life dealt him. he is currently living wth Christine a girl he had met while on holiday in wales, Christine is a journalist for one of those in your face celebrity magazines and spends a lot of her time in london.
"how is the fire coming along" said Peter, who was casting his line into the dark pool that was copsewater lake.
"the fire is fine" replied Martin sarcastically, Peter was always ribbing him about his outdoor skills "you just make sure you don't lose any fish" he replied, tersely, they had been at the lake for three hours and not had a bite, although Martin was convinced that he had lost a "twenty pounder", Peter laid his rod on its rest and came to join Martin at the fire "do you fancy a beer" asked Peter, oh yes! said Martin eagerly, they sat in the moonlight discussing all things football and female as blokes do over a beer, the subject turned to Christine who had recently gone on a photography course at borchester university, Martin and Cristine had argued the night she left and had not spoken or been in contact since.
"So", said Peter, "how are things with you and Christine"
"not good" replied Martin.
"Are you still fighting?" asked Peter,
"no, 'cos we haven't spoke for two weeks" said Martin,sadly,
"c'mon Martin you've got to sort it out with her or you will lose her, mate."
The bite indicator on Peters rod suddenly PINGED! and made the two friends jump, Peter quickly grasped his rod and struck at what was eating the bait, A great splash broke the surface tension of the lake as Peters prey fought for freedom, After twenty minutes or so they manged to reel in the catch "wow!" said Martin "that is one big trout"
But peter was not celebrating he was just stood motionless on the shoreline staring at the catch on the end of his line.

the juices have just dried up but i think this could turn into a really good tale. Steve.x

Friday, October 21, 2005

Not a day goes by....

The title of todays blog is by the master of lyrics Stephen Sondheim and it really is all about peoples thought processes. A week has gone by and I've had time to reflect on a few things from the past. Using my current 'what if'? mentality I got to thinking about how things might have been different if my life had taken different routes..

what if i had carried on to college straight after school, would that have made me a different person? would i have been able to follow a more artistic path by mingling with all the bohemian folks that the college nurtured? would i now be a playwright or a screenplay writer or even a director?

what if I hadn't kissed a guy for the first time when i was 13, would things have turned out differently, would i be married with kids or would I have still turned out to be the sensitive queen that I ended up!

what if my father hadn't bought us back from living in South Africa, would I have turned into one of the white supremists that currently inhabit the underbelly of the country or would i still have fought against apartheid and marched for the release of Mandela?

what if i didn't turn away love as i do now just for pure selfish reasons, what if i let somebody invade my space, would i be living in a happy partnership or would i be in one of those fickle gay relationships that last a year or two and then you have to start again?

Is it worth thinking 'what if'? You have to ask yourself what it achieves..for me personally it has dragged up a myriad of unanswerable questions. Some people have said that you musn't dwell on the past, but if you don't how do you know where you have gone wrong and how can you look at changing things without reflective practice. In my life I have made many many mistakes, I'll admit to most! I've involved myself in ALL aspects of nightclub culture, I've had liasons with famous people just because i could but in those dim and distant days I was living for the moment. I lived my life in a hedonistic sense not caring about consequences and impact...until now..... now I have become a house cat, content to lounge in jog pants with a tub of Ben and Jerrys and a bottle of wine, sometimes wallowing in self pity at low points but on the other hand sharing hysterical laughter with friends and confidentes. Where do i go now, something is missing from my it a person or is it something as materialistic as a 'thing' that i don't own. Am i looking for something spiritual?, i don't know...I've explored many aspects of new age living relying on being guided by fantastic tales of Buddha or mystical tales of Knights Templars but what is the answer....I hope to God someone can tell me........

Part 2 of 'My Kingdom' will appear on Monday.

Tomorrow night is Robbie Williams night, live from Berlin on Channel 4 and I shall be sharing this moment with my guiding light Lisa. Congratualtions on the new album Robbie if you are reading's a masterpiece!

Tomorrow I will be presenting part 1 of a story written by our Steve...I really can't wait for you to read it...until then
peace and out...Neil x

Thursday, October 20, 2005

California Dreamin'......

Its official there are retards in California, and I am not talking about the governator.
Towards the end of the holiday heading back to LA driving along the Big Sur there comes a time when nature take over and you have to stop. The Big Sur for those who do not know is the name given to the piece of coast between Carmel and Los Angeles. It has one of the most fantastic roads running through it I have ever driven along. Mile after mile of twisting coast road that goes from sea level to a couple of thousand feet in the space of a mile or two. With the wind in our hair well the windows down and some suitable loud rock music on the CD player life really was as good as it gets.

But all good things have to come to an end after about two hundred miles of twists and turns the road turns inland before LA and you are on another interstate. That’s when nature called and we needed to rest as the Americans say at one of California’s finest rest stops. Now unlike the motorway services in the UK the Americans have developed a different system. At regular intervals you can pull of the interstate at any number of eateries. The selection is good the food plentiful and fresh. Actually whilst I am on about food to go, why we did get McDonalds over hear. In the US they are the lowest of the chains, the shit end of the fast food pool, the last resort when nothing else is available. Which is rare because there always is something else to choose? There are no end of small one man diners all who produce nice stuff. And lets not get on to customer service. Its only when you go abroad that you see how naff some countries are at some things. And customer service is one of them for us. Despite trying to change the culture with training and year and year of talking it up I am beginning to think that it’s just not in our national conscience to help people.

