Thursday, March 31, 2005

I think you might know what this is... Posted by Hello

holidays in cambodia...

… as she had been voted ‘torture unit’ prefect for the year, jessica swanned off for her first lesson in ‘nails down a chalkboard’

This is the second time I have had to write this today due to this fucking website going tits up again…it probably won’t be as brilliant and as funny as the first attempt but I will give it a go…

Today I am heartbroken , dismayed, I feel cheap and used and really shit upon…do you know why, because Christopher ecclestone is quitting Dr Who after only 13 episodes…what does he think he’s fucking doing…does he not care about the viewing public, obviously nhot. I think it’s a money thing although he says that he doesn’t want to be typecast…?...what, as an ugly big nosed manc with floppy ears who can’t hack the pace…hmmm too late buster! Selfish selfish selfish Christopher…

Fascinating fact…further on from my writings about male prostate massaging, I was doing some research with Lisa and realised that the womans G Spot is in exactly the same place as the male prostate…so that’s it, it makes sense it’s a unisex area of pleasure to be explored by everyone…isn’t that just stunning!

Memories of Africa…I lived in Africa between the years of 1972-75 if I remember rightly? (my sis will tell me any different). We first landed at Cape Town where we spent 6 months while my father became settled in his place of work…I remember the water but I don’t remember beaches and swimming, why is that?, perhaps we didn’t swim..
I remember taking the cable car up to the top of table mountain, one of the most fabulous views in the world, and then being covered in a fine mist of cold cloud which was known as the tablecloth…I remember we were there for quite a while before we could get down again.
I remember taking the Blue Train across the Great Karoo desert to our next destination which was Johanesburg…I think the train took about 3 days in which time the only living thing we saw was an Ostrich…(to be continued)

Lets talk about Chubbies, gainers and feeders…I have recently been exploring the chubby chatrooms, a safe environment where fat men like me can be admired by what they call Chubby Chasers (slim guys) or Chub for Chubs, which speaks for itself. I discovered a strange underbelly whilst researching, I was messaged first of all by a young guy who was a gainer and wanted me to tell him what to eat to achieve my size, it was really weird being adored for my weight after years of my weight being a millstone round my neck and causing me many travels to the dark side of thought. I had a few messages from similar people, all wanting to meet me and talk to me about weight gaining, they also mentioned sex but that seemed to be an after thought to them…also there were a few guys who contacted me because they admired me for my looks but I wasn’t quite big enough for them, they wanted to wine me and dine me and dine me and dine me until I was the right size for them, some of them asked if they could have before and after shots of my stomach and bum and I found this really surreal and I thought it was quite sad the fact that there are people who would let themselves be abused in this way. I still talk in chubby land but I want to be the first guy that says he’s a reducer..hopefully…it’s a really strange world out there.

…Jessica was now bored of the ‘whistling in the ear’ class, so she nailed terrys testicles to the table instead…

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

in the still of the night...

... everyone in the temple looked around when rashid asked if there was any instruction in the koran on how to keep pigs...

Whats right with the world...

1 More gay marriages are legalised every day :-) (up yours anonymous wanker!) (see previous days comments)
2 More people are given the right to freedom of speech every day
3 women can ask guys out if they want to
4 Men can turn round and say no thank you without repercussions
5 more ice cream flavours are being developed every day
6 ?

and i have really struggled for anymore! lol....anyone have any suggestions?

Its been a quiet old world since easter, nothing much going on at all...I have been promised a guest blog by Robbie for next week as there was a slight breakdown in communications this week.

I understand that once again people had problems posting comments yesterday...i will see how it goes but if it doesn't improve i may have to move the blog to another provider. I hate to give you a bad service and i know how important it is for some of you to mouth off occasionally !

I saw an advert today that got me all nostalgic, can't remember the name of the album but it was a triple 1980's album with a lot of different 12" singles on it from supremists such as Spandau Ballet, ABC, Ultravox etc...its got that sort of university disco feel to it. My memories of the 80's consist of being a fairly famous south coast dj with a guy called hammy, we used to dj all the alternative student nights in Southampton, Portsmouth and Bournemouth and used to make a really pretty penny from it. I also had a platinum blonde flat top haircut at one point and walked around in wild paisley shirts with silver bootlace ties. I was in a band called 'Rupert hates Pooh' which only ever did 2 gigs but caused riots as people wanted to get into the 2nd one but couldn't. It was a great band, a cross between sigue sigue sputnik and the Men they couldn't hang!, the band consisted of Me and Terri (a darling girl called teresa) on vocals, two guys on sequenced keyboards, metal percussion (such as oil drums, old boilers etc..) with echo boxes attached to it and a doesn't that sound wild!...We released one cassette tape in an arty package called a 'pooh bag' (how very bloody art student!)...would love to hear your memories of the 80's, come on now don't be shy!

Just a quick big up to Morcheeba who have just bought out a new album which is absolutely amazing and well well well worth a listen peeps!

... Brenda the church verger knew her christianity was on the line when she accepted a booking for the church hall from Satan & sons Ltd...

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

an alternative ulcer!

...and so with one person being hung, the house wasn't so crowded anymore...

Whats wrong with the world...
1 There are not enough shops that stock ben and jerrys ice cream
2 they don't make nappies with built in floral fragrances
3 It is still unreasonable to be different
4 mens and womens fragrances cost about 40 times what they cost to make.
5 politicians can't agree with each other
6 there are still people with built in unchangable intolerance
7 there are still hidden food additives
8 there are people that can't see or won't see progress
9 there are too many mobility scooters
10 strawberries don't taste of strawberries anymore
11 winter has just become another part of autumn
12 there are still people who die for religious reasons
13 there is still greed
14 95% of the worlds wealth is managed by the 5% that are wealthiest
15 children aren't allowed to be children anymore
16 companies have slowed down aids research because of the amount of money that they make on exisiting medicines.
17 Tsunamis and earthquakes are becoming more frequent
18 dogs
19 there is still apartheid in south africa
20 most third world leaders live in palaces
21 there are still countries that won't drop the third world debt
22 people still cannot see the difference between art and pornography
23 the average person in the uk does not retire wealthy
24 the United States still insists on being the leader of the whole world
25 the British film industry is nowhere near funded enough
26 the price of basic food is too high
27 water companies can get away with increased charges every year when the amount of water being used doesn't change
28 Compact discs are about 4 times more expensive than they need to be
29 people now know too much about sex
30 the word 'cunt' is still shocking
31 there are still people that would kill someone because of their sexuality
32 english policeman have lost all approachability
33 too many people are frightened about the food they eat
34 'being on' is the excuse that women use to be bossy
35 its still frowned upon for a man to cry in public
36 competancy based interviews are bad things and should be obliterated
37 there are still too many people relying on other people to provide their living expenses
38 Roman Polanski is still not allowed to enter America
39 booking fees/charges should not even exist
40 the environment is slowly dying

...tulip turned on the steamer and regretted ever having applied for the job as a stripper...

soon..... Posted by Hello

Monday, March 28, 2005


hello all...just having a blog away day today...normal service will be resumed tomorrow...

enjoy the bank holiday x

Sunday, March 27, 2005

The Doctor and Rose... Posted by Hello

ooeeeoooo, eeeooooo, oo oo oo oo e oo

...Alice took a bite out of the little cake that said 'eat me' and was immediately muff dived by the awaiting pack of living playing cards...

All hail to the mighty writing of Russell T Davies and the magnificence that was the first episode of Dr Who 2005. I was nearly in tears, everything was just right, the characters, the special effects, the comedy and the music although i must say that the new theme is fantastic but it needed either more volume or beefiness in the opening credits...and the use of surround sound wasn't what it could have been...but all criticisms aside I shall gladly pay my license fee for another year..thank you BBC.

OOh its the big day today when Marie gets to see her punk heroes Stiff Little Fingers in Cambridge, they are taking Lisa and Steve with them...lets hope Lisa stays out of the mosh pit! Have fun guys and a good tip is that if your ears start bleeding its probably too loud!

Forgot to say that when we were in the pub the other night Eric the Landlord had a real ale on tap which was called 'Stuff the royal wedding' ale...great cartoon on the beer have to laugh!

