Monday, January 31, 2005

I thought Opus Dei was a new car

...Babe was happy and scampered and frollicked through the fields until he reached the hut with the big wooden block and the butchers hook...

Lets talk about junk mail...I got home today to find stacks of crap (not literally) on the doormat, what did you receive i hear you cry, well...let me take you through it... 1) an envelope offering me a free pair of tights to try, and it was addressed to Mr Piddy77...2)a gentlemans (and i use the term loosely) underwear catalogue full of things like tangas and thongs which would only be of use to me if i wanted to fucking floss! Mind you, the see through section was quite a delight and perhaps i will keep that catalogue to look at on numerous occcasions later...3) a greenhouse advert, yep 15 floors up and i still get gardening junk...4) a leaflet from the diabetes association asking me if i would like to sort out my erectile dysfunction, hmmm, do they know something that i don't?...and finally, best of all...5) a free new extra absorbent, compact, with wings Tampax which i received for filling out an online dating survey...I have decided to stick the latter up my nose and see how long it takes to draw all the bodily fluids from my large frame. So my message is to junk mail senders...Get Fucked!

I have to work this evening, Gina asked me to in her best sexy voice and i just melted and said yes. The trouble is the spell wears off after about 10 minutes and then you sit there thinking to yourself "what have i just fucking done"...heigh ho!

In the interests of science I have decided to see if i can grow mice from seed, I have everything ready and it should take a few weeks i think, then i should have a couple of mice at least...what do you mean mice don't come from seeds, it says here in the book, hold on....oh...I have decided to grow rice from seed (no thats not nearly exciting enough, fuck it) put on a winsome face as she sat on top of the washing machine for the first time...

Sunday, January 30, 2005

A little piece of heaven

...frank stood admiring the largest redwood tree in the world, unfortunately he didn't see the beavers hiding round the other side...

Well I took Lisa out on a suprise trip last night...well not so much of a suprise because i told her at 12.30 in the afternoon where we were going...anyway, we went to see 'The Circus of Horrors 10th Anniversary Tour' at the local was wild and a great deal of had naked dwarfs (Lisa kept wondering how big his tackle was because he was towing a vacuum cleaner round with it!) had sacrificed virgins, lots of magic tricks, more blood, fire (lots of), explosions, people creating huge fountains of sparks from their genital area and lots more. I have to give a couple of mentions to the genius of Garry Stretch 'The Elastic Man', whose skin is so stretchy that for his finale he could pull the skin of his neck out and make his head disappear inside! Truly amazing. And also big kudos to the flying man on the big rope (sorry didn't catch his name), but that was truly frightening as he swung out over the audience without any safety harness this point my bollocks ascended to the area from which they originally came and wouldn't show themselves for about an hour afterwards. (go visit them)

Oh well its back to work tomorrow, I sort of look forward to going back because people ask you what you have been doing, where you've been and are generally interested but unfortunately with the new rules we have I'm not really allowed to tell them which I think is a shame because residents who are more house bound tend to thrive off other peoples excitement of life, and stories of the outside world sometimes trigger memories that can stimulate conversation etc...but i'm not going to harp on about it, i shall be a good little corporate guy and do as i am told! (if my boss is reading this I do love my job dearly and will snivel as much as i have to lol)

Not much on today, must finish Da Vinci code, its now getting far too exciting to put down so hence the early blog again...all the drink I need, all the food I can eat, a fairly comfy sofa and a great book...that sounds good to me!

...but Daphne didn't realise it would hurt quite so much when she tried to rescue her hamster from the Kitchen waste disposal...

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Undeniably scrummy!

...lizzy looked startled as he undressed in front of her, he truly was the holy grail of human sex toys...

An early blog entry today as I thought i would catch my early morning good mood. Today is a bit different. Today I will answer questions that people have put to me over the last few weeks, just to clear the here we go.

Q. How long have you been a muslim?
A. Are you sure you posted to the right blog?

Q. How did you get so large?
A. As a child in Australia I was left in a greenhouse to mature and germinate properly.

Q. Where are your parents?
A. I was kidnapped and raised by an african tribe of small people (because you are not allowed to say pygmys anymore) and then rescued by travelling missionaries when I was seven...Oh sorry, that was the book i have just been parents are in Stafford and are called Shirley and Keith...hmm I wonder how my dad got his name of Shirley...

Q. Can you cook?
A. Yes I can...why do you think I am so large, if I couldn't I would probably look like Caprice.

Q. Do you like your work?
A. Do the words like and tolerate mean the same thing?

Q. How big is your cock?
A. Big enough to shove down your throat if you ask me any more questions like that...pervert!

Q. Somebody said you are a medium, is that true?
A. No, double extra large actually...but if you were talking in the spiritual sense, no, I practice Psychometry but have not yet developed it to mediumship.