So back to the story. If you just need a quick rest there are also places that cater for that as well. These are large areas with parking and room to stretch you legs. Plus a couple of vending machines for sodie pop. There is also a toilet block with real people on site to maintain order and cleanliness. Lots of people just carry food around and use the picnic areas. These rest areas are the responsibility of the state there in. They employ the people who maintain and replenish the machines and tend to the grass cutting and litter picking on the land. It’s not an overly taxing job and I bet it pays somewhere near the minimum wage. Anyway in California someone has had the great idea to employ some of the more disadvantaged of society.

Now needing a leak puts you in a fairly one track frame of mind when you get out of the car. So signs and info just passed me buy until the matter in hand (No pun intended) has been dealt with. On my way back to the car fully rested I came across the sign telling anyone who was able to read all about the rest spot I had just frequented. Welcome to Bla bla bla rest area it said. Then I read on. 'This facility is officially run and maintained for the state of California by retards.' I nearly fell over. Mind you I should not have been surprised. This is the country that has parking bays in shopping malls marked Cripple Parking. As I said it’s not till you go abroad you realise how naff some countries are at something’s.
Matt x

Monday, October 17, 2005

My Kingdom...Part 1

I awoke to the sound of church bells and peacocks and thought about the one person in my life that used to keep me sane and relevant. Simon was a guy of great understanding and he wallowed in the beauty of everything that surrounded him. His papers on the great philosophers always sounded a lot more interesting when uttered from his mouth. I used to watch the lines of his lips as he caressed the difficult surnames over and over again in an oral explosion of education and theory. Simon was an interesting catch and boy I was happy on the day that he took my bait...but that was a long time ago. Letters shared and filed, conversations recorded on a now fading memory like the grooves of an old 78 record hissing and slowly dying...dying...there was a word that had caused emotional turmoil, a word that in 5 letters can cause a moments stopping of the heart, a well of water dripping down from an eye gland or a fall to the knees as if kicked by the giant imaginary rabbit that used to be your friend...

The University doors opened on freshers day to welcome us on our impending voyage to adulthood. The days spent here would decide which social category we would fall in, which industry would welcome us with open arms and which sexual gender classification we would finally fall into. Confusion reigned as we surveyed the landscape of dillapidated early 70's architecture mixed with a frisson of art student decor and design, the fragrance of the caretakers polish reminding us of home comforts such as detention and parading about in your underwear in front of the obviously bent gamesmaster. The gamesmaster knew he could rely on me for a good show, something that might have got him a prison scentence today but something that gave me my first experience of involuntary erection, a trick that made the girls blush and the boys laugh and taunt. Now I would be happy with just one friend, a person I could communicate with on the same level, someone who realised that their sexuality might be offensive to some, someone who I wouldn't have to fear if I confided with them. We lined up awaiting allocation to the halls...this scared me, i was so used to my own company and now I would have to share 3 years of life with a person whom i did not know or really had any interest in knowing. As we all stood there it was like being singled out by the nit nurse at infants..."Justin Ruppet, come out to the front of the class please"...those words engraved in my psyche manifesting itself as an abhorrent fear of plastic combs. That was me, Justin Ruppet, now a helpless victim of the system awaiting his compadre in study.
"Justin....Justin Ruppet?"...I snapped out of memoryville and looked at the awaiting student body head..."yes, i'm here"..."Room will be sharing with...", this was it, the final declaration..."Simon Morning". First thoughts, what do i say to him "Morning morning?"...god i was helpless. Out from the crowd stepped Simon, his smile melted my fear like a match to an ice cube. Simon Morning, obviously middle class, wolverine eyes, designer clothing, carrying a copy of Proust looked over and just mouthed two words "Lets go"...we strode off in silence, me slightly behind wanting to be aware of Simons every muscular movement. He hid it well if he knew I was eyeing him up and just turned around ocassionally to see if I was still following. We took our cases up to the first floor of the halls and I took the lead in slowly opening the door to our new home.
Simon took the bed by the window, it was a fairly large room with two good sized desks, its own toilet but that was it... a spartan sea of council magnolia without a hint of testosterone led decor. We looked at each other and laughed. Simon took his jacket off and threw himself onto the chosen bed, springs and metal bedstead grated with each other and let out a scream of industrial madness. "Fuck" I shouted, and i realised emabarrassingly that this was the first word I had spoken to the guy that now shared my life, but it seemed oh so relevant...

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Time out with Steve...

interesting day off on thursday, firstly i had a problem with the air con in the car, so i popped the car round to a local electrics garage, where the problem was quickly found, the air con/heater resister had burnt out!, so i said that i would have a look on the internet for a cheap replacement, after looking at a few sites i realised that it was not going to be cheap, so in the end i went to the local fiat dealerships parts department, taking the broken resister with me, the spares dept. guy looked at the resister and just by the way he sucked in the air i knew i was in for a bit of a shock, i said should i sit down for this, he was busily typing on his computer and came back with a price and what a price, namely £101.86, so after i got up off the floor i reluctantly handed over my flexible friend and left feeling a little sick. so that was my morning taken up nicely (not), i suppose i could have had a decent day out for that price!.
on a happier note i went to the livingstone lower school harvest festival in the afternoon, it was great to see edward joining in with all the singing and poetry reading, he had really been looking forward to it and had worked very hard learning his lines, so i thought i would share his class' poem with you.

