ramblings...

Hi all...really excited to say congratulations to my soul partner lisa who has managed to secure herself another lovely job today...champagne all round methinks!

what to write about today?...this weather is really getting me down since we returned from holiday, it's so grey and miserable...i always said when i was younger that at this time in my life i would not be living in England anymore...how wrong could I be, i feel trapped here now when all i want to do is run off to the quickly developing Sinai coast and open a bar or manage a bar for someone with a bit of an investment quandry...really, the place is going to be huge in the next five years with all the major hotel chains building like there is no tommorow...so anyone reading this with an extra 30,000 to spare can send it my way..i'm fully trained with the British institute of Innkeepers and have Lisa who i'm sure would be a very reliable asset as they 'like em big' out there! (no offence meant!)...c'mon folks, let the money roll in...you know you want to!

Have been watching 'Lost' like mad over the weekend now i am the proud owner of the complete series on dvd...it's bloody marvellous and really well written...some suprising twists and turns going on in the camp...watch it, you really must!...at this point though I am hoping that they are going to start solving some of the mysteries rather than keep adding to them ad infinitum...I am having a bit of trouble remembering the unsolved things from about 5 episodes ago...talk about senior moments!

It's my Mums birthday today..the big 70..and i just wanted to publicly say how much she means to me and I don't think I would have got through life without listening to her advice and her patient talks when things got tough..so...Mum I love you and Happy Birthday x

The strangest of events is occuring, you remember I told you about my brother in law having a secret life and walking out on my sister...well...the bastard left the other woman that he was living with in Luton and now my sister and this woman have become really good friends...how surreal is that!...it turns out he told so many lies to this other woman, telling her that my sister was adopted and god knows what else that they now have some sort of weird affinity with each other...i always thought my sister was a bit odd but I shall wait to see what happens with great interest...i wonder how many more secret families my brother in law has...nobody knows where he is or anything..but...am i bovvered!

Lisa is kindly taking me to an appointment on Saturday which is at the new Sureslim wellness clinic...it's a South African concept which deals with dieting on a 1 to 1 basis based on blood test results and a personal eating plan. It is expensive but once you have paid you can keep going to the 1 to 1 sessions until you reach your goal weight whereas with the other slimming clubs you keep paying and paying. I have been reading some of the internet forums and it seems to be really worthwhile with normal people losing a reported 30lbs in two months without starvation. No weird substances or potions, just healthy eating...sounds good to me...its just that handing over of 390 pounds that might hurt a bit ! I have to do something as 21 stones is not a good size for anybody...i will let you know how my free taster session goes...more soon

Neil x

Back on track...some Steve moments

I was walking home from work the other day when i had got around the corner of the north end club i came upon four police constables arresting some drunk tramps, nothing unusual about that i thought until i got home and got the full story from claire, apparently one of the drunks was "female" and had decided to invent a new sport of TRAMP SHAGGING!!! which was taking place on the green by the clapham road roundabout and with it being schools out time there were lots of kids with mothers walking by putting their hands over their childrens eyes.


ooh, enough about that lot yuk!!!! Glad to see neil and lisa got home safely after what sounds like an excellent holiday,( just think you will now be able to swap stories with another colleague when she gets back from her trip), some people have no ideas of their own do they!!

talking of trips, i 'd like to tell you about my first trip to Amsterdam (by national express), we had to get the coach from outside the drill hall in ulverston at 06:00am bearing in mind that my two companions on this tip (Tony and John) and I had been getting into the dutch theme by drinking gallons of Grolsch for most of the previous evening
and were now convinced we could speak dutch!! and proceeded to talk what must have sounded total bollocks to everyone else, john was still drunk from the night before and decided to get something to eat from the kiosk at the bus stand, after this he spent the next fifteen minutes puking in a nearby public garden, we get on the coach and in true laddish fashion head for the back of the bus, but are stopped by a stewardess who said you cant sit there because thats where the shop will be, i said "shop!!!, its a fucking bus for godsake!!" anyway we had to find somwhere else to sit as she proceeded to fill the back of the coach with pop, crisps and sandwiches.
we got to london's victoria bus station at about 1:00pm and had to wait for an hour for the bus to Dover so we found a nice spot to sit as it was a nice day rolled a couple of joints and got stoned, after a while someone said "food" and we all agreed that we were starving so we went to a small cafe` and ate and ate and ate some more.
we arrived at dover after what seemed like an age had gone by at 21:30 and had to wait till 23:00 to board the ferry as we were on the midnight sailing to zeebrugge, so while we were waiting we went looking around the shops, we were approached by two men in uniform and were asked our names, addresses and where we were going?we said why?, they said that we fitted a discription they had of some french drug dealers!!! , i said well we are obviously not french are we? and they walked off still in search of their quarry.
we boarded the ferry at about 23:30 a little nervously as the ferry was the spirit of free enterprise, the sister ship of the ferry that had sunk at zeebrugge three weeks previously, and we could hear people saying, "oh, this is one of those roll on roll over ferries", it was quite surreal watching everyone run to the bow when we were leaving port to see if the bow doors had closed, we were not bothered though as we just sat on deck with spliffs in hand watching all the other ferries pass by lit up like christmas trees, after a while we decided to go inside and get something to eat and watch the film that was on (first blood) but we could not see much of the film as the screen was covered in subtitles in about ten languages, after a while we crashed out on the floor and slept for about three hours.
we arrived at zeebrugge at 06:00 cet and eventually got to amsterdam at 09:30 cet, as soon as we got off the bus we were confronted by a stoned American guy asking if we needed a place to stay, we said yes we do, he just said, follow me!, he led us to a small establishment called of all things "hotel croydon" it was next to a coffee shop called "sheba", we went in and looked around and we soon realised that he had brought us to a brothel, the rooms were ok and cheap £3.00 anight so we decided to stay as we did not have that much money. night time came and we decided to go out for something to eat we found a place called "the wall" an excellent place that was dedicated to pink floyd, we scored some blow and bought some space cake and space bon bons, we never left this place all night as the music was ace and basically could not walk very far if you know what i mean!! eventually we had to make our way back to the hotel, an interesting walk to say the least, half dressed ladies in shop windows, guys selling cocaine on street corners and the all night sex shops were an eye opener, as we got close to the hotel we bumped into the american bloke again he said do you like the hotel, we said its ok, then he tried to make us give him money for finding us digs we said fuck off!! and walked on by to a bar next door to our hotel, he followed us in, we were at the bar having a drink when this guy said you owe me fucking money, at this point the barman jumped over the bar and threw the bloke out saying dont bother my customers!,we had our drinks and went back to the hotel,
we did not get much sleep that night as the rooms upstairs were being used for "personal services" and some of the noises that were coming from them made you cringe.
as we couldn't sleep we told jokes and played guess the theme tune for what seemed like hours i can still remember the tune from hawaii five o was sung over and over. erm memory is getting a little blurry here so i'll finish here and think about it for next week!....................................steve..x

ba ba baba ba ba bababa ba!!!!!!!!!!!!

tie the loose ends tightly...

Well as you can guess our internet time ran out and i am writing this back home in a cold wind forsaken blighty...the memories of the holiday are starting to fade fast so i will update you on a couple of things that were mentioned previously...

Meringue lady and aqua girl became a bit of a damp squib really, it was all to do with a business deal that meringues partner was involved with, setting up an aqua sports booth at one of the new hotels...all pretty disappointing really...

The pasty boys carried on their reckless student behaviour until they flew home after a week looking as pale as when they arrived, god knows how!

Andy and tasha were a lovely couple and carried on hanging around with us and really pissing stalkers off...funniest moment for them was when andy got the squits and a fart turned into a torrent of streaming bottom gunk...he was last seen running clenching to their room to change. They flew home and hopefully we will be in contact with them again.

Serial swimming costume changing german woman carried on doing the same until they went home.

Derek and Pat carried on stalking us like easy prey but we managed to lose them for a day and a half when they went to St Catherines Monastery (which we had done without them!) and then a whole day travelling to Jerusalem. Funniest story that came out of the monastery trip was that Derek had gone for a camel ride and was not holding onto the back of the saddle when the camel stopped and dropped down...as he put it, "I had a hard on and flew into the front post of the saddle and badly bruised my todger with the force"...Pat kept us in stitches that night telling us that she had tried to make a sling for it that would go round his neck to hold it in place...I am sure you can imagine the tears running down our faces, the whole complex got to hear about this and you could hear cries of 'hows your willy' and 'hows your todger' resonate around the place whenever derek and pat were in view. Even on the way home they got some sort of evil revenge...when the coach arrived at the airport we walked in quite a way ahead of them in the ticket queue and were given our seat numbers. We then dissapeared up to the smoking room where they soon followed...we looked at Dereks tickets and somehow they had been given the seats right behind us..for fucks sake how?...is this really what i had to suffer to get the extra leg room!...Derek made friends with the girl next to him and I could hear him droning all the stories that we had previously heard, i had a little smile on my face as i dozed away...anyway the flight was over, Derek gave me his address and pat hugged us and said 'have a nice life!'...i think that about sums it up.