Really enjoying Easter break, just mellowing and watching films that I needed to catch up on...yesterday I watched Baz Luhrman's (Strictly ballroom, romeo and juliet, moulin rouge) version of Puccini's 'La Boheme' as staged at the Sydney Opera House in was just magnificent, if you get chance to rent it please do...its all neon lit signs saying 'L'amour' and the transformation scene to the latin quarter is just awe can deffo see where the moulin rouge ideas came from. Of course its very sad so a box of tissues would be handy...

I think I have mentioned on these pages about the NIRAH aquatic life eden type project thing that will be built near Stewartby, well its happening and now the animal rights protestors are coming out in force. I have been on Nirah's website and have every faith in them creating a justifiable research establishment as well as a public exhibition space. The protestors are saying that the aqautic life will be experimented on etc.. this is what nirah says on their website...

1. NIRAH is not just there for the entertainment of the fee paying public, apart from playing a vital role in public education, NIRAH aims to help prevent species and habitats from slipping into extinction.
2. Apart from those animals needing special facilities, NIRAH will display all of its animals as openly as possible. Tours showing visitors ‘behind the scenes’ and quarantine areas, will allow them to see newly arrived animals and specialist breeding habitats.
3. To be truly effective for public and scientific education, researchers must be able to study actual living organisms.
4. Captive breeding needs extensive and realistic surroundings for the species concerned, which should be visible to all.
5. An understanding of the fragility of environments is vital in understanding why species are endangered.
6. Sadly some species have no habitat left in the wild; they need the provision of a safe, secure and stimulating home just to survive.
7. As a caring & responsible species, we cannot leave critically endangered species (some below their breeding population – threshold requirements) to their own devices and hope that they survive.

I say good on them, it will be an exciting project that i personally will look forward to visiting and i think its about time the whining 'lets keep animals fluffy' brigade shove it right up their arses and let people get on with saving the planet in a methodical and efficient way...

...after kissing frogs for a lot of years, davinia decided to concentrate on other types of aquatic life instead...

Saturday, March 26, 2005

The Goodsphere Revitalizer Posted by Hello

RRRRRingggg RRRRRingggg....Hello?

...Mindy decided to see what it was like to be rogered by a donkey but it didn't go down well with the parents and teachers at the university nativity play...

just a quick blog today due to easter festivities, plus i have a bit of a hangover!...had a really good night last night at The Wellington but nothing overly funny happened (well, nothing that i have remembered yet!)...spoke to Steves wife Claire on the phone and she sounds utterly charming and didn't mind at all at being asked if Steve was coming out to play!...oh and apologies to Steve for slapping his head alot! (you had to be there!)

Lisa was as lovely as ever and was resplendent in make up and nails by Piddy77!...Matthew and Marie were as fun as ever...its nice to have friends around you...but there was NO extension, it wasn't that busy and i really couldn't have drunk anymore but thats not the point! The evening finished with the 'regrettable in the morning' Chinese food and late night chat with Lisa.

Lisa was asking me about my Goodsphere that I had working in the lounge, its something i normally keep running in the bedroom and if you haven't seen it its great...its like an air washing machine...bad air goes in full of polutants, dust, mites etc and out gets blown moistured air full of essential oils...have a look here
its great for anyone with asthma and allergy problems, sinusitis etc and i wouldn't sleep without it...advert over! lol

Well enjoy the football later on England v somebody or other and I am now SO EXCITED about DR.WHO this had better be good otherwise you wait till tomorrows blog!

...Chav decided to watch himself in the mirrored glass while he was knocking one off but didn't realise that he had an audience on the other side of his office windows...

Friday, March 25, 2005

ha ha ha Posted by Hello

Eggs, Eggs, Eggs was'nt until the carpenter saw jesus up on the cross that he realised that the romans hadn't made him build a mast for a sailboat after all...

Oh ho ho's easter time and the bunnies are running wild, there are fountains of chocolate everywhere (which i can't eat, so fuck you all), and newsagents are rubbing their hands with glee in praise of St. Tin foil who covers cheap bits of chocolate to make them look reasurringly expensive. Children are running round the gardens on easter egg hunts, looking for those secret painted boiled eggs that contain the unformed embryos of fluffy little chicks, and lovers are gazing into each others eyes waiting expectedly for presents that will never come (because the newsagent never ordered enough fucking eggs) happy fucking easter and bollocks to it all...I have now decided to have these sweat bands and things re=embroidered to now say WDJD - what did jesus do? !

There is nothing worse than getting a boil on your scrotum (not that i have one at the moment, but i do have a distant memory...) and they just seem to pop up at the most inappropriate time, I remember I was on stage once playing the Kralahome (prime minister) in the King and I and I had to wear this sort of Sumo outfit and the day before we went on I had a huge boil come up on the top of my thigh nearly at the buttock area, no amount of concealer would hide it so there i was backstage with the poor old costume lady on her knees squeezing my buttock for all its worth to try and rid the area of poison, it actually burst about half an hour before curtain on opening night and we had to write in the script that i had been hit by a stray bullet just in case people were concerned about the mixture of blood and tissue plasma oozing down the leg. The scrotum story doesn't really need to be gone !

From my blog the other day a couple of people were curious about me walking to the balcony doors unclothed, but its okay the lounge is sunken into the roof so I can't be seen, not that i care anyway...I mean i used to be shy and would always be the last one into the showers so no one else would see etc etc....but when you go into hospital for an op and the doctor unveils your bottom half to 12 student doctors you tend to lose, a) a grip on reality and b) all sense of now I am quite happy to say that I parade at will and on request but nowhere where i can be arrested (except for when trousers fall off in a drunken stupour!)

I've already had a couple of right answers to the blog competition this week so keep them coming...

Its Easter pub night tonight and that means an extension, so if i survive I will be back you all

...and all that Jesus could think of in his final moments was 'well just one shag would have been nice...'

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Happy Easter. Posted by Hello

cock a hoop

...tessas mum tried to remove a condom from the protesting girls bedroom, she didn't think it was fair that her boyfriend was still attached to it...

The male equivalant to 'does my bum look big in this' is ' does my cock look good in this'...doesn't quite have the same ring, does it.

Hmm lets just quickly mention 'Christians who aren't', don't you just hate pious people who wish you gods blessing and a peaceful easter and then slag you off at the closing of the door. These people are evil and should be publicly stoned...or flayed for a bit at least...bastards

Oh dear its a dull day but pleasantly warmish...just dossing today and having a nice time not having to think about anything. Sat here listening to James Blunt album, its beautiful and well worthy of the praise being lavished on it...I really want a new Damien Rice album to listen to but thats a while off. If you remember I told you all that we went to see a band a while back called the 'DoMeBadThings', well the album is out now and is a great mix of rock metal funk..sort of scissors sisters on speed...remember you heard these names here first!

...and still no one has answered my Frodo question from yesterday...come on you lot, i want a proper answer!

I think I shall set an Easter quiz today which will go on till Tuesday...heres the question and its a music one...

Who composed and recorded the music to Martin Scorseses film 'Last temptation of Christ'

answers to by Tuesday morning please.

Today I came across a transvestite but unfortunately he wasn't very convincing, it turned out to be a guy i used to know who worked on Bedford gay switchboard. I was talking to him in the street and i could tell people were staring at us both. It made me feel really uncomfortable and to be honest i tried to get away as soon as i could...I have nothing against transvestites or gender reassignment but i feel awful now that he probably wanted to talk and i sort of turned away. What would anybody else have done? Just to give you an idea it was sort of a Emily from Little Britain moment but in more modern dress...over to you. snap, was the sound of jerry trying to free his jockstrap from the door of the shower cubicle he had just entered...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

my roof garden in summer (I wish!) Posted by Hello

somehow, somewhere, in summertime

...frederick untied his harness and told megan that he had done enough horseplay for today...

I woke up in a balmy afterglow sweat this morning (without the sex), the sun was shining gently through the window and birds were in chorus singing the humming song from Madame Butterfly, I walked unclothed through the flat and opened the balcony doors to the roof, a gentle breeze blew in and then for once and for all i decided it was spring. Its the first of my days off today and i feel so so long that will last is up to the weather!

Really good blog from Steve this week and hopefully we have robbie guesting for you next tuesday. I loved that bit about 'rodeo sex', that was a hoot!

