Happy Thanksgiving you Turkeys!

Happy days to all our American friends today...hope you get stuffed on pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes with butter and cream, pecans and anything else that is overloaded with cholesterol!

Football....hmmmm...grrrr....I will post exactly what i texted to Lisa this morning..."sorry to hear that England had to play the disabled team at last nights game. We might have actually won if there was an able bodied one amongst them!"...that about sums it up really...the manager has been booted...the fans have been pissed off, but it's what we expect in this country...lets face it guys, we are crap at anything competetive...okay maybe we stand a chance at the 'person who can eat most otters in one minute" comp, but nada apart from that. I declare English sport 'dead'

Top Tune



we've got tickets!, we've got tickets!...me and lisa toddle off to the apollo hammersmith in February...hope he has some cool guests ;)

following on from my refurbishment story the other day the electricians came back and I popped up at the time that is known as 'lunch' and nearly sobbed as i saw my apartment strewn with cables, dust, dirt and my £2000 tv and sound system sitting in the middle of it all....how i remained calm i will never know, but i did and at the end of the day i went back up to the flat and it 'nearly' looked as if nobody had been in there...except for this fine film of white dust. Well, the electricians have gone now and my kitchen units get erected tomorrow, all doors will be shut firmly so as not to attract any stray debris apart from the kitchen...lets see what happens!...

Well what about this fucker whose been burying people in backyards then...what a fucker! I came across a crime scene once and tried to report to the police that a man in black had killed hundreds of people and had buried them in a big field by an unused building...it was the talk of the village when hundreds of armed responses stormed his hideout...the vicar of the local church and cemetary was not amused...

top film



out now on dvd and very tremendous it is too...not at all what i expected!

ciao x

How Fabulous is this?

whizzy bits!

Being about one step behind your average blogger I have only just noticed the new blog page elements that you can add...so....first of all we have a survey to your right, please join in...also if it works there is a flickr slideshow at the bottom of the page...very soothing and enjoyable.

gay chat, online dating and social events

The link above is active...there will be a little competition, the person who gets the most people to sign up to the website in a week will win a nice prize (to be decided), go and have some friendly banter, it's NOT a dating site but dates can and do happen, if you are out for sex and sleaziness please go to Gaydar!

what have i been doing since last wednesday I hear you cry...well I have been stressing over builders! They started work on my new kitchen yesterday and the first day went well, they stripped all the old units out, ripped off all the wallpaper (and half the plaster) and I went back at the end of the day and all was well..today, now thats a slightly different matter...the electricians moved in to completely rewire the whole apartment, there is trunking everywhere, there are holes in the walls and ceilings..all of which will be 'patched up by the decorator' (i hope he has some magic fucking plaster)...I went back home this evening and it looks like R2D2's innards strewn all over the place...they put their boots all over my bedding, all over my kitchen stuff without a care in the world...and to top it off one of them had a shit in my bathroom! god help me, they are back tomorrow...all i wanted was a nice new kitchen ;(

Great film alert...American Gangster...Ridley Scott's latest epic thrasing in at around 2hrs 45 mins...Russell Crowe is excellent, Denzel Washington is sublime. A bit gruesome in places but not unnecessarily so. Watch and revel in the late 60's / early 70's atmosphere. (warning: does contain racist language pertinent to the era)



Aw, my partner Mike has flown all the way to Arizona to see his brother and left me in the cold cold english winter. I do miss him but i did fly off to Egypt without him for two weeks, so alls fair!...for those people asking, Lisa and 3Steel are very well and may well get coerced into writing a bit now and then if they wish to...perhaps we could have a poll on it!

More on Thursday...take care of yourselves...

ciao x

I WiLl sOON HAve mY DaY...I aM cOmiNG...

Pixies stole my toothbrush and used it to clean an elephants bottom...

hellooee

how the devil are you...thanks for turning up to read...