Lisa and I carry on being friends with a couple of apologies to each other thrown in and hopefully the shores of nuweiba will see us in a years time...God, Allah and George Bush willing...Amen

The adventures of pasty boy...

hi peeps

we decided to go off to the hotels shell disco last night with new friends and walked into something that would have seen joan collins swinging from the roof as in The Stud!....there were four guys and us four so it was really buzzing!...two of the guys came over to us while they were absoulutely pissed out of their faces and one sat with me and tash and said hi I am Dave the other one started to talk to Neil and asked where Neil was from Neil said near Cambridge what about you this guy said Heidelberg in the worst german accent you would ever hear... and Neil told him so too turns out they are from Warrington and were at Lancaster Uni they had been told to come here for a holdiay as there were lots of girls here..... to which I had to reply well if you like club 45 -80 you will be fine. They were very disappointed in the talent that was on offer but I have to say they had 3 days left of the holiday and I have never seen so much white in my life not a tan in site!

Sinister Phone Man was sat next to us today texting and phoning but couldnt hear much of what he was saying as new couple and stalkers all decided to descend into our beach hut at the same time -we all ended up snorkelling together aahh how sweet!!!

Anyway its been so so hot today and we have done absoulutely nothing except drink, drink and drink but hopefully we will have lots of tales of camels and jeep rides and shit when we go off on a crusade to the burning bush tomorrow

I have to go now as Neil has just farted and the smell it is leaving is making me go green lol

See you all soon

Lotsa love
Smelly Neil and Lucious Lisa (who has the most fabby tan ever!)
xx

sinister events in the gulf of akaba...

hi you fucking gorgeous readers...neil here, with lisa who will comment later...we had an early night last night as lisa wasn't talking to me because i kept inviting swan boy and his companion everywhere with us!...boy she had a right hissy fit, just like me on a good day...

lets tell you about german obsessive compulsive swimwear woman...we have been watching her since we arrived when we are down on the beach and she does this amazing thing that whenever her tushy hits the water as soon as she comes out she has to ritually strip off the moistened bathing suit, wash it under the shower and then replace it with another one and this goes on all fucking day...wow incredible!

no news on meringue lady and aqua girl...

lots of new blood turned up today for us to see, pale as husky puppies and just as friendly...have met a lovely couple who we shall call andy and tash as that is their names and think we have upset aforementioned stalkers with our friendliness towards them...i could feel a steely gaze from a couple of hundred yards away as we made our bond stronger...i was invited by stalkers to go and see a coral brain on the reef by the shore...it was most interesting but i felt in danger as lisa wasn't near as she 'had a headache'..hmmm

we also have a new sinister phone man who is an oldish boy who sat a couple of beach huts away from us...lisa was talking to me and i told her to shut up as i was listening to his conversation...what he was doing was phoning from a list in a little notebook he had and was talking to women and asking what they wanted in a relationship and going into very graphic detail etc...he was then making notes and crossing off list accordingly...will keep an eye on him and if my names not nancy drew i will call the hardy boys and tell them of my great adventures!

lisas bit...
As all that know Neil will know he is a tempremental bugger but last night he went further than he has ever gone before - we go into the restaurant to have a nice meal and he duly walks to the stalkers table and sits with them i just stood there with the sudden urge to kick him where it hurts but had to smile and sit - and then listen to hours of conversation on area 51 - the inside of their home - their daughter in america and it went on and on how I sat there a stones throw from Neil and did not stab him with my fork I really dont know and then he has the cheek to say that I was the rude one for not wanting to sit with them - Please can someone tell Neil about wanting space and time alone lol
Anyway I got my revenge and did not go down to see the coral today I just laid on the beach and enjoyed being at one with my book and my thoughts.
Still while seated alone I got chatting with the couple across from me and have arranged a secret trip out without the stalkers for Neil and I to St Catherines Monastary which is something to do with Moses and the burning bush and apparently you get there by jeep and then camel the thought of Neil on a camel amused me lol especially when the lady who we are going with said they went last year and her husbands camel collapsed (its big end went mmmmmmm revenge is sweet!)
I am now talking to Neil as he promised me that I could sit with him alone tonight lol and in fear of his life he will perform accordingly ( I also have the key to the room!)

So until we meet again
N and L signing offf xxxxxxx

The strange case of meringue woman and aqua girl...

something is rotten in denmark methinks, or so our wonderful bard once told us...there is something sinister going on between a nouveau riche couple and the lady who runs the water sports section...don't really know any more at the moment but its fantastic watching the furtive glances and the conversations that they have to have with each other away from their partners....more on that later...

carrying on from last night we went off to the lovely italian restaurant and were about to be seated by our lovely blue eyed boy ali when we heard the knife wielding noise of "cooee" from the two bunny boilers...yes derek and pat had saved us a seat and our evening of being stalkees began...Derek then proceeded to turn his camera on proudly, after explaining about the bedclothes being made into different shapes by the room boy, and jollily announcing, "look, here's a picture of me naked with a swan between my legs"...lisas face was a picture and i nearly spewed beer through my nose...i am hoping to re-enact the portrait to post on the blog at a later point. Lisa has to stop laughing first...

Last night at the pool bar I have never seen such a depressing sight as a few middle aged british motherfuckers made complete cunts of themselves trying to sing and dance with the belly dancers...really the hotel is quite high class and did not deserve to be treated in such a wheeltappers and shunters way!...bastards

Today we went off in an air conditioned taxi, arranged by our now friendly stalkers to a local bedouin market which was really fabby, the highlight was when derek swallowed water the wrong way and ended up gushing out of mouth and nose, quite spectacular indeed...i bought two lovely silver rings and after vast and much much encouragement lisa too opened her wallet to buy some trinkets and a rug....god knows how the rug will get home as the suitcase was full when she got here...saw camels eating cardboard boxes along the roadside, quaint and amusing...

Petrol ...10 pence a litre...anyone want a gallon bought back?

Hello peeps well not left to say Neil has had the monopoly tonight we nearly fell out at breakfast this morning when we went down to the beach as our friendly guy had left our towels at our hut and I saw 4 sun loungers laid out and thought Neil had invited mack and mabel to join us in the sun too - I mean I dont mind getting my baps out in front of Neil but after seeing the disturbning photo last night god only knows what pics he may take while I am snoozing (neil is convinced they are the oldest swingers in town - but I think she has sussed that Neil may not be my husband/boyfriend and keeps slipping in losts of gay banter)

Well we are off to see if we can avoid them tonight only because we owe them money lol - fat chance of that they seem to know our every move
Oh one last thing to note Neil left the beach early (deli belly I think judging by the smell in the room when I got back!) so missed the turtle that was swimming in the sea not yards from where Neil had been snorkelling earlier good job really not sure what the turtle would have made of seeing Neil lying horizontal in the water like some killer whale!

more soon lotsa love
N and L xxxx

went t'egypt through t'internet....

Well here we are again another day gone on this holiday and more stories to tell last night we had a most beautiful banquet of egyptian food and it was lovely Neil managed to eat more than me for once lol (not a mean feat I can tell you although for a diabetic the notion of not eating sugery things is lost on Neil he just eats anything that has sugar or sweet in the title! and then gives himself an extra shot of insulin to tide him over I am expecting him to be in a coma by the end of the week and have lined up a nice new slimline egyptian model to help me out next week with anything I desire lol

hi...its me here too...today i shot a load of white stuff over lisa just for fun and she was very disheartened when she found out i had found her sunscreen! lol...also on my adventures i fed a multidude of fish with a secreted bun that i took from the restaurant...i really felt like jesus of the fish world!...they were snapping it out of my hand, big ones and little ones (technical terminology not available but they all had scales and smiles on their mouths...
On with the stalkers...today we were having a lovely breakfast and i went over to the hot counter to load my plate and lo and behold when i returned to the table bonnie and clyde were there waiting!...we managed to shake them off on the beach and for lunch but caught up with them in the afternoon when we were asked to go and watch pat take part in the belly dancing (dear god, please don't ever let me end up partaking in anything like that, i don't care if my trousers do fall down when i'm drunk but i ai'nt doing that!)

Please forgive lisas punctuation but she obviously hasn't read "eats shoots and leaves"....more soon
love N and L xxx

Who needs punctuation and grammer when you type on a computer and you have spellcheck and other wonderful programs to do that for you except on this bloody blog which has none lol nighty nighty off to see where bonnie and clyde are hiding in wait for us.......xx

back to bedlam

As you see todays blog is named after the lovely james blunt album but if i hear this record one more fucking time i will toss lisa into the sea and follow her swiftly. The beach bar seems to only have the two cds this year, the aforementioned album and a lovely little groover by 50 cent who keeps asking to visit a girls candy store and lisa had to explain this one to me.