I am going to do something for my sister now...Stephen Deane (my ex brother in law) is a cheating (shagging away from home whilst working away) lying bastard who now lives in Luton with a common old slut for a girlfriend. He doesn't pay any maintenance for his son (my fantastic and brainy nephew) and does not contact him. The guy is an idiot as I have always said and I doubt he has any bollocks because if he did he would have faced up to his responsibilities by now... thats that off my chest!

I finally got round to watching the last part of the lord of the rings today, aww it was very moving but can anyone tell me why Frodo had to get carted off on the death boat at the end?...I was a bit confused there...the battle was simply magnificent though, especially in 5.1 surround.

Wow, something really stiunned me today...a sex survey was done in the states and guess what one of the top things that straight males like their ladies to do to them during the deed is...wait for it...about 60% of the guys that they surveyed liked their girlfriends to insert a finger into their rectum and play around with the prostate area...i was quite shocked at that , especially from straight guys...dare i ask whether anyone has experience on the aforementioned...don't forget you can be anonymous if you want!

I really thought about getting the pool out on the roof today to start filling it up but i thought in the end that it was a bit enthusiastic and a couple more weeks wouldn't hurt. I will be having an evening roof pool party this year so watch out for further details on that.

I am toying with the idea of getting a cat but don't really know whether i could handle the smell of cat litter or the worry of wether the cat will jump off 15 storey high building...hmmm perhaps not! wasn't until pip was in mid air that he noticed there was no rip chord and realised his parachute jump was next week and he was only on the ryanair flight from Dublin to Luton...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

SLF ! Posted by Hello

is it unusual to slip on coconut milk?

...there were tears all round when the ugly ducking found out that everyone had been lying and he was just in fact a duck...

Its guest day today and may i give a warm hand of welcome to the northern element of our i give you stone cold steve..woo hoo! (i'm now having a day off writing so enjoy all)

Hello bloggettes & bloggers!!
Welcome to the guest blogg spot, I am a little nervous writing this after reading all the other guest bloggs ( all of which were superb and funny),so i have a lot to live up to, So lets kick off tonight with the fuckin' students who live next door I have been in my house now for a year the first six months were great, then one day, the students from "lets be loudmouthed bitches university" moved in and for the past six months I have had to put up with them throwing fag buts over the garden wall,playing football at 3am with a space hopper in the front street!! and ....the loudest shag noises you have ever heard. well i suppose the latter isn't so bad,I dont reaaly mind them having a party now and again (especially if they invite me ha!ha!)as long as they dont wake Edward up as that is a different sort of nightmare .......

joke time.....

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you wank,
do you think..

A. you need more time together
B.she is a fucking prude
C. she should have sat elsewhere on the bus.

Iheard of a new technique for having sex the other day, its called "rodeo sex" now what you do is, do everything that you would normally do but as your partner is reaching orgasm whisper someone elses name in thier ear and see how long you can stay on for!!!!

joke time.....

Statistics show that the most popular sexual position among married couples
is doggy style!
The husband sits and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead!!

I can't wait for easter sunday as i am off to see "stiff little fingers" at the junction in Cambridge with matt and marie should be great fun as i have not seen the band since i was at school and the bass player in the band is bruce foxton previously of "the jam",who were also a good band.

i seem to have developed wankers... sorry writers crampso i'll signoff now, hope you enjoyed the read, keep it moist, Steve.


(2 Days Later...)

after showing neil my piece (I beg your pardon?) , he was not impressed with the length of it, so
after intensive fluffing by my partner, i am endeavoring to make it longer!even though i thought size did not matter.

great night out on friday night with lisa,neil & myself, i now know all the ins and outs of "love eggs", bob's and the like as lisa was in full flow!! ( gushing like a verbal waterfall she was!)
i did not know you could get an orgasm at the checkouts in supermarkets, lisa!!!!.
i think we must have upset some people cos' they did not sit next to us very long,(obviously couldn't take the high brow conversations we were having),they would sit there a few minutes, then move to another table tutting to themselves (wankers)but we carried on regardless, it was great.

just another quick mention of the fuckin' students,saturday night they decided to have another party, but it seemed to have a wierd dress code, all you had to wear was a lacy top and no pants!!!!! great viewing but not for kids (as edward said "that lady has no pants on" at the top of his voice.)i said "ladies they are not" or words to that effect, all in all a good
weekend can't wait for the next one.

see you, steve.

Excellent stuff, thank you mate for entertaining us for a while...I just wanted to thank everyone for reading...yesterday I had 161 openings of my web page so that probably equates to about 120 reading it which is quite wild! The record for page viewings was February 3rd when the page was viewed 284 times, i think that might have had something to do with matts birthday pics!...anyway thanks again, if you could also click on the google ads or ad links when you arrive that would really help me out and get up the list on the search to you all...

...justin was embarrassed when his family all turned up in his class because they heard that he was talking about the theory of relativity...

Monday, March 21, 2005

even squirrels 'teabag' ! Posted by Hello

a tinkle in time does not save nine

...the producer looked around at the empty theatre and realised that they shouldn't have put the fat lady on stage in the first song...

Okay...flocculate a flocculent, isn't that a couple of great words, try using them in a sentence, doesn't it sound sexy! I have no idea what it means and i don't particularly want to spoil the illusion, but i have decided that flocculate will be the word of the day for today...

After retelling or recounting the car park story of the other night i reminisced about the slapping noises that were to be heard and it bought me back to an old favourite subject of mine...that of 'tea bagging', now i only heard about this while watching Graham Norton about 3 years ago, and for those of you who don't know 'tea bagging' is what they call the point when your bollocks slap against the other persons fanny/arse/forehead/chest etc...during an intimate moment. I don't know why its 'tea bagging', i think it was just a made up term by the gay glitterati just to give it a remember now (and try not to laugh) during the intimate moments when your partner starts tea means its getting good!...

I am practising a PMA work ethic at the moment...Positive Mental Attitude (and not Post Menstrual Anaemia as Steve put it!), I just feel that now when people moan or complain its a positive thing because we can help them to get the end result that they are after (and then call them miserable cunts under our breath)...well it works for me anyway!

Heard of a great thing happening in suburbia land...after the charity brunches and the bridge parties, a new form of wife swapping is taking place. Its not the old keys in a bowl job but now has to do with vibrating phones...all the ladies at the house put their respective mobiles on vibrate and discreetly place them in the lady garden area. They then put their telephone numbers in a bowl and the fellas get to choose a number, the fellas phone the number and the lady who squeals goes off with them to swappie heaven to enjoy all sorts of plushie things!...whatever next...

Hope you all had a good weekend...have been enjoying Casanova on BBC3, very bloody funny indeed and the guy that plays young Casanova is marvellous...if you haven't seen it watch out for it on BBC1 soon...its a very sumptuous affair!

...Mindy had just managed to fit Chavs other bollock in her mouth when the cabin crew told her that the mile high club was meant to take place in a toilet...

Sunday, March 20, 2005

thanks to lisa fdor this one! so cruel!  Posted by Hello

trancing away like a whirling dervish was only after adam was arrested that he realised metrosexual wasn't about having sex in the paris underground stations...

well its sunday and today i have woken up full of flemmy bits and i have blurry sight, now that can't be having trouble seeing the keys of the pc clearly so shall try my best to type away...

just watched 'Hotel Rwanda', a very good film about the 1993 massacres but not as shockingly graphic as it should have been. It was quite a hollywood film which was just that little bit too glossy for my liking. Well worth a watch though as a dvd rental. Also received my copy of 'Saw' yesterday, still a really good film and thats on the second viewing, its quite unbelievable that the whole film was made in 18 days, thats outstanding. I couldn't quite work out what was different about the so called 'uncut' version as it didn't have anything that i didn't remember after seeing it the first time!

After the warmth of yesterday (i think thats where the bug flew into my system), its now gone a bit drab but still fairly warm, lets hope it holds out for easter next week. Just keep thinking about holidays later in the year, I really don't want to wish the year away so quickly so i might have to find a little jaunt to go on for a week sometime soon...

I have 2 Moby tickets for the Carling Apollo in Brixton for sale at £30 each. If anyone is interested in coming with me and Lisa please let me know at my email addy. Should be a great gig. If nobody wants them i will be a greedy bastard and advertise them on ebay for double the price! (it's now sold out completely!)