1. http://www.wedigtv.com/
why am i promoting this you ask..because its gonna get you hooked like a pure dose of smack, it's going to overtake your finger control on the keyboards, it's going to take over your life...well, am i being a bit dramatic, yes...but it is a rather good tv game show website using the latest tv2 technology...you are the star of such programmes as 'deal or no deal' ' the price is right' 'family fortunes' etc etc...all with your favourite tv hosts...a great way to spend hours. I love the site and I wanted to rave about it a bit more but as the site is in beta form they still have a few problems to sort out such as lagging and freezing (PLEASE SEE ADDENDUM BELOW), which is most annoying when you have got to a banker offer of 125000 and can't take it any further...it's bloody good though and hopefully will only improve with age.

ADDENDUM,after a week of emailing to and fro to the lovely man Jack at wedigtv they finally have seemed to sort the server out and everything is pretty much perfect. The only problem is I am wasting too much time on the site and I have now got a cupboard full of Vanish carpet cleaner and have booked five trips to Disneyland ,you will see what I mean when you play the games on www.wedigtv.com...go play!

2. why are people in the medical and healthcare industry all so fucking moody. They treat people like shit, moan about pay (excuse me, but who chose to go into that career path when you knew what the wages were) and now some carers are threatening to go on strike because they don't like going around at night by themselves. Fucking namby pamby society, we ALL want money for doing nothing but lets face it it doesn't happen very often. I know where carers are coming from (i've been there cleaning peoples shit and wouldn't do it again) but to threaten to withdraw help from an old and frail person just to get your own way is monstrous, vindictive and a downright uncaring attitude...not something someone would expect from a carer. Social Services aren't really bothered though as there are many many immigrants from all over the world just waiting to step into the renegade carers footsteps. Unfortunately the majority of professional carers these days would have found it difficult to find another job elsewhere due to their lack of intelligence. Doesn't this story just underline that fact!

3. that reminds me...have i told you about the time a chap i was caring for passed a constipated bowling ball and it rolled off into the hallway with me chasing after it...thought not!

4. top tune



An oldie but goodie...allison and will have a new album coming soon :)

5. MOBY has announced his new album release for February called 'Last Night'..it promises to deliver more in the way of dance and techno beats than the last three albums. Can't wait :) Please let their be a tour to promote it.

more more more....encore encore......not now i'm too tired... ciao x

I Am A StAlkER...MY NaMe iS NOt ImPOrtANT AT ThiS tIME...I WiLl USe PIDDyS PLace aS MY New HOMe...I LIKe to wATch...

The thief of my heart....

My heart was stolen once again by the beautiful and lovely Sinead o'connor at the Royal Festival Hall in London...an amazing set, her voice was more thrilling and perfect than ever. She wooed me with songs old and new and by the end of the evening I was smitten once more....its nice to rekindle old flames now and again :)

also a big shout out for Damien Dempsey who did a blinding support slot...check out his albums and myspace page ;)

Endless endless endless...

And so the war mongering cycle goes on and on with Prince William being allowed to lay his first wreath at the cenotaph..people do not need to see a member of royalty pretend grieving on their behalf. People have their own way of dealing with grief and remembrance, to turn it into an episode of pomp and majesty is completely wrong and i really thought that the young royalty might have made a difference, obviously not, obviously they are as stupid as their parents and grandparents...will it never end?

to the person that wrote to me privately about 'coming out' I write a public reply..."thanks for your mail, I won't bullshit, it's probably the hardest thing you will ever do and it takes a very brave person to confront the need to tell people, especially close loved ones. I unfortunately didn't get the chance as my sister outed me to my parents just before I had the chance too, it backfired on her though as my Mum and Dad have been really supportive and I would say we have grown even closer in later years. I was a late outer and in fact was ready to marry a girl quite a few years ago (shock horror!) In the end I just had to face the facts and not ruin someones life by living a lie. I really hope that you have close friends that can support you if it's rough with your family, I know I wouldn't be without mine. I don't really know what else to say, each persons experience of 'coming out' seems to be completely different, but i will say one thing and that is that i thank you from the bottom of my heart for contacting me about the issue. I really was moved and I hope you can visit the blog in time and laugh a bit more when everything settles down for you. I hope you don't mind me replying through the blog but other people may be asking themselves the same question. Do it, it makes all the difference and if i had the chance all over again I would have certainly become a public fairy a lot sooner ;) x "