Q. Do you wish you had a partner?
A. Yes i do, it would be nice to have someone to share things with and appreciate life with, but if its not meant to be its not meant to be...anyway I would probably stop writing if I had someone else to tell! more for today..

Q. What is your most memorable experience?
A, Oh i think that has to be my first memories of my mum and dad, holding me up, showing me off, their hopes and dreams for the future all in one little bundle of fat...or tasting Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheescake Ice Cream!

...and after the Doctor had lanced Derek's boil the world seemed a much happier place, well for one day in Dereks life anyway...

for the girls... Posted by Hello

Friday, January 28, 2005

An angel walked through me today

..."mum, mandy's using the cat as a vacuum cleaner again"...

First of all i want to thank all the people that are leaving messages on the site, it's really nice to know that people are actually reading and enjoying (well i use the term loosely) what i write!

Now you will see on the right hand side of the page a new little thing about 'Skype', this is actually quite amazing. As long as your friend has a microphone you can make free phone calls pc to pc. You can also transfer files while talking. If you have friends in other countries then those calls are free too. Okay thats my audition for QVC over (I really don't know what i would have done without it!), so i expect you all to download and ring away to your hearts content!

whats happening today then Neil! i hear you all cry...well fuck all actually, just dossing around here, sending texts to people who don't even reply (hello lisa!! lol), catching up on more films, reading more of the Da Vinci Code, waiting for calls of complaint from Sharon for putting her picture on here etc etc... well i've not had any libel suits fired at me yet so i must be doing something right!

Did anyone see Michael Morres film 'Farenheit 9/11' on tv last was a great use of the documentary genre juxstaposing Bush's stupidity alongside the moral and patriotic covictions of average Americans...they really should all be very ashamed of voting him in for another four years...very very ashamed.

Woo hoo it's the weekend but this week i can't get excited, as I have been on a weekend all week so even though its Friday I can only give a little woo hoo! but a big woo hoo! for the rest of you...if that makes sense.

I've decided, i really need to get laid, so will try and do something about it this weekend...don't know what though...any suggestions please write enclosing a photo and a stamped addressed envelope! :-)

..."oh!, is this a useful bit", said the surgeon, as he held the mans still pumping heart in his right hand...

The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick

..."and bless daddy", said little tommy, "for his present to mummy of an everlasting lollipop"...

Ah, you catch me in a little tearful moment, just watched an amazing film called 'Sideways' (another oscar nominated film i hear you cry) and the main character was ME, everything about him hit home, apart from he was straight! Its very hard when something like that happens and you see yourself as a character on screen. Beautiful film though, very gentle comedy. It's got that sort of 'Lost in Translation' vibe to it...well worth a watch.

I know I have been going on about these anatomy programmes but tonights should be good for all the vindictive females out there as they are going to slice and dice the male member and all the masculinity that goes with it! ha ha. Have been researching today and I have decided to now leave my body to the institute on the programme. I was originally leaving it to the medical council but now feel it would be better used in the plastination institute.

Pam (the lady who does) saved me today from all the grime and decay of day to day living, it really is lovely walking back into the flat to the smell of newly laid flash and bleach. I unfortunately still have the clutter bug. anyone with any suggestions how i can get rid of stuff such as videos and old lp's without breaking my heart please let me know! everything has a memory attached to it, should i just throw old memories away? I don't know whether i can do!!!

Oh well another night in with my old friend Mr bottle of wine to keep me company...heigh ho!

..."piffle" shouted Jane as the teacher explained the theory of relativity to the excited class...

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

start the car ethel, the sheep have started singing

..."forgive me". she cried, as she held the head of his favourite superhero model in her shaking hand...

Today I have housewife hands, have done 3 loads of laundry today, how very humdrum. Now if only the drier was as quick as the washing machine. Why hasn't anybody invented that yet, a machine that dries in 40 minutes so it's ready for the next set of washing. Now i just have to tidy the flat, as my 'lady who does' is in residence tomorrow (i've told you before, don't go there)

'Being Julia' , a beautiful film I watched today with Annette Benning giving a very Oscar worthy performance in a typically typically so so English film...hooray for Annette!

Just another quick mention for 'Teach yourself Anatomy' 11pm Channel 4, tonight the main man is dissecting a body and showing us the journey from the tongue to the anus! (don't even think it!)...i really can't believe this programme! lol

Well you will be pleased to know thta Lisa was not upset reading about her hair colour online so please keep sending any constructive comments.