Not up to much today, Sunday is normally quite a mellow day in the piddy household, no junk food, no booze...its my abstaining day! Have only got to work two days this week and then off for Easter for 6 whole days...woo hoo!

...chav was going into Mindy like a train until he saw the queue of other people waiting to get on the rowing machine...

Saturday, March 19, 2005

a boy george design... Posted by Hello

Who knew burnt toast is carcinogenic

... funny phrase sentence for sale or rent, please enquire within...

Hello all...first of all to the competition, congratulations go to Lisa from Bedford who correctly identified that the phrase was said by 'One armed man' from 'Twin Peaks'...the most wonderful piece of television ever....there will be a new competition on Monday...

We went out to the pub last night and after being thrown out at closing time we (lisa, steve and me) decided to walk to the KFC, as we walked past the Queen Street Car Park we heard some moaning noises and Steve thought that somebody might be hurt (as you do after 4 or 5 pints of Guiness) anyway on inspection the noises got louder and it turned out to be a couple shagging but it wasn't until we heard various slapping noises on thigh flesh that we finally this time lisa was pissing herself laughing and fun and frivolity was had by all...

Boy George was on the Jonathan Ross show last night and he was extremely funny as usual, he was there to talk about his clothing range which is great and really in the westwood punk tradition of clothing. Matt kindly sent me a link to the site

check it out and also listen to The Twin track whilst you are in the site.

I don't feel like being at all nasty today because the sun is shining through the mists and it's a lovely warm spring afternoon...i have been waiting for this moment since the end of last september as I am affected by the SAD syndrome and my mood has changed dramatically over the last couple of days...its hard to describe how it feels but its like crawling out of a huge grey hole and emerging into a world of colour. It seems to get worse every year but I can forget about that for another 7 months now...oh joy, 28weeks of freedom...

Just a quick hello to Robbie who is a new reader on the site...I hope to have a blog off Robbie in the next couple of weeks, but for now robbie...enjoy the freak show!

...funny phrase sentence for sale or rent, enquire within...

Friday, March 18, 2005

girlfriend in a coma

...Piggy was devestated when she saw the hand slide unceremoniously up kermits bottom...

Women should not be allowed to watch television if its going to change the way thay they are meant to be thinking...we came up with that mission statement in the office this afternoon...women have had it too good for too long, they should get back to basics and learn kitchen skills and husband/partner hosting. Its time for men to revolt and make sure that their women folk no longer have the freedom of choice to learn anything apart from domestic and social matters. Women are excellent housekeepers, there is no getting away from it but they have to re-learn how to enjoy domesticity and child minding. Thats enough said on that subject then...
Please note that these thoughts are not necessarily mine but stemmed from a conversation with some 'mens men' that i encountered...

Just a shorter blog today as it is pub night and suffice to say I have to get the old bits washed and the old glad rags out...thanks for all the comments of support while the comments page and the blog has been down...i do hate to let you all down...have we got any morre entries for this weeks competition please as I have one correct answer at the moment. I will leave it open till Saturday evening and then announce a winner...don't to forget to email your answer to

love ya!

..."no sarah,..'The liver birds' was not a documentary about meat packers in Cardington"...

sister and nephew with very evil furry things... Posted by Hello

Thursday, March 17, 2005

some girls are bigger than others

..."lop eared wanker"...shouted pooh...

well here we are and touch wood the blog seems to be fine...just to let you know that next weeks guest blog will be provided by our very own Johnny Vegas aka Steve...I am sure his northern wit will make you run for the hills and so keep your eyes peeled for tuesdays blog...

Oh my god i don't know how i can contain myself but Dr.Who starts on Saturday at 7pm, this time including floating daleks, how exciting is that!..critique will appear on Sunday...

'No Angels' returned to our screens on Channel 4 on Tuesday and what a hoot that was! The girls were back in fine hedonistic form with lots of shagging, barbituates and patient mistreatment. I noticed the only outcry this time was from the royal college of nursing saying it was degrading to nursing staff but the other hand seems to be saying that nursing staff love it...from experience it looks like a genuine nurses home to me, I had a friend from Southampton who went to London nursing and I was invited down one weekend for a birthday bash...Oh My God you have never seen anything like it, there were lines of coke on demand, there was like a cocktail cabinet of legal highs in the lounge all stolen from the hospitals and tons of booze...and that was before we went out!...we hit the west end, and soho, and old compton street, and brixton and hours later ended up back at the nurses home, everyone a bit worse for took about 40 minutes for the first person to get their kit off and within minutes everyone had followed...we leave the story there as it is something that is sacred within the walls of that nurses bordello! (except that his name was christian and he was hung like a horse!) i think that the angels on tv have a little bit to live up to!...

Lets talk about home shopping channels for a minute, I have become obsessed and i need help...I have started to believe everything they tell me from saint QVC's home, I now realise that i can't do without their products, i didn't know i really needed one till now...i find myself holding up objects in front of the lamp so the light will refract in it and look as pretty as it did on television. I didn't know i needed a vacuum sealed storage bag until they told me i did...I didn't know i needed an elastic non evasive surgery facelift bandage until they proved it worked on tv...i will no longer go anywhere now without a ruler as you never know when you will have to measure something and overall i keep my nails and fingers dead clean in case i have to show a friend something in close-up...

Why do people you meet on the internet think they own you?...I talked to this guy a few times and he was insistent on me going down to London to join in a foursome with him (wealthy fund manager) a portugese footballer and a brazillian racing driver. Each time he mentioned a date he sort of demanded that that would be the day so i called his bluff and asked him to come up to Bedford as it would be easier for me, guess what...a couple more texts and nothing heard from him again. Why do people who contact you seem to want to demand that you do things their way? Am i not seeing things right, is this the way you are meant to play the game?...I don't think i can do that, i need to know everything would be shared on an equal basis, includidng travel...mind you the wealth and the temptation of whoring it for the night was pretty tempting! lol...

last thing for today is the hidden agenda behind the cartoons of Charles M Schulz...Charlie Brown was evil, snoopy was very militant, patti showed lesbian tendencies wheras the blonde kid who loved beethoven was a fairy. Linus was special needs on the outside but master villain within and as for Lucy, she eventually became Monica lewinsky...discuss...

...and pooh and eeyore both looked scared when Christopher robin threatened them with the kapok factory...


They seem to be having some major problems at the moment...will try to post a blog later on today (thursday), so keep your eyes peeled...sorry folks but it's not my fault, and i missed posting the blog yesterday as much as you missed reading it...laters x

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

a rabbit! or BOB! Posted by Hello

the horizon is always 7 miles away... was only tessie the elephants second foray into the big ring when she got scared by a trapeze artist and sat on the dwarf clown behind her...

Its guest blog day today and i send a warm hand of greeting to NICHOLA, the Bree van der camp of Tavistock court with a hair flick that could open envelopes at 20 paces...thanks for taking the time to write for us nichola and i hope you all enjoy the read...

"Well, doesn't Tuesday roll round quickly?? Neil asked me this morning if i was going to write a blog, how could i say no, as a refusal often offends...and also i wanted to be part of this multi talented geniuses world domination campaign! (I added the last bit...just because i can! lol...ed) Best of all he wanted my few words by this afternoon. Oh my God, what do i write?
I really couldn't bear (sorry....thinking plushie) to let him down. He always finds something amusing to write about. And lisa, I don't know what you were worried about, your blog was great.

Here we go...

Firstly Neil, I must comment on the Easter issue. I was born on 31st March 1970, which happened to be Easter Monday. Does this mean I could change my birthday each year? (No, as your name is not Jesus...although i have heard people say 'oh jesus, nichola' you might be entitled to...i shall have to look that one up...ed)
Loved the picture of Rainbow, oh how it bought back memories. The one thing i never understood about zippy, george and bungle was that they spent all day walking around with o clothes on and then when it came to bedtime they donned nice stripy pyjamas.
Also, Gina and i were talking about BOB's this morning and i said that mine was tartan! No, thats not a BOB thats a flask, lol!!!

I am pretty boring really, not sure you want to read anything about me. Be gentle with your comments, as I cry easily .

I thought i would write about being a married 30 something !(please see an aristically posed nude shot of nicholas husband below)

3 advantages of being married...