The kylie show.....oh god wasn't she just fabulousness on a stick...looking a litle older but damn sexy...and i loved the hommage to the 'Agent Provocateur' advert with the bucking bronco...sheer majesty.

ciao x

Sigur Ros - Heima

Have just taken delivery of the sumptious book and double dvd box set of 'Heima' (home in icelandic). If you have never heard of Sigur Ros you still need to see this movie. It is out and out one of the best 'concert' movies I have ever seen..the premise behind it was that Sigur Ros finished their world tour and then played small little villages in Iceland for free.

The cinematography is just equisite, with amazing landscape after amazing landscape set to a soundtrack that is desolate and very very beautiful. The guys in the band throw in little interview snippets as the film goes on and you can tell how moved they were. It seemed to be a very cathartic experience for them and it shows in their amazing and uplifting musicianship.The film itself is 1hr 40 mins with 260 minutes of extra performance footage thrown in for good measure. It's a shame that it hasn't had a cinema release, it deserves to be seen on the biggest screen you can find. I really beg you to see it, even if you feel the musics a little strange, I am sure you will walk out of the viewing feeling much better about the world!

Piddys problem page...

"Dear Auntie piddy,

I find quite low ball bags quite attractive in a man and wondered if there was any exercises that I could do to improve my own shape so to speak?"

Dear ball bag fan....there is quite a simple stretching exercise that you can do. First step is to get yourself nice and warm, a bath would be a good example. Jump out of the bath and grab your scrotum at its lowest point in between the forefingers and thumbs of both hands. Now bring your sack out and up over your little person bringing it as near to your belly button as you can . Now hold for 10 seconds or more. Repeat this for about ten times a day and you shoulkd have a knee knocking ball bag in next to no time. Enjoy your scrotum

"Dear Auntie Piddy,

My mother once told me that you should not use a cat as a loofah, she told me that hamster fur was better for collecting residue fecal matter...is she having me on?"

Dear cruel bastard....if you even think of putting any animals near any fecal matter I will stretch your scrotum so hard (see exercises above) that you will scream like a girl and walk round saying 'you put the lotion on the body' in a weird creepy voice for the rest of your life.

"Dear Auntie piddy,

Is there a way to make someone in a coma really happy?"

Dear carer...yes, just switch the fucking machine off...how would you like it if you had to spend your days with tubes up your nose, down your throat, up your old man and out of your anus. How do you think it would feel to rely on fluid substitutes as food, perhaps being sub conciously aware of some fool singing your favourite song over and fucking over again just in case you decided to pull through. do you think it would make them happy?, I assure you that they would be fucking delerious.

Thats all that we have time for on the letters right now, more from auntie soon...

What about the venting I hear you cry, well I have calmed down a bit now except for the frat boys...it's an American thing that seems to be creeping into our colleges over here, but why?. . . do we really have to act like those jerk offs that show their dicks off at every opportunity to every one that will look...fuck me, it's no wonder george bush is in power if this is what america breeds...I can just see it now, President of the United States in 2054 is Bradley (9 incher) Mogwai, a 22 year old surfer dude from Santa Rosa whose party trick is to jerk off into unsuspecting friends drinks and watch them down his salty seed. He likes to party and believes that the world IS America. He has never been out of the country and looks forward to his yearly dwarf throwing tournaments with the other 465 states. This IS America , the ship of fools...Jackass

ciao x

ich bin ein berliner...

As john f kennedy once said to marilyn monroe "fuck me , is that your bush or are you wearing a small coat".

