Matt's vacances en France...

I did not know at the time but when I booked the ferry to and from France it would be right at the start of the 2006 World Cup, this turned out to be really important. On the way out of boat was fairly empty as you would expect for crossing the started at 25, six in the morning. There were however The odd dedicated fan who was planning I suspect drive across France and into Germany. The main problem was on the return journey. Tee time on a Sunday He’s not the best time travel back from France on the ferry you end up having to share the boats with lots of idiots turning with two much booze from a cheap weekend being good Europeans. The problem however was heightened By those of sweaty fat English people exposed in two much pasty flesh and at least one red stripe on a white background. The back ground more often than not was the pasty white flesh slightly sweaty and just beginning to turn nicely pink.

You know as a kid I used to sit in front of the television and watch adverts and it was only a few weeks ago that I found myself wondering what had happened to a company called “Brentford nylons” I know no they just stopped making sheets when sensible people found out what a crackpot products nylon was and started making replica forkball kits. Because let's face it most football fans haven’t got the foggiest idea about the difference between plastic and cotton.

Don’t get me wrong I love my country, I want my team to do well in the World Cup, hey I would be over the moon if we actually won but I do find most British fans especially when I encounter them abroad to be a total embarrassment and usually make me wish at best I was somewhere else and the worst that I’d never been born British. Actually scratch that, replace British with English as they seem to be by far the biggest pains about when abroad.

As usual the French roads were absolutely fantastic by the time the ferry docked and we had added on the extra hour it was 08:45 by the time we dropped at Calais this meant by British standards I would be driving out of a major port in rush hour. Perhaps it's the fact that France is such a big country and because of this the population is so spread out but the roads out of Calais were like the Sunday afternoon in dear old blighty. Actually that's not true on the way back we landed at Dover at about 18:30 and the traffic home was awful

The rest of the time in France was fantastic; the weather was great I don’t think it dropped below 32 during a whole stay there. Why do we in Great Britain seem to spend our time taking the piss out of the French. Why? I personally have always found the French to be very polite and very sociable, and a very artistic and intellectual nation of people, of course they should still be referred to as “cheese eating surrender monkeys” at every opportunity. It’s funny sometimes how you make judgments about groups of people without really knowing much about them, so as a sort of tribute here are a few famous quotes about the French
Until next week

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks
it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain.

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
General George S. Patton.

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
Norman Schwartzkopf.

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin.

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any
better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in
Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than
sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know."
P.J O'Rourke (1989).

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it."
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam
Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret.
He is French, people."
Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either"
Jay Leno.

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag."
David Letterman


War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.

"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says
'First Iraq, then France.'"
Tom Brokaw.

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its
national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller.

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us."
Alan Kent

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an
attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a
three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never fired.
Dropped once.'" Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found
truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you
are French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army
as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known,
it's never been tried."

Rep. R. Blount (MO)

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII?
And that's because it was raining."

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The
rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed
France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use
of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly
fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris,
caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a
group of Czech tourists.

Matt x