I am now on holiday until Monday so am making the most of it, all I need is to find a good man and I could have idled the time away somehow!

Good to see the Oscar nominations out yesterday, was a bit suprised at Clint Eastwood as best actor, the film was really moving but i thought Clint was just being Clint with a gravelly voice..heigh ho!..and where was Bill Murrays nomination for 'The Life Aquatic', this has to be an injustice surely! I am proud to say for the first time ever that I have seen all the films that are nominated for best film! hooray for piracy!

...Roger then slipped on the shit and ended up with his head up auntie alices arse...

Sharon (another friend!) at the Water slide! Posted by Hello

empty the aquarium, the fish have moved on to Gin!

...he took his last breath and she cried until the wind could no longer carry her tears...

"What a difference a day makes, twenty four little hours...", Dinah Washington was singing this to me when i got home, it's one of my favourites, and its very true because i was being a bit negative about the course yesterday and so i will re-word and put down what i actually meant. The course was great if you had not studied the whole innards before but unfortunately I had covered all aspects of the course in the last couple of years. Most people got a lot out of it, I unfortunately was not one of them. Anyway tis done.

Martins gusset was fine today as a new pair of trousers took their place. He was crouching admirably today without any hint of cloth retribution. Alls well that ends well. A warm tackle is a happy tackle!

I meant to tell Lisa this earlier on so forgive me darling if you have to read it on here first but we were discussing you today and wondered if you would like to go back to being a brunette as we think it suits you you x

Oooh got my copy of the 'Illustrated Da Vinci Code' by Dan Brown today so I shall be wrapped up reading that over the next few days...have heard great things so it better be good!

Oh my god, did anyone see the Anatomist on Channel 4 last night stripping a real body of all its skin, it was absolutely amazing and I for one did not realise that it could come off in one huge piece. After flinching with the initial shock I watched It peel away from the sinew and muscles so easily and then he proceeded to show us how the muscles actually work. It is meant to be an educational programme but I think the Channel is really out for shock value disguised as entertainment. It carries on for the next three nights, tonight exploring the heart and lung functions...and fun was had by all!

...Tallulah was a transexual, there was no getting away from it, the lump was there for all to see...

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The comfort of strangers

...and then as if by magic, the sausage flew out of the frying pan and landed right in Mrs gumtrees mouth...

What can I say about today...equality and diversity, two buzzwords that have been my existence for the whole day. Sat in a room with 24 other sufferers learning how to suck eggs basically. I mustn't be negative but its a real shame when you have to spend two days knowing that you are not going to learn anything at the end of it, its very frustrating but the company pay for lunch so all is not lost (even though there was no sweet or coffee!).

So Celebrity Big Brother is over, totally rotten result, totally rotten programme, can't wait for the next proper series with the plebbos who want to become famous and try so so hard for everyone to like them for a whole 9 weeks (I think). I love the total humiliation that people will go through because they actually will do anything to win most of the time...roll on summer.

Martin split his trousers today, that was hilarious. He crouched down to talk to a young lady and you heard the rending of the material from at least 10 yards away...the whole of his gusset exploded and lots of fun was had all round.

The Moat House Hotel is where I am based for the next two days and what a godforsaken hole of a place it is, it's meant to be four stars but really its a two star in disguise. The decor is in shocking condition, it smells of old cooking fat and the staff are so bloody rude that i would have sacked them there and then. That is what this country lacks, customer service, it really fucks me off that people can get paid to be rude and surly when we are actually learning the art of customer service upstairs in the very same building. A very big 'Paddington stare' to the owners of the hotel and a extra big Grrrrr.

...a minute passed, and then another minute, he looked at his was a minute past...

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Whoa Neddy, Whoa!

...Jenkins thought it was spiffing that the bigger boys had chosen him to have his head flushed down the lavatory...

Went to the older persons dinner last night and it was lovely, really good has-been singer called Christie Clifford (very vegas show name), was a bit dissapointed with the show frock as it could have been a bit more glittery but the girl had a great pair of lungs on her and sang some lovely tunes. It kept everyone listening and the wine was flowing freely...a couple of my residents had to be carried back over to the court* but all else was okay. (*may have been embellished for dramatic effect).

Trisha...let me tell you about Trisha, and i don't mean the gobby do gooder on ITV everyday. This Trisha is Martins new and very special lover, she is funny, charming and has a great sense of humour but she is a normal woman, so normal in fact that she lived every womans worse nightmare and came back from the toilet with her skirt tucked into her pants. The old boys had a field day on her long walk of shame and I was the only one to point it out. Lots of guffawing and chuckling later Trisha's embarrassment had died down and she returned to being the diamond that she is.