I'm still here...do not panic my petals...i have had a busy few days and will post a proper blog on thursday evening, and boy am i in the mood for venting!

topics may include...
1)Frat boys and the fraternal spirit.
2)how bad a companies management can actually be and still get away with keeping their jobs
3)the dramatic rise and fall and rise and fall and fall and once more fall again of the lovely amy winehouse.
4)Dogs - fuck buddies or pets?
5)The problems caused by going into an std clinic and saying "my dog has crabs"
6) New music, film and artsy fartsy painting installations

looking forward to seeing you here...tune in or drop out (but please don't drop out, really, I have a pepsi max addiction to feed)...i love you all...ciao x

Be afraid....be very afraid!

Lip Synching at it's best...watch it all!

Umbrella - Rihanna (lip dub in High Definition) from TP CMM on Vimeo.


lip synching at it's best and all done in one take...absolutley amazing!

Halloween spookiness!

Bugger me, it's halloween and here I am sat working in an undertakers...i've already had flickering lights that never ever flicker and a couple of temperature drops...I feel like i'm on a vigil with fucking yvette fielding and the 'Most Haunted' crew. It's a bit disconcerting but "I ai'nt afraid of no ghosts" as Ray Parker Jnr once said...bring it on!

1. Diets Ahoy!....
First of all for those that know me you will know that i am a big fat motherfucker and so I have decided to yet again do something about it. I have joined 'Slimbuddy.com' and so far results are good...I have been following their plan since last Friday and have lost 12lbs in weight. Now I know you lose more in the first week but even so it's pretty good going. I am being helped along by some wonderful Hoozier tablets (plant which is like a cactus but has amazing fat burning properties, without the shitting through the eye of a needle thing that goes on with normal fat burning tablets). If the truth was known you could see that i am just starting to make room for the xmas food and drink that I will devour, well you have to don't you!

2.Remote viewing...
Fascinating subject, just been reading about people who can explore rooms and houses by just sitting in a chair and visualising. Wouldn't that be great, you'd be able to listen in to your friends conversations until they got to the point where they say "and that wanker Neil, what a big fat motherfucker he is" and then that wouldn't be so nice. It could have it's plus points though, I could become a big fat James Bond type who wears a mumu instead of a tux, drives a mobility scooter for easy access and drinks Macdonads chocolate shakes instead of Martinis...very classy.

2a) Top Tune..




3. The good the bad and the pikey...

a)the good...Mother teresa for her work with the poor and the sick, Lt Colombo for all the crimes he solved in a raincoat. Dame Julie Andrews for incresing the tourist trade to Austria and for the fashion of dressing children up in curtains. . Dame Edna Everage for showing our royalty how a real queen should behave. Ian wright for showing people that you really can be thick AND famous. Dame Shirley Bassey for proving that not all pub singers are bad.

b) The Bad...
pooh, Christopher Robin and Roo who should really get off Eeyores case. Bob Dylan for thinking he could sing for the last hundred years. People who make films about ladies who have a terminal illness when there are children and small mammals involved. Petrol pump attendants who dribble and expect you to pay for it. George Bush for still being alive when he has 'died' in front of cameras so many times. the people who print 'small children can choke on peanuts' on packets of food.

c) the pikey...

David and Victoria,The Queen (too much bling), the pope, Pete Docherty, Tranny and Susannah.

In a perfect world I could go on for hours...ciao x

how cute...a cockatoo that dances to the backstreet boys!

Spurs that jingle jangle and a willy like a small childs arm...

...and it's a very good evening from me, your host...

1. Saudiism.....

As we speak the Queen is pandering to every need of the Saudi Arabian royal family...what the fuck!...it is them that should be pandering to us for buying huge amounts of oil at incredibly inflated prices, making the Saudi Royal family the richest uberpikies in the whole world. Of course the Queen lives in a world of her own and has no idea of the hardships her people go through on a day to day basis. "what, does one have to BUY petrol?" she asks her aide and you see the titters and tiaras roll around when she finds out the truth. Fuck her and her family, the whole place would be better under a presidency as I have said many times before...if anyone can make me angry it's her and her inbred half wits...oh, and the pope because he's a cunt.