Today i learned to snorkel....and guess who taught me, our very own lisa...i thought she was only into muff diving but this was another type of diving that she seemed to know a lot about!...there i was with my head in my mask sucking it airtight with my nose and away i went to be at one with zillions of fish breathing like orca on heat from the snorkel provided....really though it was amazing to see all the fish that had been swimming round my bits without knowing anything about it....heres lisa...

can I just state on the record I have never been muff diving in my life and will not be trying it in the near distant future unless I am on copious amounts of drugs and alcohol and asleep! Neil on the otherhand has tried this out at an early age and said it was nothing like a candy store more like a fish buffet!!!!! lol

Anyway its nice to think that I can still impress a queen with my knowledge of snorkelling and the idea of sucking and not blowing appealed to Neils nature a lot... anyway we are off to see some guys swirling skirts tonight and our stalkers are joining us incase you wondered where they are so far we know the ins and outs of Peckham, Tescos, Car-Jacking, they have friends who are ten million lottery winners (mmmm I am sure I saw this episode in Only Fools and Horses lol) the funniest thing about these millionaires is that they brought a fabulous mansion and had lots of really expensive cars on the driveway and a huge wine cellar filled with liebfraumilch (dear god how tasteless...blogmaster) and beer!!!!! oh how the other half live!

all for now
N and L xx

can you hear me now?...

here we are again and weather is really fabby...that will eventually get boring so i wont mention that again! lol....saw two camels today, that was the highlight really...apart from the fact that lisa has attracted two mad people from leighton orient who are residents in the making...they are nice really and she is quite amazing as she works in tescos and can tell without looking what sort of person is at the checkout by the items that they have got in their trolley!...apparently gay guys have aesthetically pleasing items as they look good lying in the fridge even if they don't eat them...asian people buy a lot of carnation milk and west indians buy a lot of soap!...whatever that may mean! lol (that is in no way meant to sound rascist btw)

Hi Lisa here can I just say it was not me who invited the couple to come and join us but Neil he obviously saw residents in the making and thought he could sell them his tower block! But suffice to say that everytime we venture anywhere they seem to be there like a couple of stalkers! but they aare a nice couple and I know all about motorbiking and HGV drivers and the manufacturing of bread from start to finish.

Neil had been telling me lots of stories Gina that I could not possibly put on the blog but please feel free to ask me when I get back about radio tuning and the visually imparied or should I say blind! enough said that will get the juices flowing lol

Well I better go now as Neil is worried about what I might type next so ciao until the next time Lisa xxx

PS...have tried to sell lisa for a couple of camels but the egyptians felt that the poundage was too vast for the exchange rate lol.....love you all
N xx

Neil and Lisa...Live from Egypt!

Hello all
well suprise suprise...we have an internet cafe thingy at the hotel!
Hi Lisa here, can I tell an amusing thing that happened at the airport, before all you non-smokers recoil Neil brought 200 menthol cigerettes to enjoy on his trip and then gets one pack out at the airport and decides to leave the other 180 in the bar for all the other smokers to share while he is away lol - I did offer to go and get them(after about half an hour of sitting there laughing) but we had to board the plane so he has a packet of 20 here that cost him 23 pounds lol.

well...i am enjoying my cigarettes at 1.10 each! and will savour them immensely. We arrived okay with no traumas really apart from when we got to our luxurious suite I had a bit of a hissy fit because the fridge wasn't working and my insulin was in danger of going off...so i phoned reception and he asked if he could send an engineer in the morning to which i exploded "I only want a fridge that works , is that too much too ask"(nothing worse than a queen in full flow!)

We have had a hectic morning and afternoon laying on sun loungers watching the world and his wife go by. Some sights have been nice to look at some have been horrific and the swimwear of elderly men is not a sight to behold.

We have just had a lovely italian dinner and before that lisa was stooped over in the bathroom picking up 300 slenda sweeteners that i conveniently dropped on the floor...I hasten to add that i will not be using these!

well we are now off to the bar for an evening of rum and coke and camp singing by a very sweet man...all for now...love you lots
Neil and Lisa xx

PS more updates will appear as we have paid 8 pounds for three hours of interneting so we are going to use it all up in the seven fucking days that we have!

to lily the Pink...floyd

The rain was pouring down, the thunder and lightening was awesome and Neil and myself were sheltering under a canopy looking like a couple of bouncers on a nightclub door, We were waiting for our driver, the ever punctual lisa, to take us to the corn exchange where we were going to see Off the Wall a Pink Floyd tribute band Neil phoned lisa to find out where she was but got no reply, I said "we could have been there by now" Neil said "she is probably asleep" (I hasten to add that my comment was said in a jovial fashion whereas Steve was being mean and spiteful lol...blogmaster) then all of a sudden our spirits were lifted as our white chariot arrived just in time and blasting out some quality heavy metal sounds. when we got into town we decided to go for a drink so we went to the square where all the drinks were £1.50 Neil and I were nearly taken to casualty suffering from shock as Lisa decided she would buy a round!!!!! but after a few sips of stella artois we were fine.

We entered the corn exchange and made our way to the front row then the rest of the gang arrived Matthew ,Marie, Oliver, Alice and Alan, lisa and i went to the bar to get some drinks as we were queuing we swiped a programme that was left on the shelf and had great fun watching the attendant lady asking people if they had paid for their programme cos she had loads missing (should not leave things unattended) she did not ask us cos lisa had hidden hers under her top.

The house lights dimmed and the band arrived on stage to a ripple of applause, we had done a mini sweep on what the first song would be, this was won by neil as he chose "shine on you crazy diamond", which was performed perfectly, the sound throughout the concert was fantastic along with the lighting and visual images it really was floyd without the pink, they ran through all the more famous tracks such as money, wish you were here, comfortably numb, learning to fly, another brick in the wall, one of these days and run like hell they also did a couple of early tracks from the psychadelic era, Arnold lane and the other escapes me at this time,
At the interval i overheard a conversation between a avid pink floyd fan who said he had seen the real floyd 32 times and another fan (who looked scarily like cat weazel) cat weazel was saying how good the show was but the other guy diagreed saying that the band were crap and were not as good as the real floyd, i said well they aren't the real floyd they are a tribute band and come on it was only £17.00 to get in well worth the money in my opinion, he said we will see in the next half of the show.

Did anyone else think the female vocalist might have been lip synching on the great gig in the sky? (No !...she was awesome click on the link here, this is actually stella fairhead singing live at the gig) http://www.pbpix.freeserve.co.uk/Greatgigclip.mp3

at the end of the show the band got a standing ovation, well deserved in my opinion and would go to see them again if i had the oppertunity. when we got outside i spotted the avid floyd fan and said thats him who was slagging the band off at wich he said first half they were crap but were awesome in the second, glad to hear he came to his senses
all in all a great night out with great company and i cant wait for the next one..............................

http://www.pbpix.freeserve.co.uk/numb.mp3

see you steve.

Bless him!

Just in case....a goodbye letter...

hi all....holiday time is here and myself and lisa are flying off to sunny egypt/israel on Sunday. Everything will be fine but i thought i'd like to take an opportunity to write a goodbye letter as you never know what is going to happen in these grey times...so here it is...

First of all and most of all I would like to thank my parents for putting up with all the shit that i have thrown at them for the last 42 years, they have been magnificent, understanding, loving and overall the best people i have known on the planet. I'd like to thank all the teachers and mentors that have taught me about living life throughout the years, good times and bad times. I'd like to thank all the friends I have made in countries and counties previous to Bedfordshire, especially Terri who still keeps me on the straight and narrow whenever i speak to her. I'm sorry I can't remember any of your names now but i do have a slight problem with memory storage ! anyway you probably don't remember me either.

I want to thank and send love to all of the guys and gals from Bedfordshire, this is the strongest bond of friendship I have ever felt, especially Martin, Steve, the two M's and of course my special angel Lisa who takes me to highs and lows that i could have only previously dreamed about! When I was a little boy I dreamed of a lady that would take me away to a far off land where everything would be good and nice all the time...I think i found her...

Gina is another person that makes me laugh and feel good about being around, it's nice to get compliments about yourself and Gina always notices little things that I do, whatever they may be. respect girlfriend!

Thats it really...I wish at this point that I could say goodbye to a partner or lover but it didn't happen for me...but it's okay, it was meant to be.

It's been quite hard writing this but I feel that its important because as i said earlier, you never know what is going to happen...

Neil x

A short history lesson....

You know I was watching television the other day and a program came on about the problems that are occurring in the Middle East. All that stuff about why Osama bin liner is waging a war along with others against the west. Now I am pretty clued up on most thinks but the whole Middle East think does my head in. But right at the start of this program a man gave a very concise and simple statement that sums it up and for the first time I now understand some of what is going on. So as I am sure I am not the only one I thought I better pass it on and it goes something like this.