Lisa bought me a book yesterday by the relationship consultants on 'Sex and the city' called 'he's just not that into you', and what a book it is! every guy should own one just to know what women are thinking. It's full of gems such as "breakup sex still means you are broken up", "it doesn't count unless he says I love you when he is sober..." and "there's never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent danger". It is a fucking marvellous book, available from Amazon and written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccilo. Thats what i will be reading for the rest of the day..

...of course Pipkin was a naughty squirell who kept putting his nuts on display...

my birthday last year Posted by Hello

Saturday, January 22, 2005

A peacock ruined my feather display tactics. was the third time that it had occurred since grandma had caught her left breast in the mangle...

Evil bitch motherfucker bastard...sorry Tourettes writing took over then! Had a great time last night at the pub, all friends were on really good form especially Steve (ooh a new name i hear you all cry!) who joined us last night. He doesn't get out a lot but makes up for it when he does! A true bon viveur and raconteur. I was forced (well cajouled at least) to drink a lovely Kriek beer to finish off the night (sour cherry flavoured beer) which i absolutely adore and it gives you that final push over the edge from being fairly coherent to drunk tosser.

Two evictions in Big Brother..Caprice (buy me buy me) did a good job of looking shocked and pretty and later it was Jeremy's (watch me watch me) turn and he did a marvellous portrayal of shocked and hurt...they ought to watch out as they will be offered Coronation Street or Eastenders contracts as soon as they hit the streets. So what are we left with in the house...a drug addict, an oversexed great dane and a little boy who hasn't got a clue...hmmm who shall win...

Having dinner with some older people this evening. Martin is having a new years dinner for his residents so there should be lots of drooling, spittle and frolics and thats just from me. One of the has been circuit entertainers will no doubt be belting out songs from the shows because no other am dram company will have her and the residents will end up stuffed and happy. I shall probably over indulge in wine and settle into a nice oblivious corner...

...there were tears when Petra found out that she was named after the Blue Peter dog...

when the madness has faded

...he ran as quick as he could but the giant antelopes hooves were just inches from his face...

Don't you just hate people who love the sound of their own voice and think they are so fucking funny all the time. I listened to one today and all people thought was how insensititive, rude, sad, embarrassing and pitiful he was. I pray to God (although he doesn't exist...see previous entries) that i will never inherit this trait and i will always be a whining moody shit like i always have been!

been really tired today, really having trouble summing up the energy to even go to the pub tonight but we shall see, I may suddenly spurt (ooer!) at around 8pm which will turn me into Friday beer monster. Martin was angry with me today, I could tell. We were in a training course and i was really struggling getting the guts to stand up to present a joint effort to the team and I gave up in the end, i just couldn't do it. I really have to sort my screwy head out, I just get so frightened by people looking at me...its one of those weird own personal foible!

I don't even care who wins Big Brother now, it seems to have develope4d into a 'love me, love me' competition with each person flirting with the viewers affections..oh well we shall see what happens...this blog seems a bit doom and gloom today..perhaps i will feel a bit better tomorrow.

...seth the puppy didn't seem the slightest bit ashamed about making the mess on uncle franks trouser leg..

Friday, January 21, 2005

nuff said! Posted by Hello

wee me! Posted by Hello

small ones are the juiciest

forgot to share this yesterday...more blog later today!

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....
and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry,
and once againhe replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away, tears were streaming downher face.
The boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever!
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die...

just to show you how things could be interpreted differently...

Don't eat the yellow snow yoko ono!

..."Time for bed", said Zebedee...

After my notes of yesterday, God does not exist, I now live in a Godless world but mind you Buddha seems a good bet so i might have a go at that one. In a Godless world within minutes you will have women marrying women, men marrying men, and brothers having babies with sisters or cousins (what do you mean i'm too late!)...ah so we didn't need a God after all for debauchery and happiness...what a waste of the last thousand years!

I'm working my little (okay, BIG) butt off again tonight, mind you they always say that there is no rest for the must have been that xmas I got pissed on communal wine and sucked off the vicar..would that have done it?

I am very close to asking Lisa to set the date now...I just have to get enough courage to blurt it out and say to her.."When are we going on holiday"...Egypt is getting a bit full at the moment because of tess the tsunami so we shall have to do it soon, then i shall be at peace within.

Oooh 'White Noise' with Michael Keaton in it is very very creepy...

..."fuck off", said Dougal...

Thursday, January 20, 2005

looking through the fabric swatches of life!

..."oh good heavens" Tim said, "I've never seen a cat with an ingrown toenail before"...