Onions and mushrooms,
potatoes for chips,
tomatoes, bananas and
apples with pips;

Stick beans and broad beans
and beans in a tin,
blackcurrants so juicy
they run down your chin;

Cornflakes for breakfast
and mangoes for tea,
Come to our harvest
and give thanks with me.

after the singing and poetry, the children came round with buckets for a collection, all proceeds of which were being donated to the south asian earthquake appeal and by the look of things they had collected quite a lot, as one little boy need help to carry his bucket!!
Off to the end of season cricket dinner tonight (friday) and hopefully i should get another trophy for my bowling performances this year, as i had quite a good season with the ball taking 31 wickets at an average of 17.23, i won't get one for batting this year but i did improve on last years performance scoring 501 runs this year including one fifty and three scores in the high forty's so i am quite happy wth the batting this year.

i thought we might have a music quiz to finish just for fun, its name that tune from the first line of a song!!

1. back when i was young and they were talking at me!
2. ever since i was a young boy i played the silver ball!
3.i was born under a bad sign! my life in this cold hell!
5.i'm in the phone booth it's the one across the hall!
6is it getting better?or do you feel the same? after day love turns grey, like the skin of a dying man!
8. teenage dreams so hard to beat
9.she's got eyes of the bluest skies as if they thought of rain
10.this romeo is bleeding but you can't see his blood!

Friday, October 14, 2005

bodybuilders and new literature...

Last night i saw one of the most disturbing tv programmes for a while...'Supersize she' was about a female body builder (joanna thomas) who was on a quest to win a big las vegas competition...i have never seen anything like it, she had the voice of a man and was the most disgusting vision of womanhood. She starved herself for 5 months on a protein shake diet so that she could burn off all the fat so she was just sinew and muscle. Amazingly (and this is something i didn't know) the contestants at their prime showing ability are the weakest people in the world and just to walk is sometimes a great effort. Her parents were urging her on and the woman just had no life outside of the body building circuit...what extremes can people go to to achieve perfection in their own eyes...

'I woke up to the sound of church bells and peacocks and thought about the one person in my life that used to keep me sane and relevant. Simon was a guy of great understanding and he wallowed in the beauty of everything that surrounded him. His papers on the great philosophers always sounded a lot more interesting when uttered from his mouth. I used to watch the lines of his lips as he caressed the difficult surnames over and over again in an oral explosion of education and theory. Simon was an interesting catch and boy I was happy on the day that he took my bait...but that was a long time ago. Letters shared and filed, conversations recorded on a now fading memory like the grooves of an old 78 record hissing and slowly dying...dying...there was a word that had caused emotional turmoil, a word that in 5 letters can cause a moments stopping of the heart, a well of water dripping down from an eye gland or a fall to the knees as if kicked by the giant imaginary rabbit that used to be your friend...'

Extract above just an idea that came to me...shall i carry on?..its up to decide.

Living life to the norm tonight with a visit to my special place ' The Wellington Arms' , god bless it and all who sail in it.

Neil x

More from steve tommorow....

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Is 'intrinsic' the best word in the world?

At the end of last weeks little ditty I ended by saying that I was going to revisit an old favourite. Yep the jog pant is back on the agenda just like nuclear power really. Tried it, thought it was the dogs bollocks, was told there was an alternative, became unfashionable, then everyone realises there is no alternative.

But with time and the application of technology the humble jog pant/house pant has evolved. With new man made fibre and designs, it is set to stride across the twenty-first century leaving all in its wake. Let me elucidate my son, him of the Laptop and the long hair has this pair of trousers that I thought were the perfect job for travelling long haul on a plane. There the sort of thing that you can get in outdoor shops for walking across the moors or in Next if you just want to walk across the road. They are made from a man made fibre that breaths and is slightly elastic. They have an elasticised waste essential criteria for jog pants and side pockets to put everything from your passport to Worthers originals in. But the best bit is they have a zip just below the knee so you can remove the bottom half. (I can see you’re sold on the idea already)This turns them into a sort of long shorts if you get my drift. There brilliant and 100% jog pant. Ok now I had to have a pair for the trip so I could unzip at the other end when the sun is hot but have them long on the cool early morning on the way to the airport.

Rant coming up. What the fuck is up with this place (Britain) it’s the last half of August when I saw these wonder jog pants. So I go into my local town to find a pair of similar. The sun is beating down and everybody is in summer holiday mood. Except the shops, who have decided to put out the winter stock? FUCK>I don’t want to look at long coats I am off on holiday in two weeks. Its like the chemist shops do they not think that people like to go away in the winter to somewhere hot? To get away from the miserable cold dark days and enjoy time in the sun. Have you tried to get sun tan cream out of the summer? BASTARDS
Rant over back to buying 21st century jog pants. In the end I found a pair that fitted the bill. I had to go in the end to Primark (In another town needing a special journey) great shop and it shows you do not need to charge a fortune to give the consumer what they want. So there I was all set zipped jog pants and a long trip to do. At this point I thought it might be a good idea to try these wonder pants on. All ok so far then I thought it might be good to unzip the bottoms. Well I thought I looked quite good if you must know. Ok so my legs are quite white and the socks were wrong but in my defence I was just trying them out. Ok I will admit that what a 16 year old can get away with is not always going to work for his dad. And after all this the wife was less polite and laid it on the line in plain words (she is from up north). Am I a man or a mouse? Did I buy them will I listen and be told what to do no I am an idiot.