Since the end of the first world war when the Ottoman Empire (please see map) was carved up because it sided with the losers. (The west divided up the area into countries like Iran, Iraq, and Afghanistan. This division was done without any consultation and cut across age old historic boarders and religious communities.)Any way to continue. The west has treated the Middle East like a series of giant petrol stations since. And the west’s only interest being that the price be kept low and that they are nice to the Jews.(who have been booted around since time began) The west then just let everything go on in the background. I.e. all the hatred that has built up since the split has been boiling away. And now it’s come back to bite us on the arse. The Ottoman Empire was only split because we saw the potential value in it, and we wanted friendly pro west people in charge. There history lesson over, it just goes to show that short sighted solutions are a false economy.

Anyway what the hell is going on over in the USA. Down in the Deep South in a little place called New Orleans they have got in a bit of bother with a hurricane. The pictures are very distressing and everybody agrees its one hell of a mess. Now I know that after a short break of about five days the Americans have pulled there finger out and started to do something. But what the fuck happened in those five or so days. The Americans really got caught with there fingers up there arses. There initial response was more like that of a Third world country not a First world one sorry “the” First world country. For the second time in not to long the great American confidence machine has taken one hell of a knocking. I suspect that questions will be asked for many years to come.
This will be the last blog from me for a couple of weeks as I am off on holiday. I am doing a tour of what is called the “golden triangle” in America. Basically Fly to LA pick up a car and drive to Las Vegas via the Grand Canyon. Then back to San Francisco and down the coast to Carmel and then La again and fly out. This takes about two weeks and will probably give me enough stories to fill the next few blogs on my return. I have half a mind to keep some sort of journal whilst out there. All of course accompanied by my photos on flickr. See you all soon
matt

with a thong in my heart...

Great night in the pub as usual on Friday, still not sure how we came to talk about my underwear, but true to form, I had to explain the black and white theme(for those of you who maybe slightly interested, I can't mix my undies, they have to be all black, or all white and very rarely will I wear other colours or anything with a pattern on it). Also I feel the need to set the record straight, recent course of antibiotics were prescribed for my infected foot, not for any other reason. If you care to read previous blogs I have occasionally mentioned condoms and the need to check they are still in date before they are required, I know they can often ruin the moment, but I would rather have a ruined moment than something that requires antibiotics!

I had an unexpected night off on Saturday(7yr old spent two nights with daddy), so I thought I would use my time wisely and check-out other blogs. Most are talking about the aftermath of hurricane Katrina, and some clearly are not! I was surprised to see a fairly even mix of sex and religion, but struggled to find any "normal" stuff. Some sites looked promising until I started to read them, they are clearly created by younger people who seem to have lost the ability to type English, and I really struggle to read and work out the meanings of these one/two character words. One site I stumbled on had some fab photo's on it and I thought it was worth a mention, so if you want to "explore the sensual contours of earths body" please go to www.heatherfirth.com I will be looking for reproductions on flickr, although Neil has already come close once or twice. Other sites claiming to contain "nature" were pictures of peoples pubic hair, not very attractive as they had recently shaved and were full of blemishes. Yuck!

Later on Saturday night I was introduced to a new drink, I'm not a lover of these bottles of vodka based alcoh pops but this one is certainly worth a mention. It's called WKD original vodka blue. It smells and tastes like dandelion and burdock(I'm sure most of you can remember this from your childhood), and is a subtle shade of blue. Like most of these drinks it slips down very easily, and if you add a shot of port to it, it really is fab. Do you think they sell it in the pub?

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned I had received some really good news. I can now tell you that I have a new job(still waiting to find out my new job title and final details). I will still be working in the same office, and managing the team, but I will now be doing other stuff which will include lots of research and client consultation. I'm really excited as maybe after 16yrs it's time for a change.

Gx

lisa lisa lisa!

Hello all
Well tonight blog is going to be short tonight as I am in holiday mode now and I just thought I would give you some fun things to pass the time of day

By the time you read this you will no doubt be looking through your wardrobe and looking for your school uniform (in-house joke) oh what we will have running around a field playing games lol not

Still it’s a nice way to catch up with people you don’t get to see every day but I will be glad when its finished and we can get down to watch England scrape through again lol – after there appalling performance against Wales

On a lighter note check out Job Predictor.com its great fun put your name in and see what ideal job you should be doing we had a chuckle in the office at some of the ideal jobs we should be doing

Mine are
Lisa – President
Lisa-Marie – Bungee Jumper Tester
Lisa + last name – Superhero

I am in the wrong job

Neil I did yours for a laugh and you should be
Neil – Soap Actor (I will say no more but drama queen is your middle name! Xxxx
Neil + last name – Lottery Winner no need to work

Some of the ideal jobs in our office ranged from emperor of the world to suicide bomber!

One more thing that kept our office amused was that one of our team has a phobia about tortoises! The mind boggles its not like they can run up quickly and say BOO more like a slow crawl so it got me thinking what phobias we all have answers on a postcard please to:

Lisa on the beach
Somewhere near the Red Sea
Alcoholic drink in hand enjoying the view
XX



This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issueson the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.One kiss from you, however, and I will turn backinto the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marryand set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuouslyon lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wineand onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't fucking think so.

High on a hill was a lonely goatherd...oh no, that was Austria!...heres Prague pt 2

Ok part two of the Prague adventure. As you will remember we left our hero’s about to venture out into the wilds of the former iron curtain city.
11am and refreshed we all meet up downstairs and decide on a plan of action. The map brigade are already unpacking there arsenal of guides maps more guides and bigger maps. Martin and I are thinking about food and in particular chocolate cake a delicacy in these parts. We leave the hotel and turn right, Annie in front with guide and map. Marie along side pointing out what’s what and filling the air with descriptions of historical interest. Martin and I bring up the rear feeling like we are there to make up the numbers. This is defiantly a Taylor girl’s do. All Annie needs is on of those umbrellas held up for the tour party to follow.

Actually I must stop this right now. I am making the trip sound like a nightmare. Let me just say it was not. Prague is truly beautiful the company was great, we all get on very well and never argue about anything. I just think that lack of sleep and too much caffeine to keep me awake have affected my senses at the time. The architecture is fantastic and depending on where you are in the city has little bits of French, Italian, and Russian. Not surprising since all three have had control over the place at some point. The other overriding sense you get is Art Nuevo/ Deco there are some fantastic examples of the movement on lots of buildings which have great interiors that if in the west would be monuments to the work of their creators.

The other thing that surprised me was money. Not the currency be the fact that there is obviously lots of it about. I was expecting a former iron curtain country to look like some of the old films you see. But no there is lots of money around. The shops have more expensive jewels and there more brand new expensive cars around on the streets than you get in the west end of London. But like lots of continental cities there is a great use of space. Lots and lots of communal parks and the river banks are crammed with shops and café’s. Talking of food there are more places to eat than I have seen in a long time. Not only are the eateries plentiful but there good quality as well. There are of course the usual Mcshit fast food outlets but honestly there is no excuse to go within a million miles of one. Good home cooked food was around the corner at every turn. And I should know when you go on holiday with a highly talented and travelled chef you tend to find the nicest food. Beer what can I say there is lots of it. The national drink is beer and there are some fantastic and strong brews available where ever you go. Pilsner was invented hear and is sometimes drunk before breakfast or on the way to work. Now that’s what I call living.

Apartments also feature in Prague, in the same way that Paris has apartment living. This is one of the reasons that there is so much space in the city for parks and other communal spaces. It’s only in Britain that we have this must have a home with its own piece of land mentality. I liked Prague and its people. Well I say people but I have never been to a place with so many tourists. On any street at any time you could hear twenty different languages. Did I like it yes, will I go back? Someday. Would I recommend it as a holiday destination? Without question. Until next week.
Matt

gina's little piece of cyberspace

I was going to tell you all about my shed demolition experience and accident, but most of you have heard about this first hand so I will not bored you again. The thing that is now really worrying me is I am becoming a serious drain on the NHS, in the last 2 weeks I have had

1 blood test, 1 tetanus injection, (thankfully they now do this in your arm and not in your bottom)seen 3 Doctors & 1 Nurse, spoke to NHS direct twice, and I am on antibiotics until Saturday. (make that Friday morning will you!...you know very well why!)

For me this is a record, I rarely go to the Dr's, but as I am clearly on a roll, maybe on my next visit I may be able to get an illusive sick note, but perhaps I should not joke about this!

Work a been a little flat this week, maybe it's to do with the recent changes, or is everyone winding down ready for their holidays. Oh no, I have just realised that the blog will be off air for 2 weeks, and also you will be missing for the "pub night", maybe Lynne and I will stay local and see what does or does not happen here on a Friday night.

On a serious note, I thought some one would have mentioned the passing of Mo Mowlem. I have never been interested in Politics but for me this lady was a truly amazing character, she was down to earth, compassionate, had a huge amount of energy and determination, and had real spirit. After all the knocks she faced in a her relatively short life, she picked herself up and got on with the job in hand, she should be an inspiration to us all. I hope no-one don't minds, but I thought she was worthy of a mention on our humble blog.
Gx

The sex survey....Lisa's bits!

Yahoo carried out the Great British Sex Survey and here are the results comments anyone?