Today i was visited by a magical frog...his name was jean-claude and he was a conjurer from Paris ...but seriously, something magical happened today and my eyes were opened to a part of my inner self that i didn't know existed. Martin had been laying into me over the last few months how i should stand up for myself and not be used by people in romance...well i finally see the light, I don't care whether people love me or not because I AM A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE, no one will ever think, look or act the same as me ever. So whatever happens, happens and i will never look back on the past and reflect sorrowfully. Piddy77 is looking forward, now and forever....(hooray, bravo..shouts the crowd)

After that bit above there is meant to be a big musical number with dancing and everything, but i didn't quite have the budget, but i'm sure you get the idea...

Dear God...please let Bez be kicked out of Big Brother tonight, is that too much to ask. I know I only contact you when its really important so I thought I'd ask for something menial and trivial for a change...if you don't sort this out for me then I'm afraid I will definitely have to believe that you don't exist...not that that is a threat or anything..but just make sure ...alright?...oh i forgot...Amen

...the bluberries all shreeked as the bottle of blackcurrant cordial was passed around the dinner table...

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

a wormhole, a wormhole, my kingdom for a wormhole!

...she considered it but in the end was not swayed by the chocolate covered tofu that was put in front of her...

Today I am suffering from writers happens to us all occasionally, i could just sit here for hours and hours and it just won't happen. I could try it by hand instead of machine but that doesn't work either. I have no mental or physical stimulation today. Something happened today which I can't really share at the moment...and now i really don't know what to do. That is my quandry and that is why i have writers block.

...and thats why percy was the nicest bulldog in the world...

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

sunset today... Posted by Hello

3 kittens in a basket doesn't make it a party!

...the wind whistled through jemima's tousled hair as her tongue danced wildly like never before...

My friend Gina (see picture below) is killing herself...that's the only way I can put it. She decided to stop smoking a couple of weeks ago and has been led astray on quite a few occasions now. I managed to give up 7 months ago so I can lead by example. I wanted to tell her publicly though that I don't want to see her die because I love her too much. Gina, the need to give up was there a couple of weeks back, don't turn into a maybe, just do it, I believe in you!...

work was good today, not one complaint from over the weekend so all was calm and delightful, well that was until one of the residents got her foot caught in a drain and we had to prise her out with a stick!

I was told today by 3 people that I should marry Lisa and I really would if she would have me, but Lisa would want more than just friendship, servitude and all the chocolate money would buy...wouldn't she ? :-)

They really ought to bring back Jackie Stallone with her own TV programme called "Kiss my assss" or something in that vane, we miss her terribly. I just wanted to give them Botox filled lips a good old smacker and ask her to grin just for the entertainment value of her trying...Meow!

...tristram felt very relieved when he finally managed to peel his banana properly...

Monday, January 17, 2005

Gina... Posted by Hello

Sunday, January 16, 2005

An angel in the litter bin.

...petulent child, cackled aunt emily as Dan prodded her with a big stick...

Morning folks...well it had to happen...opened the paper this morning and saw a picture of a thai lady (bless 'em) holding up a Tsunami 2004 souvenir T-shirt which they are selling at the resorts to tourists. The T-shirt has got a picture of a huge wave with the date and on the back it had a list of all the places it ravaged....not quite sure how i feel about the ethics on this one!

well, we had a lovely dinner last night, the dauphenoise potatoes turned to minted new potatoes and the julienne vegetables turned into sesame stir fried mushroom medley but the steak was as promised! Dessert was fabby and a generally stuffed feeling was felt by both of us...I can honestly say i don't think i will ever love any one as much as my friend lisa...( the sick bucket!)

Have decided to have a chill out day today, have just had a lovely oil soaked bath and will now lounge about in robe all day watching films and just mellowing, ready for the rigours of monday morning. I have a sort of an afterglow feeling today and wish all of my readers a peaceful and harmonious day...

..."hit it, hit it quick", said the others as they saw it move for one last time...

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Kiss as many frogs as you like !

...oh my babies, who's going to care for us now that daddys run off with the postman...

Well bang goes the Malteser cake for this evening, the shopkeeper told me that because of the Tsunami there has been a world shortage of Maltesers (something to do with where they make the malted middle bit) but i didn't really believe him as he was smirking while he was talking to me...have decided to make tarte au citron instead which should be most nice...

Jackie Stallone was kicked out of the Big Brother house, I think thats a real shame as she had more sort of freakish entertainment value than John Macririck. Jackie is like a train crash waiting to happen and it was hysterical when they were interviewing her afterwards because she still didn't know where she was or what she had to do...hilarious!

well i must start cooking now so i shall leave you all to enjoy your Saturday and catch up with you tommorow... Frank made plans to explore one of the 6 other deadly sins after a good nights sleep...