It was half way through the plane journey that I got up to go the loo. Whilst on the subject of airplane loos how does anyone manage to get to be a member of the mile high club.(Before you Email I know what to do just in that space ?????) There so small. I bet that if you tried to get more than one person in there regardless of the position someone’s arse would be sticking out and on view. Mind you it is probably better to look at than some of the movies that get put on. Go on next time you are in the loo of a plane try and work it out. Anyway there I was as I sat down I noticed that the seam had gone in the trousers. Thank god they had a lining otherwise, well that’s probably illegal in California as well. So its jeans again to travel in for me.
Matt x

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

tasty morsels of Gx energy...

New job started last week, that means no more getting up at 04.45, life should be easy, but I am finding it really difficult to try and establish a routine. Monday, I was late dropping 7yr old off, late for work and late getting home. Tuesday, it was the opposite, early dropping off, early for work and then an early finish(not complaining about that). Help required on how to organise myself now I'm working normal hours! Must be getting used to "normal" hours, managed to oversleep this Monday, I will, in future set my alarm clock.

I need to have a little moan about an energy supplier. For the past 4 years they have insisted on sending mum an estimated bill(every quarter) for a gas supply she does not use. After numerous phone calls during this time to try and stop these bills, I have finally flipped and emailed a complaint. I had to smile when I visited their website, it said "we are pleased to announce that we are the proud winners of the 2004 National Customer Service Award for e-commerce customer service, for our paperless billing solution". Maybe they should spread this news throughout the organisation, I'm hoping other departments to follow their lead. They also promised a quick response to my complaint, 5 days later and I'm still waiting.

I haven't talked about men/relationships for a while so I here goes. For the past 9+ months I have been friends with a really nice chap, he's single, solvent and in his early 40's, not bad looking and is a real gent. From the start he said he wanted to date me, great, very flattered, but not interested................why, oh bloody why! He has been my rock throughout this year, he phones, texts, does all the right things at the right time, makes me laugh, brightens up a dull day(not having many of those lately), and is just perfect in every way, so why do I just want to be friends? (help needed from wise old friends) I once thought I had a barrier, that stopped me wanting to get close to anyone, but I have realised that this is not the case, there is no barrier, maybe I am just very selfish and lazy, not wanting to consider others. Honest reply's/thoughts would be most welcome.

Well that's about it for this week, I had thought about including some other stuff but Sharon has made me stop and think about how much of my life I should post on here.

Lastly(and you may wish to exclude this, Neil) thanks for sharing the holiday secret with me, my lips are sealed(that's until I have had a pint or two), but I'm afraid the mind is in overdrive, occassionally an image just pops into my head and really makes me smile! Be happy, Gx

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

A doctors tale...

Well there i was sat in front of my friendly doctor trying to cram everything I wanted to say in my government alloted 8 minutes per patient and after filling him with gory details (which i will spare you lovely folk) he looked at me sternly and said ..."Neil, I am going to refer you to the chap that deals with Bowel Cancer at South Wing Hospital." At this point, please do not freak out, it's not been confirmed but is pointing in that general direction...Michael my doctor has always been honest and upfront with me and basically knows that I can deal with medical stuff in a factual and calm way but this really threw me... I started to wonder why I hadn't gone to the doctors sooner, always thinking about other people and work (you know how it goes)...he then threw in that what i thought was asthma was actually my heart probably not responding to the meds anymore that i have been on for the last few here we go again, emergency blood tests, visits to the hospital, visits to the doctor on a never ending wheel of the NHS Carousel.

I got home and was a bit deflated but threw myself back into work mode, I couldn't help thinking 'what if?' all afternoon though, what if i have got cancer, what if this is me facing my mortality?...hey, you know what though..when i get through having things shoved up my arse and down my throat and find its not the answer i really want, i don't know how i will react. It could be something embarrassingly familiar such as piles (not the right symptons though), it could be just inflamation of the bowel or any number of things, lets hope for the best. I hope people don't mind me sharing this with them but its a scary situation to deal with by yourself. I told Lisa and Martin but i could see in their eyes that it may be a situation that they might not be able to deal with...but I have to get through now whatever the big guy wants to throw at me.

Blood test tommorow, back to docs on Monday week and perhaps a letter from the hospital consultant in the mean time...I wil keep you informed (if you don't mind?)
love to all


Relationships now this is something that always stirs up a whole pile of issues but its something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. For some of us that are single we spend a lifetime trying to find the perfect or no so perfect partner to share the good times and the bad. To come home from work and have arms wrapped around you without you having to say a word can make the crappy day you may have been having disappear. It’s all those thoughtful things that pass between you both without words being said and done because you love that person.

Where am I going with this well I have seen over the past few weeks a couple that are soul mates that have been together since they were teenagers have just split up – they have children and it started very amicable he was going to stay at home and look after the kids around his work and she would have them at weekends, they were going to live under the same roof but in a matter of weeks it was so obvious that this was not going to work its strange how a couple who were in love so much a few months ago can rapidly spiral to strangers.