28% of all men and 26% of all women report that they have had sex with someone they have met on the internet.

The majority of respondents - 52% - are not turned on by the idea of sex with a stranger

Just over 1 in 3 respondents admit to having sex at their place of work with 40% of men saying they have done so compared with 31% of women saying so.

37% of women claim to have used leather, rubber, or latex articles as sexual turn ons compared with 30% of men

3 out of 4 women admit to having faked an orgasm during sex. 1 in 3 of all men say they have.

2 out of 3 respondants would enjoy 3-in-a-bed sex 80% of all men went for this, compared to 50% of all women

13% of people have paid to have sex, almost all of which were men.

Twice as many men as women would rather have bad sex than none at all!

After a night of sex I have woken up next to someone whose name I didn't know. 3 out of 4 respondents have never done so, Of those who had, almost 2 to 1 were men.

Nearly 50% of women would sleep with another woman if they knew that nobody would find out, while 14% of men would sleep with a man under the same circumstances.

The thought of participating in a sex orgy goes down well with just over 2 out of 3 respondents. 76% endorse the idea as do 57% of all women

94% of men think about sex every day, compared with 75% of women.

47% of men and 42% of women have been involved in more than one sexual affair at a time.

82% of men and 70% of women think they have a high sex drive.

Driving and sex. 72% of all men and 57% of all women would give or receive oral sex while driving.

94% of men use pornography, compared with 63% of women.

If I had the chance to watch people making love without being seen, I’d take it. 82% of all men and 65% of all women would do this.

23% of all men and women rated being too tired as their main reason for not getting enough sex.

When asked have I tied someone up or been tied up during sex. 58% of men and 62% of women answered yes.
Favourite Sexual positions

Men on top Woman on Top Man behind
Male
19% 41% 19%
Female
26% 25% 25%

In the 25 -29 year old group

Men on top Woman on Top Man behind
Male
18% 37% 23%
Female
24% 26% 33%

In the 30 -34 year old group

Men on top Woman on Top Man behind
Male
22% 38% 26%
Female
38% 30% 30%

Number of sexual partners
When asked the question how many partners you have had full sex with the answers were as follows:
1
13% of all men and 10% of women

2 – 4
24% of all men and 24% of all women

5 – 10
19% of all men and 23% of all women

11 – 20
16% of all men and 19% of all women

21 – 30
8% of all men and 9% of all women

50 – 100
5% of all men and 3% of all women

100 plus
3 % of all men and less than 1% of all women

Women equal men in terms of having had full sex with 2 - 4 partners, but thereafter and up to 30 partners, more of them have had more partners in each of the categories above when compared to their male counterparts

lisa xx

Prague?...isn't that some form of small fluffy mammal?

As most of you will know I spent the last weekend in Prague with my wife and her sister and husband. I was really looking forward to the break as it happened to come at the end of a fairly stressful few months at work. I am not going to mention work as A I can’t and B I’m bored with it at present. Ok last day of work was Friday so we all got up at the usual time, 7am. I mention this because we had no sleep on Friday night. Came home from work and put the last touches to the new bathroom floor. I would not have done this out of choice but it was ripped up by me a few days before because the new central heating was being put in. And Annie and Martin were due to come around for supper before the trip and I do think it’s important to offer your guests a toilet.

After supper we all sat and watched a bit of telly. Then it was time to leave the house. Lock front door at 2.30am Saturday morning. Drive to Stanstead and park in the mid stay car park. All booked on line weeks before and very convenient. Except the machine that reads the credit card to confirm your booking would not do its job. After pressing the help button a little man comes over and says this often happens “it’s the strip on the back they get dirty”. He then proceeds to spit on the card wipe it on his shirt and insert it. Hey presto the card is read we are in and I now have a Visa card covered in flem and god knows what else. Never mind we are off on holiday so I refuse to get annoyed. Car all parked and on to the bendy bus to the terminal. I know it’s the middle of the summer holidays and the busy season but the place is heaving with people. Never mind there not queuing for our check in. It’ now 4am and the check in opens at 4.20am.

Annie is a girl after my own heart and likes to get there first so as to beat the rush that is flying with Easy cattle. Bags checked move through passport control where we all take part in the age old game of taking this piss out of your friend’s photos. Thank god mine is due for replacement in 2007 because I’m surprised they let me in anywhere. 5am is the time that all the shops open in the airport, and at this stage I really feel fine no sleep and breakfast baps followed by a very strong coffee heavy on the caffeine please meant I think that sleep is for wimps and how much more I could do if I never slept. 5.50am board great I have to say at this stage I love flying and I always get excited like a kid when I board a plane. 6.20am and we move across the tarmac and it’s up up and away thanks to Tselios and his Easy Prague machine. Ok the flight is one hour and twenty min’s plus putting the clock forward as well means we land at 8.40am. Work out baggage claim and try to work out where to go (its all in foreign you know) step out into the fresh sunny former iron curtain morning in the Czech Republic.

Smart men in suits are on hand to direct you into taxis which are state run to take you where ever you want. The cost is good as well 700kronner for a twenty minute drive. That’s about £12 to you and me. We pull up outside the hotel Axa and make our way in. We find we have been moved to another around the corner so with trolley bag in toe we walk the 300 metres to our new hotel. The Axa has a problem with no water on two floors. We have been put up in the Marriott part of a big American chain. Result this is a far better establishment than the Axa and our rooms are to say the least palatial. I have in my time been lucky enough to have stayed in some nice hotels and I am impressed with this one. If we had been paying the full rate and not got the Axa to pick up the bill it would have been £255 per night. Get into the room 10.15am drop bags shower etc and arrange to meet at 11am to start the adventure. Its time to walk around the city of 1000 spires. So until next time when the tour starts properly good bye.

Lizard Birthing!

Gina sent me this...its so good it had to have a seperate page!

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying here looking sick," he told me.
"I'm serious, Mom. Can you help?
"I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Dad!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired. (I actually think he said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," he informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.
" OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to know. (I really do think he
was being snotty here, too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," my husband whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Mom!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the men in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him. (Men can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what he does to me is one thing, but this boy is of his loins, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my husband asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my husband. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mrs Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...excited," my husband offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded knowing, but not believing that the man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless femininity.
Tears were now running down his face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing... you pulling on it's...it's...teeny little..." he gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's wacker …. Priceless!!!

great gazonkas...its gina!

Lets discuss people's ability to remember things..................................bugger, that's a great start, I've just forgotten what I was going to type next! Is that because of my age, my recent spell of insomnia, 7 yr old wanting my attention, is it because I have so much going on in my life at the moment, or could it be something else.

After Lisa's blog entry last night, I am now sitting here going through all the conversations I can remember having on Friday, so here's my list:-

1. Right to aquire(it's similar to a Council tenants right to buy)
2. Neil fab shirt
3. Who is covering the office
4. Matt, Matt and more Matt(good luck, I'm sure you won't need it)
5. Extra's(BB2, Thursday, 9pm)
6. The Catherine Tate show(BB2, Thursday, 9.30pm)
7. Steve's week in Manchester
8. England v Australia
9. Neil and Steve's photographic experiences(in other words, the lost pictures)
10. The Beer
11. The friendly young men in my local
12. Steve's new top
13. Lisa and Neils trip to Edinburgh
14. Lisa's shopping in Edinburgh
15. Whether or not the pub had any Pernod
16. Should we head into Town
17. Chelsea v Arsenal(sorry Lisa)
18. Shall we go and have something to eat(I wonder if the staff in KFC have recovered yet!)
19. What you should, or should not wear to work
20. That famous person Steve met(sorry I still can't remember his name)

That's about all I can remember, but if I have missed anything off I'm sorry. Back to you Lisa, what should I be writing about tonight?

After my little moan about my Doctor last week I thought I should praise the NHS pathology dept. Had blood test Monday lunchtime, Dr's recieved the results on Wednesday and managed to send me a letter requesting I make another appointment , I received the letter on Friday so I phoned them at 8.30 and once again managed to see a Dr at 9.40. What a fucking waste of time that was. I won't share the finer details with you, but I felt like the invisible woman, did the Dr listen to my concerns, or did he offer me any help-NO and NO.
Gx

loopy lupines...its lisa!

A bank has apologised to a customer after sending him a debit card bearing the name "Dick Head".NatWest said it had launched an inquiry after Chris Lancaster, 18, of Tiptree, Essex, received a cash card with the wording: "Mr C Lancaster Dick Head". Mr Lancaster said he did not spot the insult until he was handing over the card in a supermarket to pay for something a few days after it arrived in the post.
"I couldn't believe it," he said.
"When I got the card out I saw the name embossed on it. I was so embarrassed I put it back in my wallet.
"I know I've been overdrawn a few times but I've done nothing to deserve this.
"The bank said it must have been a worker with a grudge."
A NatWest spokesman said: "We have apologised unreservedly to Mr Lancaster.
"This is completely unacceptable and we have launched an investigation."