2. Saw 4....eeek it's here...watching it tonight so will post a report in the next issue.

3. something to keep you amused....

http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/games/action/knd/hamsters/


it's just brilliant!

4. Sex talk....

What's 'fisting' all about then...I for one could not imagine anything worse than putting my hand inside somebody's rectum and using them like a glove puppet...if i wanted to do that i would have become a rural vet.

'Piss play'...why?...why would you want to roll around in something that somebody has excreted through their kidneys as by-products that their body doesn't want. If i had wanted to do that I would have got off my tits and gone into the darkroom at some god awful Ibizan club.

'Swallowing'...why all the turned up faces and squealing...its only like sucking an egg out of it's shell with added sweet and sour flavouring.

5. Ticket Prices ....(an old theme revisited)

"Hairspray" is now on sale at £60, I remember when Ellnet was £1.39 for a huge can and i thought that was expensive...seriously though, every time a new show opens in the West End the price goes up...60 pounds! For 60 pounds I would expect 4 of the 5 westlife boys singing their greatest hits, a full facial from them and have change for a packet of moist towelettes from Superdrug....60 pounds my arse...although the soundtrack is fine it ain't worth the money.

My intentions are very good, but my alter ego is very very bad...more goat soon...ciao x

Tantrums and Tiramisu

Gosh...3 blog entries in 6 days...how regimented am i being ;)

1. 30 Days of Night....
Watched this yesterday and boy oh boy its good...josh hartnett is extremely good with his little puppy eyes...it's fucking scary and gruesome, just like something out of a clive barker nightmare with vampires that have big teeth and go snackity snack on the local population...watch with your throat covered up :)

2.A New Rose....
Lets talk about Gordon Brown for a minute...let me get this straight, i do see myself as a socialist but not on the same track that the current Labour Party want to lead us down...lets face it, Gordon Brown is a shit...he is the worse possible choice for leader, his speeches are boring and he won't commit to any 'proper' policies that would do the country any good...hell,lets face it he won't even commit to the people of this country that he is meant to be looking after. If we had had an election for leader of the Party, he would not be it, plain and simple...Gordon knows this, hence his backing down from announcing a General Election recently.He is scared of David Cameron, an excellent Orator and charismatic figure...so what do we do, do we really let hime ride out his 2 years? By then he will have been ousted or unelectable...c'mon Labour Party followers, lets get vocal and get someone who can deliver something to this country once and for all.

3.The Goat and the Ambush Tree (part the third)...

Thwap!....Emery looked astonished as stood before her was a Manatee flapping it's huge sloppy tail onto the dust ground beneath it..."What the fuck?" said Emery (please not that 'fuck' will be changed to 'heck' in the childrens illustrated edition).."Manatees are meant to live in water, where did you come from?"...The manatee looked puzzled for a minute and then quietly asked Emery "have you not read the bible?"
"What's that got to do with anything" muttered Emery, now looking a little scared and apprehensive.
"It tells you where I appeared from" it replied...."I have one here, I'll show you", and with that the Manatee flipped up it's tail and magically threw a bible onto the ground before Emery. It had underlined a specific passage. "Excuse the spelling mistake" the Manatee begged and so Emery read. Emery got to the bit where it says 'and people will expect Manner from Heaven'..."thats it" cried the Manatee excitedly, "it's really meant to say 'Manatees from Heaven' but they were a little shy about correcting spelling mistakes in those days".
Emery was now very puzzled indeed, she looked inquisitively at the Manatee and asked "but why?".
The Manatee asked Emery to take rest on her haunches and began to explain it's purpose as quickly as possible...(to be continued)


One singular sensation after another....roll on.....ciao x

ooo ee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep...

1. top tunes...

band of horses



the wombats



2. Random flashes of energy...

why is a beaver called a beaver? is there a verb that i have not heard of 'to beave'? if thats the case, what is beaveing as it sounds like it might be quite fun!

