Hooray...All is well in the house of Piddy!

...'Snap', came the sound, as Tigger bounced on his tail for the very last time...

The Joys of Sex - your problems answered (as good as the answers can be, anyway!)...

"Dear Piddy, I am having a problem maintaining an erection when having sex, do you have any ideas"...Dear Drooper, I suggest you get your boyfriend/girlfriend to suck on an ice lolly long and hard whilst you are naked. Once they are finished, ask them to tie the stick round your knob and hey presto! a perfect splint...not really useful for intercourse though or hand jobs.

"Dear Piddy, I am a lady of 30 and I cannot seem to achieve an orgasm when pleasured by my lesbian friend"...Dear Butch, I have a small trick for you to try, get a small make up sponge and fill it with as much water and honey mixture as you can, then insert as far into your lady garden as possible. When you are being pleasured by your dykie friend just squeeze your muscles as hard as you can and a flood of sweet juice will flow, okay it won't feel the same for you but it will shut the other bitch up.

"Dear Piddy, Can you please tell me if the rhythm method works?"... Dear Dancemeister, it depends what gramophone record you are doing the deed to, obviously a waltz is nice and fucking to the blue danube is a favourite of more genteel ladies but if you want a real down and dirty bang try Riverdance, frantic and fun when trying to stamp your feet at the same time.

That's all the questions we have time for today, more soon...

Day 156. I have fallen pregnant, papa says it must have been immaculate unless he was terribly drunk and mistook me for one of the mill girls who seem to be living with us now. He is at his wits end, Tina is furious and I have been talking to nuns ensuring my safe escape when the time comes...I am no longer allowed to wear a white wimple.

Piracy downloading versus a trip to the cinema...
What do i get when i download the latest films from the internet?, a comfy chair that I am used to, a pause button for when needs be, a fully stocked kitchen ready for stomach gratification at the drop of a hat, peace and quiet, concentration, a bottle of wine, total involvement with aforementioned film, gratuitous sobbing if needs be, a toilet within 3 metres and finally satisfaction and contentment.

What do i get when I visit the cinema?, a torn fold down excuse for a chair that has copious amounts of black 5 year old chewing gum on it, a snack bar that insists on selling giant size items for extortionate prices (this isn't too bad if you need supplies for 'Gone with the wind' at nearly four hours but when its 'Spongebob Squarepants the Movie' at 70 minutes then its a bit of a fucking rip off), constant talking bickering snoring moaning coughing sneezing bastards (and also the wanker that insists on telling his mate in front of you what the fuck is going to happen in the next half hour), the inability to concentrate on the film at all because the sound is too fucking quite and the screen is smaller than the widescreen tv at home, no wine or beer, no involvement at all with film, no emotional outburts except to tell the kids behind you to stop kicking the fucking chair and then having to deal with the raging parent whose kid you have just made cry, a five mile fucking hike to the toilets which are always flooded and stink of piss and puke, no satisfaction and the loss of the will to live at the end of the film.

Thats why i will remain a pirate for evermore...amen.

...Tristram farted and everyone looked around and laughed at him, and suddenly the funeral wasn't sad anymore...

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...Mindy sighed as Chav finished going down on her and just had enough breath to tell the assistant it was take-away and not eat-in...