I want to talk about the service or lack or service we get in this country – today I had the misfortune of trying to contact for a client the Jobcentre plus and housing benefit. Lets start with the Jobcentre. For those of us who have a job I advise you to hold on to it at all cost, as the jobcentre have a new way of dealing with potential customers who need to claim benefits, instead of traipsing up the Jobcentre and waiting for an appointment. (I mean to say don’t they want people to go up and check out the latest vacancies while they wait – obviously not) Now you have to telephone a number and wait and wait and wait as a voice tells you that you are in queue and if you don’t need to wait to call back later! What kind of service is that you have lost your job and have no money to pay your rent/mortgage but call back later. Eventually after spending a good part of the day holding on the phone you then get through and they take your name and address and a few other details and tell you they will send you out an appointment! By now I have lost the plot and want to give this person a piece of my mind lucky for her she clicked off before I had the chance.

My next rip my hair out experience was to the Housing Benefit department, who give you a direct number to call on their letter but surprise surprise its busy and remained busy for most of the day – I was just about to lose my patience (I know I can hear you all gasp – Lisa losing her temper never lol) when a I hear a real voice. I then explain the problem, to which I am told oh I cant help you I will have to put you through to someone else I begged and pleaded but she vanished and some classical music came into my ear (was this suppose to calm me down I thought) the voice then returned to say that the line I needed was busy and would I like to hold (hold what I had been on hold all day) yes I said I will hold why not I have nothing better to do all day. I was only thankful it was not my phone bill otherwise I don’t think I would have been so polite. Did I get through to the person I needed to speak to no because after waiting another 15 mins or so the phone went dead. When I called the direct dial number back guess what …………………….

Anyway that’s my rant over with for today normal transmission will return hopefully by next week

But I just wanted to say one more thing I had a fantastic night on Friday night in our local pub everyone was on form and the conversations were brilliant – I had another blog in mind but wasn’t sure if Gina was going to write about it lol so if she doesn’t what a shame you were not there.

Minging Mary...it's matt!

Is twenty four hour drinking a good thing (Gina especially needs to consider this)or are we all going to end up drunk all the time. Well only time will tell and the key date is I understand the 24th of November. After the 24th we in England will all be drunk all of the time. Crime will go up, pregnancies will go down. And that’s not because booze effects the sperm production no. It’s because after 48 pint of special brew you won’t be able to get “it” up. Actually after 48 pints you won’t be able to get up let alone think about “it”.

Anti social behaviour will be rife. Fuelled by to much, too often, society will come crashing down around the ears of us all. Well that’s what the press would have us think. And depending on which media you use the problem will be slightly different. This goes back to the bias thing I talked about last week. According to the Telegraph “The moral fibre of society will break and the state of peoples religious belief will crumble fuelled by the devils brew”. Or if you read the Sun “Topless sex fest in towns at chucking out time”.

So why are we changing our drinking laws and what is actually going to happen on the fateful day in November. The original idea was to bring us into line with our continental cousins across the water in mainland Europe. So for those of you who don’t know about Europe a very quick crash course on booze in Belgium or drink in Denmark or even just alcohol in Amsterdam. Ok with no chucking out time our friends over there can go out at almost anytime. Drink for as long as they want, oh and in general it’s much cheaper than dear old blightie. There café culture means that alcohol is much more accepted and the family is more welcome. So kids don’t grow up thinking that it’s important to drink as much as possible because the opportunity will be lost at eleven.

If more pubs stayed open longer or opened and closed when they wanted it would stagger the time we all leave the pub. Mind you staggering out of the pub is something we in Britain have got down to a fine art. With people leaving the boozer at different time there would be no surge on to the street at eleven thirty. So fewer punch ups would happen the police would have less of a problem and the high street would not resemble the somme when the sun comes up on Sunday morning. We could all enjoy our drinking instead of binge drinking our way through the week. Of course when it all kicks off there are going to be one or two small teething problems. But in the end I think it will only do good. Mind you the Scots have had relaxed laws for years when it comes to drinking and look at them. Night night.

lathering lunatics...lisa's here!

Hi everyone

First things first lets just mention Big Brother 6 – I did not get to see the finale on Friday as I was having a fabulous time in Edinburgh. I saw some of the show a few days later and have to say while I did enjoy the show and there were some classic moments – Kinga and the bucking bronco being one hi-light which will stay with me for a while. But I had to laugh at Makosi she was so convinced she was going to win the look on her face when she came third and then the arrogance after when interviewed by Davina and then by Dermot on the Sunday reunion show. When interviewed by Dermot about the booing she said that Davina had incited the crowd – this is one BB contestant who I don’t care if I never see again on TV but no doubt she will end up being the biggest I say the word loosely `star`. That’s my BB6 moment over. Maybe they should change the format for next year any suggestions?

Did anyone get the chance to see the new highly publizied new programme on C4 `Lost`. I managed to catch it and I have to say so far so good there are some good characters and I am sure there will be some good plots we will have to wait and see. The reason I mention this is because if you plan to fly anywhere don`t fly with Neil or watch programmes like this! As we board the plane to fly to Edinburgh he just can’t resist mentioning for the umpteenth time about the plane crash in the programme and how graphic it was. And where you should not sit on the plane lol (mind you I do want to claridy a point that Neil missed in his blog on the flight back home we did not have to ask for the extensions for the seatbelts and we had more room. So if you want more room don`t sit at the front of an easyjet flight lol.

Mind you Edinburgh Airport have a sick sense of humour too as we cue up to go through to the departure area there is a large TV for passengers to watch and on Sunday morning they had BBC News24 on and guess what they were showing – the plane crash in Greece you would have thought they would have turned the channel over!

Anyway on a lighter Note!


Lisa xx
Short but sweet this week

googling geraniums...its gina!

First can I say congrats to Maureen and Ken on celebrating 40years of married life, what I want to know is how have they managed to achieve this. Their celebration party was really good, lots of people enjoying themselves, I was back on form, managed to attract the unwanted attention of someone who was clearly old enough to be my father, but at least he was single and solvent and also another chap who dropped his trousers, how impressed did he think I would be.

Talking of anniversaries, M&M will be celebrating today, that is of course if Matt has remembered, if not, I fear there may trouble(hope your are reading this nice and early and the shops are still open). So many congrats to them also, they have not reached 40 years of married life yet, I think it's 3, but then again it could be 4.

That's the nice part over with, now I would like to talk(ok, it's a little moan) about my Doctor. I have for the past couple of weeks put off visiting him, the reason being I always feel like I'm an inconvenience and true to form this happened again on Monday. I was slightly amazed when I phoned at 08.30am to be told I could see a Dr at 09.10, I managed to make myself look presentable and arrived 5 mins before my appointment. This time armed with diary and symptoms I felt fully prepared(that was short lived), once again I left after a couple of minutes feeling he had not listened to me or dealt with the underlying cause of my problem, he just fobbed my off with a blood test. Ok, so that will confirm what I already suspect, but it has not dealt with or helped me to cope with the symptoms. I'm once again left thinking why did I bother. That's the end of my little moan, I knew I would feel so much better for sharing that. Thank you.

On a slightly lighter note I have just purchased a new shed, the only problem is I now have to demolish the old one, of course nice Mr shed man will do that, but at a price(between £100-£200). I have decided I will save some money and tackle this task myself, I'm wondering if Mr shed man has managed to stop laughing yet, and clearly he felt obliged to give me some really helpful advice that went something like:-

1. Be careful, you could be seriously injured if it falls on you!2. It would be best to empty it first-did he really think I would try to demolish it with contents still in situ.3. It will take you quite a few trips to the "tidy tip" to dispose of the wood, of course it will it's an 8x12ft shed.

So starting this Friday, (as 7 yrs old will be out of harms way, I have a few days off and the weather is looking good), Gx's shed demolition will begin. A plea to all my friends, if I fail to appear at the pub on Friday evening or indeed at work on Monday, please will someone check on me, just incase the task was beyond my capability, as clearly Mr shed man thought it would be.

A little bit of Scotland does you good...