Everything discussed how now become a big issue and everything that was discussed and agreed has now been turned around and used against the other. It can be so hard when you are trying to be impartial when you love them both equally, and to not say or do something that will pee one or the other off. I know friends who have been through divorce, break-ups and moved on to find love and happiness with someone else, some are happier bringing up their children on their own. But it still makes me sad when something breaks and cant be fixed. No amount of words can help stop the pain that is felt by both parties in different ways but in the words of James Blunt………….

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won
.So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry,
I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

This is dedicated to you both with love x

`Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly`

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Monday, October 10, 2005

two lips from hamster jam...

better late than never thats what i say.
day two soon arrived on our amsterdam trip but when we awoke it seemed to be late afternoon!!, not to be disheartened we made our way to a local flea market at the waterlooplien it seemed to be offering anything for sale from designer clothes to porno videos, i personally opted to go for some silver rings, a rather distressed leather jacket and some new boots, john on the other hand went for the porn and tony went for designer clothes and small antique things. we then decided to get a bit of culture and went to a museum but on the way we found an alternative option, the hash museum it was choc a block with every kind of weed you could imagine also all the different gizmo's you can use to smoke the stuff aswell, but what i found most interesting was all the things people would use to smuggle dope in like fake drinks cans and deodourant sprays and lighters. then we went really highbrow and took in the sex museum and was nearly sick when we went in the STD section otherwise it was quite a good laugh. after this we found a bar which was run by an american lady we stayed for a few pints of amstel and played pool with some ex pats who were out on the lash having just finished work, i got talking to a chap at the bar( who was yet another american) about his tattos as he was covered in them and somehow while we were talking i knocked his drink over him, i was totally apologetic and offered to by him another but he declined and left saying "oh man i look like i pissed my pants" the evening was taken up with a walk through the red light area taking in some coffee shops like my way , prix d'ami and fancy free to name but a few and we finished the night off at sheba next to our hotel.
we got up early the next day as we had to check out of the hotel so we just hung around in Dam square for most of the day watching the street performers and feeding the pidgeons, did see one funny thing though, this bin wagon was reversing down a street which was quite narrow and had lots of bicycles along one side and to get out of the street he just crushed about twelve bikes we were in stitches looking at this the driver just looked at us and shrugged his shoulders!.
our bus was due to leave at 430 in the afternoon and as was only 1130 am i suggested that we go and get some food but the others were not bothered and just wanted to sit at the bus stop so off i went on my own to a pizza place and had lunch, afterwards i decided to go to the cinema to pass on an hour or two half way through the film there was an intermission and onto the stage to my astonishment arrived these two naked women with vibrators and proceeded to pleasure themselves and each other for about thirty minutes, i just could not believe my eyes, the film then came back on. when it was over i made my way back to the bus stop where the bus had arrived early and tony and john were already on board, the driver, who by the way was a distant relative of adolf hitler proclaimed there will be no drinking or smoking or anything illegal on my bus anybody who breaks this rule will be asked to leave the bus, so we were in for a great trip home, we stopped at a service station on the belgian dutch border and everyone got off for a smoke, driver said "five minutes and the bus will leave and if you are not on board you will be left behind" so we all got back on as soon as we had finished our cigs, when we get back to blighty and go through customs yours truly gets stopped and asked if i had anything to declare to which i said "no" they did not believe me so they searched my bag and found no contraband still not satisfied they ask me into a private room and ask if they could search my clothes i said ok so they take my jacket and look through all the pockets same with my jeans,shoes and socks but they found nothing because i did not have anything, at victoria in london while waiting for our connection john was stopped by the police and searched but to no avail, tony was the only one not to get stopped, all in all a very short and tiring trip but it certainly was an adventure!!!!!. see you later steve....x

Sunday, October 09, 2005

enough beer to waggle a widget at...

Oh there was so much spiring and tapping the other day at the corn exchange...for those not in the know it's what you do when you get a barrell of cask ale ready, so when myself and Dr Sensual went off to the beer festival we were already in a pre beer frenzy as to the delights that were to follow...

I've lost my catalogue now so I can't remember the exact ales names of the copious amount that we tried...I had two favourites of the day which were Haymaker and the Cherry beer in the foreign bar upstairs. Kriek as it is known was just sublime and it went down far too easily. Hint for a xmas present....some lovely bottles of kriek lol. Steve enjoyed himself and as we took it quite slowly in the eight hours that we were there we were just slightly numbed on leaving. We spent most of the day taking the piss out of the Camra people who you could tell a mile off, the women having beer bellies and the men all having long hair and notepads for anorak comparison. Its a great day out, we caught up with friends nicola and chris and saw many many work colleagues after their hard days graft! (we were sensible and took the whole day off). I hope to see a bigger gang there next year...oh...and you get a nice glass too!

I have just been inspired to get creative again having just watched the new film version of Dennis Potters 'The Singing Detective' was a great version with Rob Lowe as the magnificent lead role, Katie Holmes as the young nurse who greases his penis and an unrecognisable Mel Gibson as the cookie psychoanalyst. They played around with the period of the film and transposed the original 30's music used in the tv series to american 1950's rock and roll but it worked really well. Dennis Potter actually wrote the film screenplay and had plans to do this before he died. Dennis Potter would have been proud. Writing like this really inspires me and panders to my off the wall creative style. Just have to get my head round a really good idea now though as my Jungle Island story idea has been stolen by the 'Lost' team...I thought that was dead strange that how my story was going to progress really had similar ideas to what 'Lost' has achieved.