1) No need for a BOB, i have a Christopher! (the batteries never run out), mind you can BOBs be run off the mains?? Answers on a postcard please!

2) DIY (decorating etc...not the BOB kind!) Why have a dog and bark yourself? thats what i say.

3) Twice the salary to spend. No explanations required on this one I think, ladies.

3 disadvantages of being married...

Do you know what? I really can't think of any disadvantages at this moment in time. How sickening is that (obviously it's not 'must have chocolate' week)
I have been married 7 years and still 'loved up' (should do well on Derek Batey's 'Mr & Mrs' quiz then...ed), we even married on Valentines day. It gets slushier by the minute. I hope none of you are eating your dinner whilst reading this. Mind you it is second time around for me. The first one only lasted 18 months!

Well thats all from me for today, hope you all stayed awake until the end - short but sweet (just like me!) (oh God help us, she'll be talking about 'Barbies' and 'My little pony' next)

I will leave you with this...

What is pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pants?...Your mum!! lol (sorry the old ones are the best!)

Thanks Nichola for that lovely insight into Stepford wives sounds really ...pleasant!

Seriously though I must thank all blogettes for taking the time to share things with us...I'm still trying to persuade my sister and thats only because she has to write lovely and smashing things about me!

...Eeyore looked around the wood, smiled, thought to himself how peaceful it was without that little yellow cunt running around singing all the time...

Monday, March 14, 2005

competition 2

Here is this weeks competition...just the one cd to win this week as nichola cleared me out last week!

This is a quote by a character, what is the character known as and from what tv series?

"Through the darkness of futures past, the magician longs to see. One chance out between two worlds ... fire, walk with me"

By the way, my anger problem had dispersed since yesterday so woke up quite happy today! phew!

everyday is like sunday

...dorothy clicked the heels of her red slippers together three times and then realised that she had forgotten to coat them with any anti-scuff products...

Lets talk about BOB' this was a new one to me till earlier and it stands for Battery Operated now you can work out what the girlies were talking about...i know lisa won't mind me telling everybody that she has 5, including 'Thumper the rabbit' and 'Black Giant'...i aim one day to be invited to an ann summers party because i'm sure gay guys can have just as much fun at these things than women there people, you now know what a BOB is!

I heard something GREAT today...Bedford college are now offering NVQ's in Buffing, I thought it was the same as fluffing but apparently you need some mechanical equipment for this one...Buffing, whatever next an NVQ in putting castor cups under sofas, an NVQ in opening the foil seal on a coffee jar or how about an NVQ in opening a cd case (that one would be very handy!)...God give me strength...

Did anyone see Casanova last night, what a marvellous episode, bawdy, fun, colourful and brilliantly written by Russell T Davies....can't wait for the next episode.

Onto the main subject of the day, I was watching 'Castaway' with Tom Hanks last night and i wondered, "Why do all american films have happy endings?"...why couldn't the fucker just not be found and we see him die on the island and rot away. Lets use this formula for other films:
'The Sound of Music'...they all get captured by the nazis, raped and killed.
'Dial M for murder' ...the phone line is cut off as they haven't paid the bill.
'Panic Room'...everyone shoots each other downstairs and the kid dies of a hypo whilst jodie runs out of air and suffocates.
'Field of dreams' fucker turns up at his useless stadium
'Its a wonderful life'...the fucker commits suicide anyway.
'ET'...he gets shot down and doesn't arrive home at all
'Finding Nemo'...he doesn't
you get the gist but see how easy it can be, its only because the americans have wussy focus groups that don't like to see unamerican endings that we have this problem...

Somebody made me think of a lovely vision today, so today I am celebrating the beginning of spring by having 'think of your fella in a cricket box day' ...oh the possibilities are endless...i would like to buy a certain persons used cricket box for charity but can't find anybody to ask him!!

I was scared today, I got locked in an empty flat, somebody told me the lock wasn't working very well so i went up to see how bad it was...the door shut and the fucking handle went crunch...there i was the end i had to get matt to help me by passing keys through the letterbox to unlock the door..enough to say that people (yes you Gx) were sniggering throughout the day at my misfortune...hmmm

Just to clear one thing up, Lisa phoned me last night and still wants to marry me, so all is well on track for september...another happy ending (at the moment)...

...pippett was the smallest horse and he only knew this because he kept banging his head on everybody elses testicles...

Sunday, March 13, 2005

paint the whole world with a rainbow... Posted by Hello

paint the whole world with a rainbow... was after the famous porn video that rod, jane and freddy's career took a turn for the worse...

Today I am feeling angry, its been building up all weekend and i think it may manifest itself over the next day or so in one huge abhorrent outburst. I am trying to control it but everytime i think of something in particular (which i can't mention here) it gets worse and worse...i alweays tend to do this, dwell on something that upsets or annoys me and then i just let fly. I will keep you informed...

The lovely Rufus Wainwright was on telly for a whole 65 minutes last night on a magical documentary...if you missed it, it's a shame. He is truly talented and Messiah like...

Lots of people have asked me why i kept writing nobhead the other day...sorry, that was an in joke for Steve and i shouldn't have really put it in...well its not really fair if i can't tell you about it is it!

Well as you have seen from her comments over the last couple of days it looks like lisa no longer wants me to marry her. I must say that i am as shocked and suprised as you all are and didn't see it coming at all, i feel like i have been hit with a sledge hammer. I have yet to speak to her on the subject but she seemed to be laughing and giggling in her last comment. I suddenly feel very used and dirty, i have had my gayness sullied by a woman and i think that will be an inset trauma for the rest of my days. So it is true, i am all set for becoming a wizzened old man living in a housing association bedsit...i really can't wait...

Today i am just going to say 'fuck you' to the world and stay cocooned in rooftop world, i was out on the roof this morning planting the rest of my varigated golden green bamboo and other plants, it was very calming and invigorating in the wind, i felt at one with nature...i love this time of year when its sunny and cold, it makes me happy...except i am angry...(return to beginning of cyclical blog)

...and after sweep had ravaged sue 'the sooty show' was suddenly taken off the air...

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Film Quiz

whoops...sorry...forgot with all the teccy problems

the answer was American Beauty and the winner was Nichola from Bedford...congratulations Nichola, we will be in touch about your prize..fresh contest starts on Monday

oh! those scottish men and their nobs! Posted by Hello

twats in hats

...Jemima looked down at the toys and instantly knew why someone had called him liitle ted...

Thank you Thank you all so much for voting for Edith to win last night...many tears of joy were for comic relief it was a great show last night but much more moving than previous editions. The film reports between the funny bits were so so sad and i will be honest and say that i sobbed my way through most of it, especially the little baby that appeared whilst lenny henry was looking at his aids ridden mum, and also the mothers poem that was recited whilst she was watching her son die of aids...incredibly moving and very very effective.

woo who starts again next saturday and it looks like its going to be good fun...christopher ecclestone is a mighty fine choice for the doctor, hunky and with it!...not sure about billie (ex mrs ginger whinger evans) piper as the assistant though, we shall have to wait and see...

Sorry for all the teccy problems over the last couple of days...please leave your comments about yesterdays blog as i think it was one of the best ones for a all seems to be working now (says he touching his wood!) so you can enjoy the full multimedia experience which is 'Piddys Place'...

I did have a nasty email actually and i was only kidding when i mentioned the seal culling...honestly! was the otter slippers that i wasn't joking about (tee hee...that was in one of the lost will never know!!)

After yesterday I thought i was going to awake with a horses head under the duvet (just don't ask!), but this was not to be so i am hoping that the house dropped hard enough on the wicked witches head for all the munchkins to start singing be continued...

I don't feel like bitching about anything today as I am feeling emotionally drained after a training day i have just been on...more tears shed!...its lucky i don't have blocked quite happy though so no one must fret!..

I hope you are all having fun today and i really hope that this weekend brings you all the sunshine and happiness that you need to make the world seem a perfect place to be...

...Dougal got in a huff after sniffing zebedees springs and smelling another dogs scent...

Friday, March 11, 2005

Please Give Generously...thank you xx Posted by Hello

do ladies only eat chocolate on a minstrel cycle?

...and boy was she suprised when clarrie found out that a jock strap wasn't a scottish punishment implement...

