the sad blog...

today i'm sad....it's a sadness that only people who are sad understand how sad it feels...don't know why, perhaps things are getting on top of me one way or the other. I try so hard everyday to be a bright and cheery little soul but you know, life is shit sometimes and there ai'nt nothing you can do about the fucker.

It's funny that when you feel sad you can look around and find sadness in most things...the grey day, the unhappy and lonely people walking the streets, the old ruined buildings, needles in gutters, kids in dirty jumpers playing with broken bicycle wheels, little dogs running around collarless and hungry, 'closing down' notices in private shops, the hearse leaving from the local funeral directors etc etc...

Even my music cannot raise a cheer today, I keep finding myself playing the same melancholy favourites, it's like i need to wallow in self pity for a while just to get it out of my system...but i HATE that feeling, when it happens I just want to curl up womb like and cry...fuck...I suppose KS not replying to my email is screwing me up a lot too. I sometimes feel like I do my best writing in my down days, perhaps it's sort of a self destruct thing... a bottle of wine, a PC and the literary world is your oyster...you can become really selfish too, like I really don't care who reads this or what you think about it, but be grateful for me writing this because it's probably doing me good.

I feel sometimes that I was put on this earth for a reason, but after 42 years I'm still looking for what that reason was...I wonder if I'll ever know or will my life come to a full stop before I have had time to insert a pregnant pause (sorry, a literary joke there!). Don't get me wrong, I've had really fun times travelling the world with my family, visiting places that some people have only ever dreamed of, I've had great times in my social life too, in fact more up days than down...if only life could imitate art I'd make a great cartoon character!

...but today I'm sad...and it's a sadness that only people who are sad understand how sad it feels...

Neil x