Pooper scoopers' do have other uses!

...Alan wondered what all the commotion was until he saw the flying saucer above him...

well well well, friday friday friday...the end of the week is here and so i bring you all good cheer, tis time for merriment not vex, so lets get down to dirty sex...well a single guy can hope can't he...i think that little rhyme there was worthy of a martin comment i do believe.

I was run ragged today at work, it doesn't happen very often so i shouldn't really moan, but today i only had time for 3 cups of coffee instead of the usual 5...shocking, and i think i might have to get the union involved due to me having rights as a caffeine do i stand with the european court of law with that one then?

Mary had a little dress, it was almost split in half, and everytime that mary moved you could almost see her calf. Mary had another dress, slit right up the front...she doesn't wear that one much!

I am cooking for Lisa tomorrow evening, Martin can't join us as he is away so i thought i might treat lisa to homemade chunky leek and potato soup with the main course being steak in a herby butter sauce served with dauphinoise potatoes and julianne vegetables followed by a homemade chocolate malteser cake with fresh does that sound?

...only then did she realise the significance of the dead cat hanging outside her aunties door...

Friday, January 14, 2005

The wonderful world of Avocados

...billy really regretted not listening to his teacher when they were learning how to make choux pastry...

OH MY GOD...episode 3 of Desperate Housewives, what a hoot! Best line of the evening was at the dinner party...said to all guests..."Rex cries when he ejaculates"...oh how i laughed!!

I have decided to investigate the fact that i may have lived once before as a Chinese emperor or or Chinese royalty. I just have these feelings of affinity with anything Oriental, the music, the food etc...but what really made me think was when these two girls passed me in the street this morning and said that i looked like a right Minger...I was dead excited....

I've had enough today, England is probably the worst place i have ever lived, the people are always moaning, the weather is always shite, the economy is crap, most people have a bad standard of living and the food is expensive in supermarkets and restaurants...anyone have any suggestions what we can do?

Someone has just explained Minger to me...I am weeping quietly in the corner...

Jackie Stallone...marvellous or medusa?

...toby's ear went flying into the air and ended up in the mouth of the excited badger nearby...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Me looking angelic! Posted by Hello

...It's just around the corner...

...and the noise of his breathing was magnified a thousand times...

Matt (see pic below) came up with a great one today, "Why do we have pubic hair?", and you know I haven't got an answer, completely bloody if anyone has some respectable ideas please leave a comment!

I have decided to not pursue or ressurect my stage career after all , my voice is simply not good enough anymore, i really can't reach the notes required unless i stand there squeezing my testicles for a couple of hours, so i shall bow out gracefully with happy memories of musical productions past...

I was laughed at today because somebody asked me what i was doing this evening and i told them that i had to tidy up a bit as my cleaner was coming in tomorrow. whats wrong with that, i can't have her thinking that i live in a pig sty!...bless Pam and all that she does, she keeps my life on the edge instead of decending into total chaos!

I spent the morning with some very attractive

...then Tamsin spat out the cream and wondered what she had done with the rest of the lemon meringue pie...

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

matt thinking about pubic hair! Posted by Hello

piddy hits the motherload!

...and then the magic happened...

Been reading all about the South Beach diet again today...the book is really well written and the recipes look easy enough to stick to...I'm inspired, so in a couple of weeks I will begin my quest to find my thin inner me...again!

My friend took his little girl to the airport today to meet their Grandmother off the plane, he didn't know that a plane load of tourists had just unloaded from Thailand and as they saw the grandmother he shouted to his little girl "Wave"....hundreds of people ran screaming from the arrival lounge and chaos ensued.

We now like the fact that you can get Lap Band operations on the NHS in the UK...well worth considering if the diet doesn't work! All you have to do is live with a life of eating mush and chewing your food about 500 times...hmmm

...Barnaby stared intently, he had never seen someone naked before...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Pineapple head

...It was fruitless, and so was the other orange tree...

its official, today in the paper it states that women and gay guys prefer girth to length...Now I am not going to comment on this piece of news in order not to incriminate myself...But I expect most of the guys I have been out with are very happy reading this!

something sad happened today, somebody aged 85 looked at me straight in the eyes and said "Whatever you do Neil, don't be alone when you get to my age"...pow!...That really hit home. For all their eccentricities and annoyances older people are a lot wiser than most people believe. From now on this person shall be known as Yoda (well in my own mind anyway!)

Is Team America racist, sexist, ageist, homophobic and vile...yes, but it's also so fucking funny. A great effort from the makers of South Park...the puppet sex has to be seen to be believed! Well done guys!