Talking of 'Lost' I have just finished watching the whole of the first series today and if you are watching it the series just builds and builds to a shocking climax cliffhanger that leads to series 2...can't wait!

hope you have all had a nice weekend..its all over too too quickly though!...Ciao

Friday, October 07, 2005

a message from dysfunctional land..

I received the following email from my sister this morning...I will not comment on it as i am grown up! lol...

"Thanks for that comment N really shows how grown up you are, being as you never get in touch anyway unless you want something , I dont think it really matters either way , but as I put it if what you wrote was tongue in cheek (then say so!) (no it wasn't...end of) and meant to be funny then fine (as proven by me not everyone reads things in the way you expect them too) but if you want to take the hump at everything that is said to you about your jottings then go ahead.

As your website is open to everyone to view which is why I am concerned at some of the things you all say on there particularly about family, then you should be aware of that, I personally dont like people commenting on how I live my life!
(This is written by the woman who told me to write about my ex brother in laws deeds so the whole world would know what he had done!)Unless its family within four walls and not people I have never met before. ( I asked a couple of work colleagues to see if they could find it without me giving them the address and they could. And their view was the same some of your comments on your site are very borderline!)

Yes your sister is a stuffy old cow but over the past 3 years too many people have had a say in what goes on in my world and I am temperamental as to who now knows whats going on in it. Just because I find I have made a new friend all be it my husbands ex its not up to you to comment lots of people find themselves in the same situation. You have all your buddies around you not all of us are so lucky and perhaps its time you started acting your age and taking responsibility for your own life before commenting on everyone elses we dont all live in a perfect world. Example if you are paying all that money out for diet treatment then I feel very sad for you there is far better things you could spend that money on, if you have that much to spare and I wish I did give it to charity it would do far more good.

By the way its your nephews 18 birthday tomorrow dont suppose you remembered that either.

I wont bother you again as you are far to busy in your world! And please do not use this as an excuse to go into a rant or comment on your website because that really would not be very grown up of you, you can do that over a drink in the pub tonight when only your friends can hear and then you can slag of your big sister all you like. (
we talk about far more important things than that!)

As this is our last communication may I wish you merry christmas, happy new year, as I am sure I will now be off your christmas card list.

Sharon ."

Don't you just love family arguments!...heigh ho...but i would like to thank sharon for being very eloquent and for my first christmas greeting of the year.

Off to the beer festival with Steve now so I thought I would blog this now as I may have been more abusive later on!

Apologies to mum and dad if they read this but as i have said before, it's my life and i won't censor it. love to all


Thursday, October 06, 2005

Matts tales from the wild west....(not cornwall !)

Well hello and its nice to be back from the Wild West. Well Wild West coast of America anyway. And as promised I have many observations stories and general chat to pad out the next few weeks at the very least. So what to talk about first, ah yes the mad Brits and there obsession for walking. Hot news from the world of dubya Bush, the Americans are going to get fit. Its official it must be I heard it on “Regis and Kelly” the original Des and Mel only at breakfast.

The Surgeon general and his team have decided to get America moving, to lose weight and to improve heart function. Now we in blighty know all about this. Back at the beginning of the year there was a big campaign to get all us fat unhealthy types to walk 10000 steps per day. Now I am lucky my job sees me on my feet and moving all day, and I can get to 10000 with only a little effort. But I can understand that for some it’s much more of a challenge. Enter the American solution 2000 steps per day. 2000 that’s tiny, that’s so bad that I can do 2000 just pottering around at home before and after work. Think about it though if 2000 steps is an improvement on what has gone on before then God help them. Not so much a Super Power as a Super Sized power. Regis the anchor man on the breakfast show I was talking about is proudly going to lead a march in central park to get people to do an extra 500 steps. That’s like pottering around the house in your PJ’s before getting dressed.

Actually I think I might be being unfair. To read this you would think that America is full of overweight lethargic people stuffing burgers and coke (full fat) in there mouths. Its not, it has its fair share of lard arses (excuse me ?) but as a race they are all tall and this can give the impression of weight. There tall as a result of years of good nutrition. This means that I love it over there lots of tall people means as standard, cars have ample head and leg room. Beds are the right length (for me) etc etc. In fact at 6’3’’ tall I am at the lower end of the tall spectrum. 34’’leg length is the norm bliss. I think that at this point I should mention that there also lots of people who are very thin and have an unhealthy obsession with there body image. Lets face it Hollywood is where the face lift was invented and where looks count for all. Just try Venice or muscle beech in LA to see what I mean.

On a slightly different note but tied in I have to talk about “the pavements sorry” sidewalks in American towns. One particular incident springs to mind which will illustrate my point perfectly. We arrived in a smallish town called St George in Utah. I say smallish it was represented on the map by a small dot. And as we were driving towards it through hundreds of miles of desert we were wondering if it was just going to be a tent in the middle of an Indian reservation. As it turned out St George was nice and our overnight stop had all we needed. Pool, Air con, large bed etc. There was also just across the road an out of town shopping centre (the hotel was on the edge of the interstate). There was also some restaurants and bars in fact all the traveller needed to replenish the batteries.