First of all apologies for yesterday...all we seemed to get was the title of the blog, i lost two episodes of sweat and blood in a techno horror over the last 24 hours. The blog site just didn't want to play games...thats the first day i have missed completely since the blog started so I am sorry, even though it wasn't my fucking fault, alright?


I watched a very unusual film yesterday called '9 songs', you may have seen the advert on telly...i didn't get it, i just didn't understand what the director was trying to do...all we got was 9 songs (funnily enough) by bands such as Franz Ferdinand, Super furry animals (mmm...plushie fun!), Black rebel motorcycle club and others, shot in a concert environment and from the audience perspective, interspersed with some of the most graphic 'real' sex seen on a cinema screen. Definitely no acting on the sex front, full in your face blow jobs, shafting, cunnilingus and cum shots...but i still didn't get it....why?


Oh, so Jesus has decided to die a bit earlier this year has he?...i tell you what, it really pisses me off the way that the church changes the date of his death every so? How on earth are you meant to sort out the chocolate supply when you don't know what date you will be stuffing yourself wait, lots of famous people will be wanting to change death dates next to fit in with some other celebrations...okay lets move hitlers death date to the anniversary date of the premiere of fiddler on the roof (how ironic)...what about if we move the Queen mothers death date to the wedding date of charles and camilla (what a happy occasion that would be!)...oh i could go on for hours...anyway, how about a summer easter next year then jesus, the chocolate manufacturers would love that one! Ha!


Lets get this straight people....its alright to kill anilmals if they are needed for food...i had some jumped up vegan talking to me today saying how we don't need meat and didn't eat meat when we were first on earth. I don't fucking care you rabbbit food munching cunt! Meat is my favourite, i would quite happily live in meat if it didn't go off, I would bathe in it, i would savour a raw steak as it slipped down my throat...well perhaps that is a bit extreme, but i do get pissed off with people telling me what i can and cant eat...each to their own, thats what i say...long live butchery.... and seal culling! (but this is a small joke)


As for benefits and single people...just don't let me go there...we are not entitled to sweet fuck all...its all very well parents getting money for overpopulating the planet, what do I get out of it apart from higher food prices because there is not enough to go round, higher car prices because everyone insists on buying three each, higher house prices because of the shortage of decent homes...the only reason that me and lisa will be getting married is because of tax reasons and future benefits and pensions...oh and also because i lover her!...but what else can we do?


...and Neil looked lovingly at his furry fun suit and wished that 'Comic Relief' would happen every year...Edith to win...Happy Comic Relief Day...Please Give Generously...

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Wednesday, March 09, 2005 Posted by Hello

It's life jim, but not as we know it...

...andrew thought his family was screwed up because his parents had bought him a fully inflatable party sheep with realistic hole for his 18th birthday...

Woo hoo...NTL kindly put me on 3mbps broadband today, its running at 2.4 mbps at the moment , but wow is it fucking fast!

Thanks to Lisa for the blog yesterday, I have been exploring the possibilty of buying a badger costume for when she comes round next, but at 600 pounds a time she may have to settle to two fur cushions sellotaped to dustbin bag. The enema thing was not nice and i really couldn't think of anything more horrid than someone spraying me with god knows what out of their arseholes!..thanks for the imagery lisa! I will be asking Nicola if she will be next weeks blogette and will let you know if i have a guest or not...if anyone wants to write a blog page just contact me at the normal place...

Once upon a time in clubland there was a dj and video buyer who used to work for Virgin (have you guessed who it is yet...yes its me!) and used to have wild party nights at the star bar @ Heaven (when Branson used to own it). It was a regular thing to see a 'Tainted Love' singer hanging around outside the blokes toilets allegedly touting his trade and following guys into the nearest was here that the 1st ecstacy tablets were seen around London in 1987 and boy it was debauched, an audio visual extra sensory experience with the soundtrack which included Adamski's was the crunchy sticky carpet which showed the sins of a thousand nights, semen, sweat, beer and puke all merging to create an authentic clubbing was here that I got off with a famous kids tv presenter and discovered that fellatio wasn't an italian pasta after was here that hunky young gigolos used to hang around the bar waiting to turn tricks with the VIP's in the Star Bar...I saw too many singers off their faces to name them all and not enough money to cover the libel suits that would was the atmosphere downstairs that counted with the pretty boys go go dancing to attract the one night conquest that would follow...'Blue Monday' exploding around the was attractive middle aged guys walking round with their knobs hanging out of their trousers, hoping that some stud would come and kop a feel at some point during the was hedonistic, with speed being thrown up peoples noses left, right and centre, but it was a time and place that had to exist for that simply was 'Heaven!'

Gina has just emailed me and given me an idea that has got my creative juices will just have to wait and see...

...and thats when lisa realised that she had caused a riot at the local toys r us outlet...

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

ahhh...plushie love-in Posted by Hello

It's lisa time!

Ladeeeezzzz and genelmen...will you bow down before the goddess known as ................LISA !!

Thanks Neil for the opportunity to write on your blog and for ruining my life from now lol –

Unless I suddenly developed dementia or loss of hearing I had no idea I was the guest blogger this week until I read about it on Saturday night and since then I have been racking my brain to think of something to write about. I could have written about what it was like to be single but Gina beat me to that one – I thought about writing about becoming 40 in a few months time but Matt got that one in.
I thought about writing about my life but that would have won an award for the shortest blog in living history lol I don’t know how Neil manages to write every day!

I did think about not writing the blog altogether and taking the whipping :-) but thought that might be too much enjoyment for one night.

So here I am
I then thought about writing about last nights banned season on Channel 4 but Neil bloody beat me to that as well – so I thought about writing about a really good book I am reading at the moment no self help book this time but Bill Bryson`s A short History of Nearly Everything but after thinking for a few minutes I thought no give the people what they want so I thought I would keep up with Neil and talk about fetishes –

I had a friend who had a very strange fetish well strange to me he loves feet (me I personally have a dislike to them I cant think of anything worse than feet – but my friend loved them he worshipped feet. Most people have a certain thing or part of the body that interests them for most men its breast but for my friend it another part of the woman body its their feet he found just looking at a naked foot very satisfying. He only liked woman who had small feet but all they had to do was take their shoes off and wriggle their toes or stretch them and that was enough for him. So I thought I would have a look on the world wide web for fetishes and after trawling through thousands of sites all in the aid of research I hasten to add I found some truly mind boggling fetishes but thought I would only tell you briefly about two and let you have a look at your pleasure lol.


I saw this name appear on the fetish screen and could not think for the life of me what a plushie is a thought entered my head perhaps someone who likes their partner to parade around in plush slippers and the sight of them makes them go weak at the knees.
So I clicked on the link and spent the next ten minutes laughing – the mind boggles a plushie is a stuffed animal, like a teddy bear. Plushie is short for Plushophile an adult who loves or is attracted to stuffed animals!
But it gets worse some of them then go on to wear full-costume to make them look like there favourite animal. Like the ones worn by amusement park – these are called `fursuits`.
I have to say that some `Plushies` do not go on to have sexual relationships with their cuddly toys some just want to cuddle them, but for others it can develop into a relationship and for some just sniffing the scent of their plushie can make them peak.
The site I found even explained how you can explore this if you want to and instructions of washing your plushie.

Lets just say all my plushies went in the bin lol and I will never be able to go to Disneyland and look at Mickey and Minnie again without looking out for a plushie!

Should any of you wish to check out any strange fetishes that you are keeping hidden the link is So the question I want to ask is when is the next fancy dress party and can we all dress up as plushies please

I recommend reading the one about enemas it gives you a good description of the equipment you will need to carry out the enema on your partner and some household items you can buy from a DIY shop.

Well enjoy the read I am off to the local hardware shop I hear they do a good range of hoses and funnels – now all I need is a willing vict oops sorry partner maybe Neil could help me out purely for scientific reasons of course



Monday, March 07, 2005

clockwork orange... Posted by Hello

clang clang clang went the trolley!

...Benji pulled on the cord and watched while the lions cage door opened in front of him...

hi all and thanks for the first couple of entries to the competition, one right and one wrong so far but thanks for entering!

