The title of todays blog is by the master of lyrics Stephen Sondheim and it really is all about peoples thought processes. A week has gone by and I've had time to reflect on a few things from the past. Using my current 'what if'? mentality I got to thinking about how things might have been different if my life had taken different routes..
what if i had carried on to college straight after school, would that have made me a different person? would i have been able to follow a more artistic path by mingling with all the bohemian folks that the college nurtured? would i now be a playwright or a screenplay writer or even a director?
what if I hadn't kissed a guy for the first time when i was 13, would things have turned out differently, would i be married with kids or would I have still turned out to be the sensitive queen that I ended up!
what if my father hadn't bought us back from living in South Africa, would I have turned into one of the white supremists that currently inhabit the underbelly of the country or would i still have fought against apartheid and marched for the release of Mandela?
what if i didn't turn away love as i do now just for pure selfish reasons, what if i let somebody invade my space, would i be living in a happy partnership or would i be in one of those fickle gay relationships that last a year or two and then you have to start again?
Is it worth thinking 'what if'? You have to ask yourself what it achieves..for me personally it has dragged up a myriad of unanswerable questions. Some people have said that you musn't dwell on the past, but if you don't how do you know where you have gone wrong and how can you look at changing things without reflective practice. In my life I have made many many mistakes, I'll admit to most! I've involved myself in ALL aspects of nightclub culture, I've had liasons with famous people just because i could but in those dim and distant days I was living for the moment. I lived my life in a hedonistic sense not caring about consequences and impact...until now..... now I have become a house cat, content to lounge in jog pants with a tub of Ben and Jerrys and a bottle of wine, sometimes wallowing in self pity at low points but on the other hand sharing hysterical laughter with friends and confidentes. Where do i go now, something is missing from my life...is it a person or is it something as materialistic as a 'thing' that i don't own. Am i looking for something spiritual?, i don't know...I've explored many aspects of new age living relying on being guided by fantastic tales of Buddha or mystical tales of Knights Templars but what is the answer....I hope to God someone can tell me........
Part 2 of 'My Kingdom' will appear on Monday.
Tomorrow night is Robbie Williams night, live from Berlin on Channel 4 and I shall be sharing this moment with my guiding light Lisa. Congratualtions on the new album Robbie if you are reading this...it's a masterpiece!
Tomorrow I will be presenting part 1 of a story written by our Steve...I really can't wait for you to read it...until then
peace and out...Neil x