...portia ripped the tutu in half and scampered off down the corridor to find another hobby...

Sunday, January 09, 2005

A hamster stole my knitting wool

...thats funny she replied, it's never tickled like that before...

Oh joy of joys! The BBC did a great job last night of showing "Jerry Springer, The Opera" totally uncensored. Who would ever have thought we could sing along with such classics as '3 nippled cousin fucker' in the comfort of our own home. Just to say the musical was an outrageous 2 hours of fun...lets have more musicals on tv please!

This is an early Sunday morning entry for me as I have to work later on today, suffice to say that the funny button has not kicked in yet and so i may not appear my usual riotous self!

Exciting news looks like Bedfordshire has been chosen for the new fishy eden project type thing that they have all been wittering about for the last few months (for our American cousins its sort of a Sea World study type centre without whales and manatees)..lots of tourism, jobs and ....well, fish! I am actually pleased about this and hopefully it will get off the ground in the next few years.

Have to practice the audition piece today, ready for the singing bit again tomorrow so will now be stretching vocal chords for a while...

...and everyone thought that Puffy was a funny old stick...

bedford fog Posted by Hello

Saturday, January 08, 2005

A chagrin in time saves nine...

...and then the detective noticed the smile on the aardvarks face...

Ah bless...spent the afternoon yesterday helping aged parents set up their email and internet..welcome mum and dad to the world of cyberspace...

we all went to the pub last night and a jolly time was had by all, no mention of xmas or new year, it's as if it never happened...did it actually happen ? or is it all existential ? Did we suffer mass hysteria for two days and think that we actually ate all that food and drunk all that drink?...or did we do it?...hmmm

Received the "South Beach Diet Cookbook" from Amazon looks like it might be worth a try...any fad is a good fad!

Spent the morning watching "The Darkness", a bloody good creepy film for those dark winter nights...peeled myself off the ceiling twice so thats quite a good rating for modern day horror films.

Lets all email the BBC to stop censorship...I for one want to hear Jeremy Paxman talking about male circumcision at breakfast time!...yeah right!

...zing went the strings of his heart...

Friday, January 07, 2005

is it? you really think so? was an alligator...

I glided around the corridors of hell today possessed like a brother of the devil, suffice to say I received strange looks of concern from the residents and upset a few small children on the way. As it was Friday it was a very pleasant day...pleasant enough to feed off memories of Tuscan skies and fine wine, pleasant enough to feed off memories of the first orgasm and even pleasant enough to feed off the memories of getting lost as a child and crying for mummy...

The work day is over...all heil the conquering night, pub night!

Hmmm Celebrity big brother eh? about 7 has beens and a maddo! (allegedly), that seems to be a nicer ring for the programme title...I mean fancy putting brigitte neilsen in a house full of namby brits and germaine greer...give her a few hours and the tits will be out and she will be wrestling around on carpets with dwarves...that woman will do anything for money!

...swish was the last sound he heard as the stench invaded his nostrils...

Party poem

Written by my mate, very unpolitically correct but bloody funny....enjoy ...and thanks to Martin for letting me publish it!

Party Poem

The room is oh so silent
Now everyone has gone
I thought she might have stopped the night
The fat one with the thong

Everyone said she was desperate
So a bee line for her i made
But i couldn't get my arms around her
She said her name was jade

And so the drinks were flowing
More beautiful she looked
I said I wanted to have sex with her
But every bedroom was booked

She sat on the floor legs wide apart
But her folds they hid her fanny
And in the corner the lady with a deep voice
Yes every party has a tranny

But then my fat friend disappeared
They said she,d just been sick
So I looked around they was all beautiful now
So I thought id take my pick

Tranny in the corner leave it out
Or mrs loud mouth over there
Look at me im beautiful
Or the other fat one in the chair

To be honest with you I was to drunk now
I could never ever perform
And so the door I must show them
I chucked some out on the lawn

And so the house is quiet
Now everyone has gone
I thought she might have stopped the night
The fat one in the thong

Martin Kuklys Jan 2004

Truly, madly beeply...

...and in the blink of an eye, it was gone....

well, decided to go and sing through the Titanic musical, looks like it might be a bit of a hoot so will go back next week and warble away but not actually look forward to the audition process where you have to stand and sing in front of a panel of four mean faced bastards who then decided whether they want you for their show or i was told last time that i was "too big and too fat for the stage and should be in a choir instead", i don't actually hold out much hope...but we shall have a go. As was said of Fed Astaire, "can't sing, can't dance and his actings not up to much" !

Now isn't Desperate Housewives something else, it's sort of Peyton Place in Stepford...I think I shall hang on every lacivious word of this series and revel in every campy detail...oh boy the next few weeks should be fun...