So we thought quick walk across the road shop for stuff after all cloths are cheap and then on to eat and drink walk back and to bed. For the whole time we were walking up and down between shops not another person was on the side walk. During our 15 minute trot up the road I became aware that cars were slowing and people were looking at us in a strange way. The zip on my trousers was done up both the wife’s boobs were hidden so what could it be(they can stop traffic). Then it dawned as I said earlier we were the only people on the sidewalk not just then but ever. None of the people ever walked up the road to get a paper or down to the shops or just go for a walk. But the shops were full and nearly all open until late into the evening. Full of people spending there hard earned. Most would arrive at one end of the car park park up, shop then get back in the car and drive half way down, get out shop get back in and repeat the whole process. Now I walked from one end of the shops to the other in about 10 mins. Not that hard and on the flat. No wonder they can only manage 2000 steps a day. Next week the joy of flying in jog pants.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

cheese cheese cheese...

Hello all its me again – well I have to agree with Neil it seems like eons ago we were lying in the hot sun and waiting for the waves and admiring anything that looked remotely under 45 lol
Still the good thing about holidays are that you want more so I am sure that we will be jetting off again in the not too distant future for more sun sea sand and bar.

As my darling Neil filled in all the gaps from our holiday. I thought I would give you a blog that will make you laugh or cringe depending on your sex. While looking for my next holiday destination on the internet, I happened to stumble across a site which asked for men to send in their best chat up lines and then women could comment on them. So I thought I would list them in no particular order (sorry Gx it’s a list but when you read through it you can let me know if you have ever heard of any of these lol).

I have to say after reading through them, that I am surprised men ever end up with a date. I think a its more likely that they have a drink thrown at them or a black eye. Anyway let me know what you think – I am sure you will, normal transmission will return hopefully next week

Lisa xxxx

Smile and say ‘hello’
Do you believe in love at first sight…or shall I walk past again?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
You're like a parking ticket. You've got fine written all over you....
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
My bed is broken, can I use yours?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
HIM: "You look just like my first wife"HER: "How many times have you been married?"HIM: "Never".
"My friends over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"
"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"
Help the homeless – take me home with you.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Do I know you? (No.) That's a shame, I'd like to.
So, tell me about yourself; your dreams, your ambitions, your phone number.
Do you see my friend over there? (Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar). He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Guy: Are your parent’s terrorists?Girl: No, why?Guy: Because baby you're the BOMB!
Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here.
Those are nice jeans you have on... but you know they'd look even better crumpled up on the floor beside my bed.
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you
"Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!"
Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Hi I'm Mr Right, I've heard that you've looking for me...
"Do you like to dance? Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend? "
What are your measurements? I need them for the lotto as I know you're a winner and I want to be one too...
10 ton polar bear. If that doesn't break the ice, nothing will.
Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
Hi, my name’s Fred Flintstone, and I’m gonna make your Bedrock!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together.
My face is leaving in 10 minutes, you'd better be on it?
Was your father a thief? Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Legs is the word of the day. Let's go back to your place and spread the word.
Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?
Do you sleep on your stomach? Do you mind if I do?
You don't sweat much for a fat lass
'What do you eat for breakfast?'
Get your coat, you've pulled"
How do you like your eggs, boiled, fried or fertilised!
That's a nice dress, it would look even nicer on my bedroom floor"
Nice legs what time do they open
Hey is your name Gillette. Coz ur the best a man can get
'What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?’

lisa x

Monday, October 03, 2005


Hi all...really excited to say congratulations to my soul partner lisa who has managed to secure herself another lovely job today...champagne all round methinks!

what to write about today?...this weather is really getting me down since we returned from holiday, it's so grey and miserable...i always said when i was younger that at this time in my life i would not be living in England wrong could I be, i feel trapped here now when all i want to do is run off to the quickly developing Sinai coast and open a bar or manage a bar for someone with a bit of an investment quandry...really, the place is going to be huge in the next five years with all the major hotel chains building like there is no anyone reading this with an extra 30,000 to spare can send it my way..i'm fully trained with the British institute of Innkeepers and have Lisa who i'm sure would be a very reliable asset as they 'like em big' out there! (no offence meant!)...c'mon folks, let the money roll know you want to!

Have been watching 'Lost' like mad over the weekend now i am the proud owner of the complete series on's bloody marvellous and really well written...some suprising twists and turns going on in the it, you really must! this point though I am hoping that they are going to start solving some of the mysteries rather than keep adding to them ad infinitum...I am having a bit of trouble remembering the unsolved things from about 5 episodes about senior moments!

It's my Mums birthday today..the big 70..and i just wanted to publicly say how much she means to me and I don't think I would have got through life without listening to her advice and her patient talks when things got I love you and Happy Birthday x

The strangest of events is occuring, you remember I told you about my brother in law having a secret life and walking out on my sister...well...the bastard left the other woman that he was living with in Luton and now my sister and this woman have become really good surreal is that! turns out he told so many lies to this other woman, telling her that my sister was adopted and god knows what else that they now have some sort of weird affinity with each other...i always thought my sister was a bit odd but I shall wait to see what happens with great interest...i wonder how many more secret families my brother in law has...nobody knows where he is or i bovvered!