I have just heard about someone whose marriage has just lasted two weeks and they are now filing for divorce, after having known each other for about 14 years...the woman has said that her husband has changed in those two weeks...Hmm, living in seperate flats before marriage...think about it love, perhaps it was living with you that was the problem?...God forbid it should be your fault.

anybody see the 'banned' programmes on channel 4 last night, all the explicit bits you missed off tv was great fun, an orgy of excess from the Sex Pistols swearing on live tv to the performance artist who ate foetuses as an art installation. The series carries on tonight and promises to be a most derivative collection of documentaries on the subject of censorship and public perception. The films that they have chosen are pretty good examples of extreme, ranging from 'evil dead' through 'a clockwork orange' to 'kids', all films worthy of your time...enjoy!

Why has death become such a taboo subject in modern life?...people used to celebrate death in earlier times and in fact right up to the 1950's in Northern England where it was the norm to have major processions from a village to the final resting place of a local. Death is now talked about in hushed tones and is all so very clinical and clean. Bodies are hardly left in open caskets now unless culture demands that this takes place. I for one am not afraid of death, I don't feel that the day of my death will be different to any other day of the year apart from the fact that i will cease to breathe. I don't want people to grieve or wail, i want people to have fun with my death, party like its 1999 all over again, celebrate me..don't deny me that. I suppose everyone has fears though and this is one that lives in quite a lot of peoples hearts. The two closest fears to me that i can't destroy or push aside are the fear of being alone in my old age and the fear of heights. These two frighten me more than anything else. I have tried to understand why I fear loneliness, I suppose its that i have so much to share with people before i go...I couldn't spend my days without someone to love me or someone to look after and this does break me apart occasionally. I start to panic and i just have to work through it for a few days and then i bounce back, but as i get older each year the panic seems to last longer and i know that one day it will be the end of me...oh human frailties desist!

I want to complain about ladies next, well not ladies in particular but Oestrogen by-products in drinking water. In previous times there was no birth control pills and there was no flushable sanitary products. Men had a higher sperm, each year the male sperm count is decreasing because of the Oestrogen that cannot be removed from water even with the processes it goes through. Think about it are possibly ruining your chances of can't get full term without no sperm! (that will be my campaign slogan)

I feel conspiracy theories coming on...

Can't wait for comes Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesaa!!

...Mindy thought that she would try the missionary position but the people at the local church weren't willing to help...

Sunday, March 06, 2005

I wish Bernardo Bertolucci was my dad ! the middle of her essay Tanya wrote the word 'bollocks' just for extra emphasis...

Lets talk about the abortion of a programme called 'making your mind up' last night on was meant to be a platform whereby we could choose the song to represent this shitty nation at the Eurovision song was bloody abysmal, as mentioned before Katie Price (aka Jordan) was even more atrocious having to sing live and the fun bit was that everyone was booing her (that appealed to my bitchy side). She was wearing something quite amazing, it was sort of a Pink latex jumpsuit with a built in pregnancy panel so they wouldn't have to alter the costume if she got through...thank god she didn't. The winner, bless her, tried very hard and its a sort of okay song but a bit too close to Britneys 'Toxic' for my liking. The other choices were really not even worth mentioning, and where they came up with the five songs in the first place was beyond me...making your mind up indeed!

Celebrity comic relief fame academy is going well...EDITH TO WIN...its tripe but its in a good cause so all you have to do is text 'vote edith' to 60077 every day till Friday and you will make your uncle neil very happy indeed, as well as raise money to help the world.

I watched a very difficult film the other day called 'The Woodsman' starring Kevin Bacon (who was oscar worthy by the way) who plays a paedophile released from prison and trying to reform his ways by falling in love and trying not to reoffend. The argument it has caused is that the film makers are asking you to feel empathy for their film character and people just don't seem to be able to or want to do this. It is a really good film and i urge you all to see it to make up your own minds. The only opinion I could express is that of a non parent and I don't feel that would help the argument either way, so as i said, its over to you.

Lisa was horrified about doing the blog on Tuesday so we shall give her a big 'Ra Ra go girl' (for support)...I personally can't wait, i think its going to be one of the most explosive things you have read since Jaqueline Susan put her pen down after finishing 'Valley of the dolls'...woo hoo!

As you all probably know by now I am a bit of a filmophile, so i thought i would throw in a contest with the winner receiving five albums of their choice (subject to download availability!...i'm not a cheapskate, just efficient!)...all entries must be mailed to by Friday and the winner will be picked from all correct on to the question...(if no one gets it right then we shall have a rollover)

Q. This is the last line of a film...what film was it..."You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry: you will someday."

...Neville had an evil glint in his eye as he approached the frog, holding the straw aloft in the air...

Saturday, March 05, 2005

rufus you know why!!! Posted by Hello

Charlies aren't

...and then Tommy majestically raised his hand and shouted "arse biscuits" at the new Irish teacher...

I've had a really shit know i told you yesterday that my plants had arrived...well muggins here thought he would do some indoor gardening so the dear little things didn't dry out..I tripped over the plants and went arse over tit, threw the bag of compost all over the hall carpet and kicked my water pot on top of for most of the day I have been cleaning a very muddy carpet...

I don't really know what to say about all the comments on the blog the other day, in a way I'm dissapointed that I only get a response when i mention dirty words in a piece, and news about my life just doesn't do it. On the other hand I am really pleased that people took the time to comment although i know at least 6 people that didn't exist ;-)
What direction do i take?

I can't remember whether I told you who the guest blogger is on Tuesday...its Lisa's turn! hold on to your hats because you will be in for a bumpy ride from old loudmouth herself ! (love you !)...set your memory recorders now!

In the pub somebody asked me to carry on the piece about circumcision but of the female sort, now my knowledge is pretty limited on that subject. I do know the basics, being that the clitoris is carved away inhumanely and then the rest of the vagina is sewn up so tight that it is extreme agony for the rest of the womens life. Unfortunately some African countries practice this abomination due to the religious fervour that is still around. I did find a fairly easy to understand article which I have linked below. i was apalled... yes...mutilation indeed...I definitely would like to read some comments about this

Oh forgot to mention that Lisa and I are off to see Rufus Wainwright in Cambridge lucky to get tickets as he has been selling out as soon as they go on sale...if you haven't heard of him please please please check him out...the guy is a genius...

I have to get back to cleaning the carpet.. reports confirmed that it seemed to be a mid life crisis why the chicken got the bus instead of crossing the road...

Friday, March 04, 2005

A quickie

Just a quick note to say hello today with no time to write more...except that today has been one of the most snowbound for a while and what turns up on my doorstep but my spring plants to i have potfuls of soil bound plants in my hallway waiting for somewhere to go...they werent meant to arrive till the end of March...can we never get anything right in this fucking country...

tomorrow is another day...

Thursday, March 03, 2005

with a haversack on my back, sack and crack

...the three bears looked at Goldilocks, then looked at each other and said "fuck it, lets eat the bitch"...

First of all I have realised what prompts comments from people...its sex, sex and more sex! in future, lets get sexy!

Secondly I would just like to ask all the charity companies that send me nice free pens to fill them up with ink...i received one today from the tight wads at cancer research and there was literally a couple of mls of ink in they realise how much plastic is being wasted?...about 4 inches of plastic in each pen, unused, thrown away and not earth friendly is that you non thinking charity committee bastards...if you want me to stop moaning send me a full pen, you send me a full pen and i pay you money...its as simple as that...i urge you all to look at the refill when you get a free pen...lets start a revolution...

Ten Best Musicals Ever...(in my humble opinion)

1) The Sound of Music
2) My Fair Lady
3) Oklahoma
4) Phantom of the Opera
5) Sunset Boulevard
6) Blood Brothers
7) Martin Guerre
8) Evita
9) Chicago
10) Sweeney Todd

Lets talk about Male Circumcision...who wants a wiff of a cheesy cock. Sorry guys but no matter how clean you are down under, there is always an odour caused by the skin covering the oils that hover round the glans area. In my mid thirties I decided to do something about it and went for a be honest it was the most painful thing that I have ever been through and my bits looked like a watermelon surrounded by two oranges for a couple of weeks...but oh it was so worth it! Europeans do not have a history of circumcising males whereas the Americans put surgeons on auto pilot, straight for the cock as soon as they are born. I personally think that an unhooded cock is a lot more attractive and my op was mostly for cosmetic reasons. You may say that that is the ultimate vanity but I think guys can go through life really traumatised if they are not happy with the sight of their bits. Whenever you bring up circumcision at a dinner party or event, you can guarantee that guys ask you the same questions over and over again...'did it hurt', 'what does it feel like before, during and after', 'do you lose sensitivity', 'what does it feel like now when you knock one off', 'how do the other boys/girls like it' and in extreme cases 'can i see'!
I personally think that Doctors should be pushing male circumcision to parents more as it has been said to decrease the risk of certain cancers, it is also definitely more hygenic and a great thing is that it makes you last longer when performing (so everyone has a good time)...just remember though to keep the lube cupboard stocked as the natural slippiness isn't there...if anybody has any serious questions, don't be afraid to put them into comments...