Litigious...i really like this word so much, couldn't find a reason to use it though so have just written it for you in all its naked glory...please enjoy and savour it for the special word that it is.

Home-made vanilla ice cream all gone now...will try another Nigella thing as the next cooking experiment...

Thursday, January 06, 2005

the french lieutenants woman... Posted by Hello

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Todays post headline is the name of the most amazing film I have seen in a long time, Bill Murrays new film is just pure genius and today is dedicated to it...

If ants made friends with anteaters, what would anteaters eat?

Today was a bit of a non-day today, i really hate the sudden stop in events after the christmas period, i think it affects everybody and everywhere you go you can see people walking around in sort of a glazed state trying to readjust to normality and humdrumness.

Todays big question I make a return to the amateur stage. Tonight there is a read through of "Titanic" the musical which I have been invited to but I don't know whether I can face the tumoil of theatre rehearsals and performance again, its been about 4 years since I was last on stage and I really don't know if I have got it in me anymore...I have half an hour to decide...

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

what a day for a daydream...

...and so the nerve jangling voices of a manifold of older people gathered nearer and nearer as I approached my office on the first day back to work...the day consisted of hearing how ill people had been, wether the turkey had too many bones in it or questions about the whereabouts of her from 54 or him from 102...and so the day passed by.

Home now and feeling a bit tired, always seems to take it out of you when you have been ill for the few days before and pissed for the week before that!

I was watching football on telly and i thought that it was nice that the newcastle fans were shouting out for the wave charity...then someone pointed out that they were actually chanting "toon army" and not "Tsunami" as I had misheard...doh!

Martin sent a text today...blame him...all it said was "Happy Easter and have a wonderful 2001 from the local Alzheimers society"...very very drole.

2005 is off and running...i now accept the mission to pin people down to holiday dates and commitment so we can get these fuckers me to the moon etc...etc......singing trailing off into the distance until you really can't here me singing anymore...

Monday, January 03, 2005

thoughtful martin Posted by Hello

sweet lisa Posted by Hello

In Dreams...

"In dreams...I walk with you

In dreams...I talk to you

In dreams...Your mine

All of the time

We're together

In dreams...In dreams"

Don't know why but the words of Roy Orbison kept coming to me this morning, so as an exercise in catharthis I have shared them with you all so perhaps they might drift away on a tuneful horizon.

Feeling wistful today, back on form, saw some people today which was unusual because i felt that i had lost the art of verbal communication and scampered back upstairs as soon as possible. I'm sure this blog makes me sound quite mad sometimes, but hey!, what is a world without different personalities.

Martin (picture above) came to see me and we caught up on what was happening during my illness. Absolutely fuck all in fact! I missed seeing Lisa (picture above) though as she is my special angel ^0^ and needs looking after more than martin : ) Martin gave me some sad but not unexpected news that he would not be joining us on our next trip to it's me and lisa again, unless we pull and then we can have harem in tow!

Just making some home-made vanilla ice cream which I shouldn't eat but bugger it, I deserve it!

I'm SPECIAL, get used to it! : )

Sunday, January 02, 2005


This morning I walked into the light...don't worry I didn't die or anything, its just that the sun was shining through the balcony doors so i went and stood there for a while, encased in its cocoon of warmthness (is that a real word, if not it should be). Today am feeling good, have got over past few days problems, am just over a stone lighter and am now looking forward to seeing my friends after my self quarantine since Wednesday.

I was reading a letter this morning in the paper which quite shocked me, it was from a vicar in the west midlands who announced to his flock that it was Gods will for the Tsunami to happen and that a natural disaster of this proportion has to happen every few decades to enable stability of the world population...makes you think doesn't it? Do the phrases God's will and natural disaster sit well together?...

Decided not to overdo it today as still pretty weak so will catch up with you all tomorrow.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

taken from my rooftop hideaway. if every day could be this glorious... Posted by Hello

whoopee doo 2005!

Okay guys, its 2005 and I aim to be positive and upbeat but still remain a little sarcastic and cast my net of irony along the way...

I'm still ill...thats all i shall say on the matter, but it makes you realise how much shit there is on the television when you have nothing better to do. 200 channels of absolute tripe last night. I need wit, humour and intelligence and all i got was clips of actors screwing their lines up, assorted performing animals falling off tables and safe family programmes all night because the tv executives realise that children have been left to fend for themselves while their parents are pissed out of their heads in the corner of the living room....happy new year

I was woken up at midnight by the sounds of fireworks, hooters and shouting but that was nice because it meant to me that we had finally made it a new year, one that i am sure will glow with glorious sunrises and a positive aura...