Lisa is kindly taking me to an appointment on Saturday which is at the new Sureslim wellness's a South African concept which deals with dieting on a 1 to 1 basis based on blood test results and a personal eating plan. It is expensive but once you have paid you can keep going to the 1 to 1 sessions until you reach your goal weight whereas with the other slimming clubs you keep paying and paying. I have been reading some of the internet forums and it seems to be really worthwhile with normal people losing a reported 30lbs in two months without starvation. No weird substances or potions, just healthy eating...sounds good to me...its just that handing over of 390 pounds that might hurt a bit ! I have to do something as 21 stones is not a good size for anybody...i will let you know how my free taster session goes...more soon

Neil x

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Back on track...some Steve moments

I was walking home from work the other day when i had got around the corner of the north end club i came upon four police constables arresting some drunk tramps, nothing unusual about that i thought until i got home and got the full story from claire, apparently one of the drunks was "female" and had decided to invent a new sport of TRAMP SHAGGING!!! which was taking place on the green by the clapham road roundabout and with it being schools out time there were lots of kids with mothers walking by putting their hands over their childrens eyes.

ooh, enough about that lot yuk!!!! Glad to see neil and lisa got home safely after what sounds like an excellent holiday,( just think you will now be able to swap stories with another colleague when she gets back from her trip), some people have no ideas of their own do they!!

talking of trips, i 'd like to tell you about my first trip to Amsterdam (by national express), we had to get the coach from outside the drill hall in ulverston at 06:00am bearing in mind that my two companions on this tip (Tony and John) and I had been getting into the dutch theme by drinking gallons of Grolsch for most of the previous evening
and were now convinced we could speak dutch!! and proceeded to talk what must have sounded total bollocks to everyone else, john was still drunk from the night before and decided to get something to eat from the kiosk at the bus stand, after this he spent the next fifteen minutes puking in a nearby public garden, we get on the coach and in true laddish fashion head for the back of the bus, but are stopped by a stewardess who said you cant sit there because thats where the shop will be, i said "shop!!!, its a fucking bus for godsake!!" anyway we had to find somwhere else to sit as she proceeded to fill the back of the coach with pop, crisps and sandwiches.
we got to london's victoria bus station at about 1:00pm and had to wait for an hour for the bus to Dover so we found a nice spot to sit as it was a nice day rolled a couple of joints and got stoned, after a while someone said "food" and we all agreed that we were starving so we went to a small cafe` and ate and ate and ate some more.
we arrived at dover after what seemed like an age had gone by at 21:30 and had to wait till 23:00 to board the ferry as we were on the midnight sailing to zeebrugge, so while we were waiting we went looking around the shops, we were approached by two men in uniform and were asked our names, addresses and where we were going?we said why?, they said that we fitted a discription they had of some french drug dealers!!! , i said well we are obviously not french are we? and they walked off still in search of their quarry.
we boarded the ferry at about 23:30 a little nervously as the ferry was the spirit of free enterprise, the sister ship of the ferry that had sunk at zeebrugge three weeks previously, and we could hear people saying, "oh, this is one of those roll on roll over ferries", it was quite surreal watching everyone run to the bow when we were leaving port to see if the bow doors had closed, we were not bothered though as we just sat on deck with spliffs in hand watching all the other ferries pass by lit up like christmas trees, after a while we decided to go inside and get something to eat and watch the film that was on (first blood) but we could not see much of the film as the screen was covered in subtitles in about ten languages, after a while we crashed out on the floor and slept for about three hours.
we arrived at zeebrugge at 06:00 cet and eventually got to amsterdam at 09:30 cet, as soon as we got off the bus we were confronted by a stoned American guy asking if we needed a place to stay, we said yes we do, he just said, follow me!, he led us to a small establishment called of all things "hotel croydon" it was next to a coffee shop called "sheba", we went in and looked around and we soon realised that he had brought us to a brothel, the rooms were ok and cheap £3.00 anight so we decided to stay as we did not have that much money. night time came and we decided to go out for something to eat we found a place called "the wall" an excellent place that was dedicated to pink floyd, we scored some blow and bought some space cake and space bon bons, we never left this place all night as the music was ace and basically could not walk very far if you know what i mean!! eventually we had to make our way back to the hotel, an interesting walk to say the least, half dressed ladies in shop windows, guys selling cocaine on street corners and the all night sex shops were an eye opener, as we got close to the hotel we bumped into the american bloke again he said do you like the hotel, we said its ok, then he tried to make us give him money for finding us digs we said fuck off!! and walked on by to a bar next door to our hotel, he followed us in, we were at the bar having a drink when this guy said you owe me fucking money, at this point the barman jumped over the bar and threw the bloke out saying dont bother my customers!,we had our drinks and went back to the hotel,
we did not get much sleep that night as the rooms upstairs were being used for "personal services" and some of the noises that were coming from them made you cringe.
as we couldn't sleep we told jokes and played guess the theme tune for what seemed like hours i can still remember the tune from hawaii five o was sung over and over. erm memory is getting a little blurry here so i'll finish here and think about it for next week!....................................steve..x

ba ba baba ba ba bababa ba!!!!!!!!!!!!