Being the adventures of Neil and Lisa in Edinburghland...
Well we took off from Luton airport after successfully negotiating the mid term car park procedure and flew in the dreaded easycattle airbus...we chose the wrong seats on the outward journey (all my fault!) and ended up squished together at the front and asking for 2 extension thingies for the seatbelt (most embarrassing)...anyway we got there and found a bus that took us most of the way to the hote... a short taxi ride later and we were there, the Novotel on Lauriston place was beautiful, very modern and quite chic...but full of old americans as these were the only people who could afford the 200 pounds a night room ticket! The edinburgh tattoo was on at the same time as us being there so there was lots of fascistic uniform and medals flying around the place...we got there early evening and had a fairly quick shit, shower and change before taxiing to Pleasance Courtyard for the first of our fringe shows. The courtyard is a fantastic place, approx 11 theatres in the same area, admittedly some of them only hold about 60 people but the biggest ones hold about 700, fantastically bohemain and wild. We went to see "Pam Ann" a character name for the wonderful Caroline reid who entertained us with a racous hour of pastchice air crew humour. Caroline had the flight attendants for each airline down to a tee...even promising an easyjet air crew lad in the front row that "one day you might see the sea darling!"..I hope this amazing Australian girl makes it big, she has to be seen to be believed.
Beers flowed after the show and we were introduced to Caroline (part of the prize) and she couldn't have been nicer in real life (unlike her character!). We tarried at the bar and later went back to the hotel for a couple of night caps. After making a few refuted lewd requests to Lisa I fell asleep and awoke next morning to the sounds of Steamship Ellis and her amazing foghorn ( I hasten to add that I was snoring very well myself before I get myself in trouble!)
I made Lisa get up early which was no mean feat and we proceeded to walk into Edinburgh and start our shopping journey down Princes Street with lots of sightseeing on the way. We carried on shopping throughout the day and joined an open top tour bus for an hour just as it started to rain, but it was very enjoyable although a tad cold!...we got off the bus and the sun came out and was radiantly hot. We carried on shopping with Lisa managing a marvellous 45 minutes in H & M whilst I sat and people watched outside. Lots of shopping and snacks later we went back to the hotel and had a rest before the evening onslaught of the courtyard again. We went a bit earlier to see if we could get into another show before our 10pm show but as it was Saturday all of them had sold out so I drank instead and Lisa watched on...our turn for the show came and we trundled into one of the biggest theatres to see the marvellous and joyous Kiki and Herb (see picture above)...to describe them would be an injustice but suffice to say it was a screamfest of laughs, car crash comedy at its very best. A half drag act pastiche of the Steve and Eydie sort of double act from the 50's with Kiki the singer getting more pissed and paranoid as the show went on...simply wonderful stuff!
Back to the hotel for drinks, big tv match of the day and slight packing...
Snores...wake up...more packing and back off to the airport for the flight...better seats midway down the plane, a lot wider and no extensions needed (hurrah!)..take off and level at 34000 feet. We got above Manchester and were told that the descent would now start...how odd is that, they have to start the descent in manchester to land in luton safely!
Anyway...boring bit over, we got home...I still love Lisa, hope she loves me...all is well with the world...The End.
Piddy77 xx

You take the high road, and i'll get the plane.....

Hi all...just a quick blogette as me and lisa are off to Edinburgh today to taste the delights of the Fringe Festival. I won the competition for the weekend up there so will report all when i return. You will be able to read Steve's blog when I post it on Sunday on our return and then you will have a full weekend rundown on Monday on the 'Edinburgh Tattoo, who knew!' blog.
Hope you all have a nice weekend, I believe Matt and Marie have gone off to Prague so should be another interesting read next week too!
See you all soon
Piddy77 x x

Mysterious Manifestations...its Matt !

Is it a good idea to let anybody have there say? Just because someone has an opinion does it mean it’s valid? Is to much power in the hands of the masses a good thing? Should the people who shout the loudest be treated any differently to those who tread quietly?

These are all questions that have been popping in and out of my mind over the last few days. Why does everybody think there in a position to offer advice? Or indeed have the right to voice there opinion. If you let the general public have there say they feel that there opinion is valid. And let me say strait away that very occasionally it is. The trouble is that most of the time it’s not, not within a million miles of being remotely correct. Most articles in the Sun come into this category. Lets face it most of the people you can think of who you hear mouthing off are the sort of people who make mass murder look interesting. How do we expect the average man or woman or as previously mentioned mouthy git in the street to have the insight into how to deal with a complex issue? Most people when faced with that kind of situation tend to have a fairly nee jerk reaction. The reaction tends to be based on a gut reaction or as a result of talking to other well informed citizens (not). Ok so where do these clever average Joes get the background to make life or death pronouncements.

Mainly the media and sometimes just a warped sense of right wing hatred. I am willing to bet that everybody who reads this has at some point in the past listened to the news or read a paper about some horridness that has happened and thought right what we need to do is xxx. And xxx was some right wing vengeance fest involving old style eye for an eye stuff. Then when you think about it you start to moderate your thoughts getting somewhere back towards the middle ground. The trouble is that some people and we all know who they are, open there gob and let rip without thinking. It’s only natural and part of the thought process. Just think before you open your trap. The trouble is that with our lets look after everybody, nobody takes responsibility, lets blame every one else culture the powers that be are afraid to lay down the law or stand up to the idiots. The idiots are usually just ill informed nosey people who love to stick there nose into whatever is happening. The media has to shoulder some of the blame as well. I’m not going to judge who is better at giving an unbiased view. In my mind most news gathering services are there to make money for the owners. They do this by being the first on the scene or trying to find a new angle that the competition has not got. The u.s.p or unique selling point is the way that they hook you. If you do not believe me next time a major story breaks look at the way its portrayed in the different papers, tv, radio etc. You would be forgiven for thinking that the story is in fact two or three different ones the spin can be so strong.

So why am I writing this rant about nosey people then. Well just recently I have been able to watch at first hand the way that uninvited and malicious comments can effect people and there life’s. The power of the mob or the gang can be very strong and it is difficult for control to be regained. People who normally are quite quiet can be sucked in. And because society is running scared of the litigious world that has come over from America it will always take the path of least resistance. There are many answers to problems. Some are difficult some are wrong and some are just a sop to pander to the masses. Sometimes people just have to stand up for what they believe in and hope there going to get protection.

grazing goats...its Gina!

What a week, there has been some really sad stuff, but also some good, happy bits. I have had some really good news, only problem is, I can't share it with anyone at the moment. Bugger, I hate keeping secrets, but to be honest most of you will probably go, "oh that's great, why is she so excited". Remember I'm easily pleased........well that's not always true, some pleasing takes a little longer.(little voice inside my head is now saying "don't go there, Gx" I would like to but I have decided to save it for another day)

Neil received his "surprise", and that's the last time I am going to try and be organised. I have known for 10 months what I would give Neil for his birthday, I'm just pleased the flowers arrived on time, to the correct address, even if the greetings card was blank!

I'm sure you have all heard about the great birthday meal, and the fact that Rosemary and I decided to go up town afterwards. We went to the Irish club, paid £3.50 entrance fee, then sat people watching. That was fairly easy to do as there were only 20-30 of us in there. It did not stop us getting on the dance floor and I'm sure Rosemary will not mind me briefly mentioning the tall dark stranger who was wearing the most fab after-shave. Wow, could he move.........he started with Rosemary, was clearly getting no where, so he moved onto me, still did not get what he was looking for(or even a hint), then as we left I think he found what he was looking for, I hope they both had a very enjoyable evening!

Out again this weekend, why does this happen? I can go weeks without the hint of anything, then suddenly it's one party after another without a break inbetween. I have had Lynne's birthday, M&M's party, Retirement do, Neils birthday, Mo's Ruby wedding, my sister's birthday, then N&C summer party, by September I am sure to be well and truly shattered. Sorry I hope you don't think I complaining, it's great to go out, but I could do with a weekend off every now and then.

Take care everyone, love you all loads and loads. Gx

lashingly lovely...its lisa!

Well Thursday arrived and apart from not hearing my alarm clock to get me up nice and early I bolted out of bed at 7.45am to have a quick shower and then out the door I had a train to catch in St Neots at 9.08am. That’s when I realised I had left my camera at home on the bed! But hooray managed to get to the train station in St Neots and on the train. I sat down looking forward to the getting to Finsbury Park and the short walk.

I looked around and it was nice to see lots of red and white shirts – the chap across from me was with his son he glanced over at me and said we are off to Arsenal I told him so am I oh why don’t you come and join us. It was nice to sit and chat with someone on the train who wasn’t mad or smelt or wanted your money lol.

We arrived at Finsbury Park and walked out and then we made the short walk down towards the Arsenal ground it was as we turned the corner we saw lots of fans all walking down to Arsenal. It was a brilliant we made out way to the West Stand and then had to cue to get in but it was all good as people were talking and singing and having fun. We eventually made it through and then up to the Upper Tier and we were told to sit where we wanted and have a good day.

Just as we sat down a huge cheer went up and out walked Arsene Wenger onto the pitch he was greeted with cheers and clapping – then a huge shout went out as the team came onto the pitch and started running around and warming up. I have to say my phone went mad for a few minutes then as my brother, dad tried to ring and text to see what was happening – I did text Neil to let him know I was ok and having a good time. I was sitting on my own at that time but that didn’t last for long as some guys a few seats away invited me to come and sit with them, so I did they were great and very friendly.