Britney Spears is a cunt...it's official, really. smack headed, bald fannied, harlot starlet that thrives on bad publicity. She keeps asking for help so for gods sake somebody do it and put her out of her misery...saying that the new album is fairly listenable...therefore...full cunt status is removed and she now has the title of 'official cunt in waiting'

the pope is still a cunt....see previous blogs

In a cinema, why is there always one tiny piece of the screen that glistens bright white all through the film and really pisses you off.

I really hate walking on sticky carpets.

3.Did you know....fun fact for the day

in porn land sometimes when stars can't produce ejaculate, they mix up a batch of white cotton wool balls with nail varnish remover...apart from the smell it's quite convincing....there you go boys, if you feel tired pre fill a johnny with the mixture but whatever you do don't use it!...have your wicked way with your partner, pretend to cum, roll over, flick off the empty genuine condom and quickly pick up the pre filled one which you have secreted somewhere and hey presto...a satisfied and unaware partner with no effort on your part :)

4.The goat and the Ambush tree (part 2)

'Yes', Emery thought, 'This is indeed a strange and peculiar day'...She heard a voice resounding louder at terrifying speed coming towards her.thwap!...to be continued.

I'll be back before ye know it....ciao

Confessions of an undertakers assistant...

yip yip coyote....howdy all!

1.Whats been happening?....well the truth is i got too lazy too write! I know, how sad is that! Every proper gay guy should be ready to share all his salacious gossip at the drop of a Jimmy Choo. I'm back though and will catch up with you all on a more regular basis....first of all I have a guy in my life who is still 'the one' and i really don't expect that to change anytime soon. His name's Mike (for those of you who haven't met him) and he really is heaven and earth to me. we are very opposite but neatly entwined and it works really well because we can learn from each other and teach each other different aspects of lives rich tapestry :) He's funny, witty, charming and I really can't wait until we get our lives together and 'together', if you see what i mean!

2. The Goat and the Ambush tree.

Once upon a time, in a land that was barren and dry, there lived a goat...we shall call her Emery. Emery was 3 years old and had lived the life of a goat as only special goats do...she woke up in the morning, udders pulled and milk drained she trotted up to the highest point of the land and began her daily song...the song was a rather raucous affair and all the other goats frowned at her accordingly. For us humans it was like putting whitney houston and barbra streisand in the same room together to see who could sing the loudest, understand? Emerys song went on for about 10 minutes until Kelvin (the little boy goat from downland) kicked a stone at her which shut her up. She scowled and went on her business of munching at all the bushes and berries that she could find...these were daily events for Emery until one peculiar and rather unsettling day, something changed... (to be continued)

3. Fuck me I've really missed talking about films...I have watched so many since we talked last that i don't know where to begin...so i won't! I will start afresh with new releases as from today. The first one that i watched last night was "License to Wed"...it was a monday night so i needed something fluffy to watch, and fluffy it is indeed....it's a rather nice comedy starring Robin Williams and Mandy Moore. Yes Robin Williams pulls the old faces and mannerisms but the part of Father Jack really suits him and it turns out to be his best work in a long time. Mandy Moore brings style to the proceedings of this feel good film that is just right for a girls night in. The story isn't very taxing, Father Jack sets the couple a test before he will marry them to prove that they really do love each other, but the jokes are thick and fast and the supporting cast bring a whole lot of fun to the frothily light storyline. Its a 7/10 from Piddys Place.

4. Alison Moyet is a goddess...just check out the new album which has just been released called 'The Turn'...its so so wonderful...which is more than I can say for the feminist bleatings of Annie Lennox on her latest release...I really wanted to like it but the girl power thing just got a bit too much for me by the end of the album, it's pleasant enough but don't expect the genius that was 'Diva'

5. Russell Brand in 'Ponderland' ...Channel 4....genius :)

If you feel you would like to complain about the content or the style of writing please don't bother, as I'm really not interested what you fucking think or do with the stuff that i write...even if you print it off and use it as toilet paper, at least i have made one arsehole happy....ciao x