Everything gets smaller in the end!...I am talking here about 'Wagon Wheels', 'Mars Bars', 'Curly wurly' and 'Texan' bars...its not just that I was a smaller person when i used to eat them...they are definitely smaller. The wagon wheel is now more like a 'weekend bag wheel', Mars bars are more like 'tiny little planet that hasn't got a name bar', Curly wurly are now more like 'Curl Wur' and Texan has become 'Dallas Bar'...sweetie manufacturers stop it now before the size of your products get any smaller. Its a rip off and its a disgrace...go screw yourselves.

...Peter Pan looked around angrily and retorted, "Okay, who called me the Michael Jackson of story land"...

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

hanky spanky! Posted by Hello

Muffin the mule is not a sex offence

...and so it came to be, that everytime that miriam now took a bath the dog would be locked outside...

Lets talk assistants. Why oh why are they all so fucking rude these days, any shop you go into, the staff mostly have attitude problems (except Waterstones...coz i love waterstones and the people are all fluffy and nice). Lets take a certain clothes shop for example...a clue, big stream with a piece of land in the middle of it...being a big giant of a chap I walked in the other day and the assistants looked over at me, looked at each other and just laughed. I felt humiliated, i felt abused but they just stood there and laughed. I walked out. This happens fairly regularly in clothes shops these days so i just tend to order from my next catalogue at home and be done with. Record shops are also piss takers, I used to manage one and probably have more music product knowledge in my cock than they have in the whole of their thin studenty little under nourished bodies. When i wander in now to buy my Partridge Family albums and my David Soul albums I don't expect to get intimidated...and thats why more and more people are turning to the internet, better service in a nice and peaceful environment with a no hassle returns policy...perfect shopping!

Lets look at sex shops...the palaces of forbidden delight, the emporiums of sin. I only go into sex shops with friends as it still looks a bit seedy when you wander in as a middle aged chap. Once you are inside its great fun, you get to wobble things, you get to vibrate things, you get to size up things for girth and width, but overall you have FUN. I remember the time i went in to one in London and came out with cock rings, lubes, johnny's, vibro massagers, nipple clips and all sorts of carnival looking toys...all of which sat in a bag for about two years before they got thrown out. Sex shops have some sort of magic attached to them whereby the goods draw you in and before you know it 'bang', a bagful of spunk inducers! If you are a hetero couple, its normally the guys that buy stuff hoping that the girls won't be freaked out by their weird fetishes (unless the town has an Ann Summers shop, then it will be the girl who buys the toys!). Hmm fetishes, lets talk about fetishes...I have a close friend who likes to be spanked, she likes to be spanked really hard in fact but has a real problem finding a guy that wants to do that to her for fear of causing pain. I know another guy who is into S and M and he finds it really hard to find partners who will chain him to a bed with a hood on and give him small whippings with a cat 'o' nine tails. I don't think the British public are quite as open to sexual deviance as they think they are....unless you can prove me wrong?

10 films you should have in your collection...

1) Brief Encounter
2) Now Voyager
3) ET
4) Pulp Fiction
5) The Elephant Man
6) Brainstorm
7) Jean de florette / Manon des sources
8) The English Patient
9) Wild at Heart
10) Spongebob Squarepants The Movie

...Tinkerbell suddenly set fire to Pinnochio, and thats when they found out she was pissed off at being a fairy...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

groundhog day is eternal

...pepe looked at the armed border guards and had second thoughts about the job as a mexican drag act called lola...

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN...its guest blog day today so i am presenting the greatest thing on legs since Rod Hulls Emu...iiiittttttttsssssssssss Matt....

In his introduction last week Neil mentioned something about a man’s point of view, well sorry to disappoint all out there but I’m not too sure what a mans point of view is. Sure I’m a man but man’s point of view kind of conjures up all sorts of chest beating ,beer swilling, sexist shit that you expect from the Sun reading public and their ilk. If I have the need to rant on at anything my point of view is just that mine and I won’t be pigeon holed into anyone else’s little gang. Which brings me on to the first of my chosen topics for tonight.

Being Forty. I’m only bringing this up because. A) Those of you who know me know I attained this great level of conscience only a few short weeks ago (see entry on the 2nd of Feb) and B) I’m aware one or two of you are about to get there in the not to distant future. Well the funny thing is I was all for not making a fuss and letting myself believe it was no big thing, you know just another number. Well fuck me (sorry “F” word) as it got closer I began to get some strange feeling about mortality and where my life has been. I have to say not helped on the day by my dear friend and the ever-beautiful wife adorning my place of work with hundreds of photo’s that had been given by my dear old Mum. You know the sort of thing in nappy’s, wearing the most unsuitable 1970’s hair do, and the worst of all old school photo. Matt in new school blazer two sizes too big on the first day of secondary school. Its strange but I think that it does mean something after all, maybe its because its some middle point or just the fact that you have made it.
It’s a hell of a long time when you think, even though its shot by quicker than a chav on their way to the local market to by a fake Burberry bag. Just think of all those life changing thing that have happened since that fateful day in February 1965. Big Brother, Boy Bands, Political correctness, All Reality tv programs, Tony Blair, The ford escort .I could go on but I think i'm in danger of shooting myself in the foot. All I can say is that I hope I get the chance to make the next forty as fun as the last. Not that I want to go back to a different age (All those sleepless nights wondering when I was going to finally get laid. When your sixteen it’s the only thing on your mind. No wonder boys don’t do so well at school in the gcse years)I’m happier now than I have ever been, there is a certain gravitas in being older, shop assistants take you more seriously, insurance is cheaper ,and every one expects you to become a grumpy old Victor Meldrew character which is perfect for me.

Whilst im on the subject of getting older can anyone out there tell why as the lunchtime of your life approaches your body starts to sprout hair from places its never been before. I mean what on earth is so bad as I get older that I’m going to need hair growing out of my ears and nose, what does nature know that I don’t ,what on earth can excess hair protect me from.?

Ok subject two What if Jesus is not the son of god . This is a theory that I was told by someone very close to me and it goes like this. Mary young married lady is bored with her life , lets face it Joseph is not the most exciting guy on the block he aint got the drive . You know money tight so the foreign holiday is off, and they look like their going to stay a one Donkey family for the foreseeable future. Anyway Mary goes out and after a night with her friends meets this nice bloke and they have a fling. To cut a long story short Mary finds herself in the difficult position of being shagged stupid and getting pregnant by another man. A position many a young lady finds herself in to day, but back then it was worse than admitting to owning a copy of a Spice girls album,(I have Spice Girls the Movie...does that count...ed) because this as we now know is 9 months BC . Oh what to do , Mary thinks quickly and decides to lie to her old man who is a bit gullible at the best of times. After a nice tea and a couple of bottles of the local brew Mary starts to tell Joseph a story,( Mary is behind the settee by now trying to mask her voice). The poor sod is so drunk that Mary tells him she is an angel sent down to bless his wife with a child etc etc. Well the next morning through a thumping hangover Joseph is tell every one who will listen that he and Mary have been chosen by god to bring the saviour of mankind into the world. Job done thinks Mary.
So there you have it The whole of Christian religion based on a young lady needing to hide from her husband the fact she been poked by another.
Anyway thanks for reading, sorry if it went on to long. If I’m ever invited back we can talk about Islam, Is it fundamental or just fun or just mental...Matt x

Wow...thank you terrific was that and it means i get out of any work for today!...see you!

...Penny penguin suddenly realised that they had been lying in Penguin school when they said that Polar Bears were just there to wipe your bum on...