After the training session had finished we were all told to make our way round to the museum and exhibition as we had a free pass to that as well – on the way round I stopped in the shop to have a little spend lol. There was a queue there as well so while standing in the queue I ended up chatting to some people from Cambourne and Peterborough! After leaving the shop I had to hand in an application form for my nephew Ethan to join the junior gunners so handed that it and the guy at the counter asked me if I wanted to buy tickets for the Community Shield on Sunday at the Millennium Stadium it would have been a great day but too far to go do declined I asked him if he had any tickets for any games coming up he said that the Arsenal – Fulham game had just gone on sale to red card members so if I was a member I could buy a ticket – I snapped one up straight away so 24 August you will never guess where I am going again lol
Anyway think I have bored you all enough so I will say good night

PS Just one more thing if any of you saw the cricket over the weekend what a dramatic seat of your pants finale on Sunday I have no nails left lol. I did manage to spend a lovely afternoon with Neil to celebrate his birthday xxx. I hope he has a lovely week off the lucky sod.

Lisa xx

Birthday Special !

Well folks, your blogmaster is another year older today. This year it was quite an uplifting experience and not quite as daunting as the age thing of the last couple of years.
I'm sure that when i stood in front of the mirror this morning my nuts had gravitated about a centimetre downwards...see I don't know whether you ladies know, but we men have a drooping nut problem that goes along with the drooping tittie problem in maturer ladies. Well its not really a problem as such until you get to the age of about 75 and your nut sack is hanging below the hem line of your trousers which are hiked up just under the armpits. I personally can't wait for my nuts to get a bit lower so we can get some of the extreme tea bagging action going...

Anyway enough about my nuts...went out last night, it was so so fabby, i really felt like i was back in West Africa, we all went to Jainbi restaurant in Bedford (web address was going to go here but it seems to have gone...will edit again if i find out whats happened to it!) for the celebratory meal and the food and the ambience were terrific. African music playing surrounded by African colours and decor. Roll call..Annie and Martin, Matt and Marie, Alan and Claire, Me and lisa, Lyn and Bob, Steve and Claire, Rosemary and Gina...all the best people i could have hoped to have around on a special day. Seriously good food though so if you are reading this and you can get to Bedford, find the restaurant, you won't be dissapointed!

I have had some lovely presents so far and am now going to just soak up the rest of the day, hopefully Lisa will come round and lavish me with lots of cuddles...ooer!

All for now
Neil x

A blog that needs no title or any other words...

today (friday) is a sad day, la cosanostra have won the day, as i sit and ponder the situation a song pops into my head so i will share it with you.

There are people that will investigate you,
They’ll insinuate, intimidate and complicate you,
don't hesitate state the fate that awaits those who
try to shake or take you, dont let them break you
YOU!, you can do anything you want to do

people that despise you will analyze and criticize you
they'll scandalise and tell lies until they realise you are
somebody they should have apologised to don't let these people
compromise you be a wise to, you can do anything you want to do
its not wrong what i say is true you can do anything you want to do
do what you want to,
hey you you are not that puppet on a string you can do anything
you want to

God bless phil lynott

sorry there is no story this week hopefully things will be back to normal soon.....................................love steve..x

Thank you Steve for the very appropriate words...blogmaster

Moping Mugwai's...it's Matthew!

Then in a flash it was gone. Well that’s what it feels like anyway. Time is a funny thing you spend all your time looking forward to something and wishing the time away then whoosh gone. As a kid Christmas was always far far away and it never seemed to come. You broke up from school and the few days to the biggie just dragged along forever. And the same has happened to this year well particularly the summer. Where has it gone? Shot by without so much as a sunburnt arm. Well I say gone apart from a few days about a month ago it never really got started. And all of a sudden whoosh gone. Is it global warming or am I just remembering the days of my youth with rose tinted glasses on?

If it is global warming then am I to blame. I drive a car bigger than I need. I drive faster than is legal, which uses more petrol etc etc. I have my central heating turned up to keep the chill out. Well my significant other half turns it up to keep the chill out of the whole street. I do try and keep the dial around 21 ish. I go on foreign holidays to far off lands allowing the plane to take the strain. I buy food in the supermarket, not local because it’s better. I like to be able to eat what ever I want at any time of year. I have furniture from companies who import from across the water. Etc etc etc, in short I am an ordinary person who consumes like the rest of us. Oh and if it is global warming that is having an effect on things why has global warming not made it warm. I probably am to blame along with every other person around. I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night expecting the bearded green party 2cv drivers to be knocking on my door to parade me in front of my neighbour as an example to every one of how bad and uncaring a single person can be. The other side of the argument of course is that he does it so therefore so should I. Cars don’t hurt the planet they promote wealth and growth.

I drive down the street and I use petrol. The petrol companies employ people to dig, transport, refine research and promote petrol. When I go out in my car I need to use the roads. Road building gives the poor brainless irks who in day gone buy would have been canon fodder for the Russian front a job and a sense of purpose. The plane I use to fly on my holidays is the end result of thousands of man hours of human achievement. I am actively supporting the EEC buy buying goods abroad and having them sent to Britain. All that transporting and making and designing selling is key to keeping the world alive. Every time I or you do anything we keep people employed. Each one of us is like a small countries economy.

Or are we just being selfish for the next and successive generations and slowly destroying the planet we live on. As I said then in a flash it’s gone.
Matt x

Galloping Guinea Pigs....it's Gina!

As most of you are aware I have been away for a couple of days. Journey there was ok apart from the minor problem with my nearside rear tyre, it decided to start smoking. Thankfully I was only a couple of miles from my final destination and a really nice man came to my rescue. He could do nothing only state the obvious, but I was grateful that he interrupted his jog to offer some friendly advice! I can clearly do the "help I'm a woman, and I don't know what to do". Car was repaired(I will use that term loosely, as they could not find a problem), and has been fine ever since, fingers crossed.

It's Piddy's birthday this weekend and I'm looking forward to revisiting the African restaurant, problem is, I'm not sure if it's Friday or Saturday, so could someone please inform me of the day and time as I would really like to be there. I had wanted to give Neil a nice birthday surprise(don't get too excited, it's nothing outrageous or gorgeous), but I have had to tell him because my mind was clearly not on the job in hand, so he may or may not get a surprise, but if he does he will hopefully now know that it is from me. Why when I try to do a little forward planning do things go so wrong......I may give a full account of the present buying experience next week.

Lastly(and I hope you don't mind, Neil), a quick thank you to all my friends, you are really great, caring and wonderful people. See you all tomorrow, back to work and looking forward to it.........I know I'm a sad bitch!
Gx

Lipsmacking Loveliness...it's lisa!

You know the saying you wait for one bus and then three turn up in one go well that was my week I haven’t been out for ages and then I never seem to be in!

So before I tell you about my fab week I need to clear up a few things – as you all know I was named on G`s blog last week – having a girlie chat at M&M’s party I happened to mention that I had purchased a certain something. Well since then everyone but his wife seems to have heard about it! Anyway on Friday I was at head office when I bumped into G and Rosemary and I mentioned that I maybe I should conduct a survey on why a vibrator is better than a man. Well after much laughter and a few exchanges here is the conclusion…

Pros
· Always stands to attention when it sees you
· Always available at short notice
· Never moans
· You don’t have to dress up for it
· You don’t have to shave or wax!
· You never have to cook for it
· Hey you never have to take it out and plaster it with alcohol
· The remote is exactly were you left it
· You only have to get it out when you want it
· Always leaves you with a smile J


Cons
· Have to make sure you have a supply of batteries

Anyway I will leave you to think of more, as I am sure the men of the blog will want to retaliate. Lol

Anyway moving on much lighter note a few things that happened to me this week –

I had a lovely surprise on Wednesday, the post lady brought a wonderful letter. I was so excited I jumped up and down on the bed and will now need to replace it lol. – I am off to Arsenal again this Thursday, (4th) I have been invited as a VIP to see the first team go through there training session and then another tour of the place. I am so excited I could scream my brother was sick with envy lol. Apparently I was put in a draw along with goodness knows how many and a group of around 3000 of us have been selected so I will bore you with the details next week.

Neil and I went to the cinema on Sunday morning (and no I did not fall asleep this time!) we went to see `Charlie and the Chocolate Factory` we arrived at the cinema and it was full of little darlings – I could see out of the corner of my eye Neil recoil!

Neil and I went in and sat down it was fairly packed and full of the delightful tones of lots of children nattering and asking for popcorn and drinks. All we needed was one of them to start crying and I think Neil would have left the building lol – and then there was a sob I looked at Neil but thankfully it stopped before they went into full swing. The film was fabulous if you love Tim Burton films then this one will not disappoint it was very dark and there were some classic moments the squirrel scene - `don `t touch the squirrels nuts` was brilliant. There was a little person behind us who had us in stitches with the things they kept asking during the film oh and stating the obvious too look its Willie Wonka! - Well who else would it be! Anyway go see it – I did try to get Neil to consider Herbie – Fully Loaded but I think from the look he gave me it’s a no go lol.

Anyway the last piece of news is the best I think – I am off to Edinburgh next Friday and Saturday with Neil to the Edinburgh Festival – Neil has won another competition and its two nights in a 5* hotel (by the castle) with air fare included and tickets to one show on Friday (Pam Ann) and one show on Saturday (Kiki and Herb). What can I say? See you!!!!!!

Lisa xxx